|Reviews for A Girl so Different|
| maddeningly.mad 8/16/09 . chapter 1
WARNING!: Critique Ahead
What I really, really liked about this is that you got the message across clearly, without having to resort to ill-conceived stereotypes such as, I don't know, black makeup or dorky glasses and whatnot. I really liked the way everything really flowed (with the exception of a few things, which I'll get to). The fact that you wrote this as if it was while a character was watching another also makes this very easy to relate to; I can easily slip into this girl's shoes.
Now for the critiquing part (I'm big on critiques. I'm sorry if it sounds mean, but "A well rounded critique is often the most rewarding gift a reader an give" are the most ignored words on this entire site.)
"What stereotype is she put in?"
This statement seems a little weak as compared to the surrounding sentences; it seems a little too harsh, somehow. Maybe, "To which stereotype does she belong?" 'Put in' seems so juvenile as compared to the rest of the poem.
I like how you have it as if the person is asking herself questions, but the fact that there are so many question marks gets rather annoying after a while, not to mention making it sound a little choppy. You seem to enjoy cutting up your sentences and sticking a question mark at the end of each one, BUT you have to ask yourself-does this keep the flow, or disrupt it?
A question mark creates a natural pause and a natural lilt-up when talking aloud, which MUST be taken into consideration when writing poetry. Ask yourself ten, fifteen, twenty questions in a row; it gets annoying after a while, does it not? Sometimes, however, it works.
For instance, the way you split up "Who is that girl you think you see?/That girl who is so different than me?" is very nice. One could easily have used those as one sentence combined, but I like the way you didn't do that.
Where it doesn't work;
"Who is that girl, now in the corner?
Bent over a book on her knee?"
Read it out loud; that long pause and lilt just does not fit. How about...
"Who is that girl, now in the corner,
bent over a book on her knee?"
Shorter pause, no lilt, more flow.
"Is there a damsel in distress?
Waiting for her prince to see her need?"
Again, just replace the first question mark with a comma. To me, this flows more.
"What happens as she turns the page?
Ignoring our group that is all the rage?"
I think you get the point. Basically, when you split up the sentences too much so that they become fragment sentences ("ignoring our group that is all the rage" is not a proper sentence), change the first question mark to a comma, and then it flows MUCH better (to my eyes).
Even though I just wrote this entire thing and it's after 12 at night (or should I say in the morning?) you don't have to listen to a word I said. I'm just a girl writing a critique, and you are the author of this wonderful piece of literature, and therefore you have every right to ignore me. :)
I apologize for any ego-bruising I may have done (or just plain meanness), and also for any spelling mistakes I may have made. It's getting late, my eyes are definitely not exactly what I would call "good", and therefore I am prone to make mistakes. I am, after all, only human.
(Oh, boy, is this your first received critique? If so, I'm sorry. I remember how sore my ego was-and how sore my feelings were-after my first critique. Ouch.)
Anyways, have a good day and keep writing! I really did enjoy your poem, I just nitpick things apart far too much for my own good :)
| Abhyank 7/15/09 . chapter 1
The complete portrait of girl who seems to be unique in this crowd... And an idle match for sum1..
coz he cares and admires her expressions.
| readingtothemoon 7/3/09 . chapter 1
This poem is different, but not the way. It shows the stereotypes of the world without actually stereotyping I thought that was cool.