Lovely lovely job. Only a couple little things you might think about tweaking. In the first few paragraphs (up until Perry comes in or so) you could probably use he or his more often; the name Lock is a tad repetitious, and since he's the only one in the story at this point there's no need to name him ever time. Also, at the very end (second to last paragraph), Otis is suddenly renamed Sious. Not sure if this is a typo or not, but if it's intentional, it's rather confusing. You did a beautiful job with this.

Sad. Really sad. I don't know the original story really well, but you seemed to do a good job--the characters were well-developed, you had a good dialogue going, and you definitely had the story down pat. My only thing is the world--some of the descriptions confused me a bit. But other than that, awesome job!^^