ok work on your grammar. streamline your plot very hard to keep track of the general thought of the paragraph because it does not flow. if you must jump view points so much at least start a new sentence saying who is doing the talking and keep on track there ways to do a proper flashback. there is the need to develop your characters better they seem shallow and over worked stereo typed and try chuckled instead of giggled for a guy character and try actions work better then words character like he caught the fist and said why must you waste my time with this or something like that instead of how in the hell do both their ego's fit in the same room fix those and i'll ask others to read this story P.S. this is not meant to be a scalding review but constructive criticism

Now this story is really something!

The game is something else in my experience but I am enjoying the stuff I'm reading.

This story is very interesting. You use imagery very well (such as when you described the bed that Zak slept in and also the cookies) and also make good use of other literature devices. I can vision this story very well. Can't wait to see how this story folds out.

This was very intersting, I liked how detailed the story was. I also liked who you described the game a littlee and also the monsters. I would really like to know more about this Suki character and what his ties are to Crisalis. I can't wait until the next chapter. :D

~Darkness~