I'm sorry, I'm going to have to be relentless with this. This reminds me so much of a fanfic for Harry Potter I just don't know what to do with myself.

Your writing is good, and your narrative is different and quirky, and therefore entertaining, but so far your plot is weak (there was almost no substantial lead up to anything with intensity so far {Saul's fall out, and now this}).

Your "school" reminds me quite a bit of Hogwarts without even meaning to, and even though I get the feeling that magic is supposed to be commonplace, you're giving no indication of the community that it would be used on a day to day basis. You should try to make this fantasy/real world have it's own character, give it more life, so that it's more believable.

Which kinda gets me to the next point. I see you as a writer who tells, and not a writer who shows. With a story like this, where you have the potential to make it rich with interest and intrigue and magic, you have to paint the reader a picture of what it is like to live in this world for Pandora (neat name for her, by the way). I have no sympathy for Pandora, I find her grief for her dad, her love for her uncle and Saul, her relationship with the professor, all very artificial. You're telling it to the reader, so you expect us to believe, but I don't.

I suppose that I think that you have a lot of potential as a writer, and that this story has a lot of potential to be quite magnificent as well. But make it your own, and remember that this is a story, not a first-person newspaper article.

I think I know what's going to happen. :D
Great chapter, by the way!

J'adore! I love it ver ver much. Please write quickly and don't leave us hanging. You've opened up a tonne of questions, and left us with no answers. Incredibly rude of you. Kindly make up for it by writing several long chapters ASAP.

Awesome! I'm completely intrigued. This is really well written and I enjoy the voice of the main character, and Saul- I especially applaud the lack of the word 'hot' and such and general glossing over of physical descriptions overall though you show it well with the girls fawning over him and what not.

There's a nice sense of suspense here as that I know there's something more to Saul than what meets the eye- with the lack of meeting the mom, his dismay towards the uncle... BUT WHAT?? As well as the inheritance... dun dun DUN.

Can't wait to read more!

I love the style and how well-written these chapters are. The story is quirky and funny and unusual, but extremely dry and casual at the same time. Your quality of writing is very good. :)

I almost wish the chapters were longer so I wouldn't be in such suspense! But, it's worth the wait. Good chapter!

Oh, interesting.
Good chapter.

I really like the story, a fresh taste on fantasy... I want to learn more about it!

I also like Pandora's "voice." Her narration is funny and inviting

I can see action is coming soon... the suspense of a cliff hanger!

Firstly, "creeping barnacle," haa ha! Barnacles make me laugh, they remind me of Darwin. But in all seriousness now... Saul is amazing! I want one.

You've got an interesting story here and you blend the humor, magic, emotion and teen angst in well. I would be interested to see what you do with this. My one gripe is the end. It just cut off in the middle of nowhere, its kinda unsatisfying for something that had been such a good read until then.

I really liked this first chapter. I honestly snorted when Saul said, "She's all up in my grill." I kind of picture him as a white kid, kind of wishing he was black. :D
I can't wait for more!