Aww! Cellie's alive (sort of?)!!

It has been so long since I read this that I was sure I'd forgotten everything, but as soon as I started this chapter it all came flooding back. Such a great story...

One thing that I notice while reading is Orion's 'voice.' I'm writing a short story for my workshop class, and I'm having the same issues using a first person, male narrator... it doesn't sound like the voice of a young man. Naturally, this is because you are a young woman, haha. My professor says I write beautifully, lyrically, and I write such wonderful prose, but that I should save it for third person. When it's first person, he says you have to write like the person would talk.

Just a suggestion. I'd never thought anything of it before Dr. Bailey started slashing away with his pen about it on my papers, but he does have a point.

I still think your story is truly wonderful. :]

Update when you can!
--Point.

Wow, tons of truth thrown right into Orion's face lol! :D I honestly can enivsion a wtf expression in his face here. :D And I truly hope Jon will become a vital character in this story. His bust up with Kisha here really reminds me of the relationship between Arynn and Lara in The Eternal Grail. :D I'm having this weird feeling that you might be experimenting on a Jon-Kisha romance in the future from what I'm seeing here lol! XD

And Orion's mom was the Reaper? Man that's the real bomb. Wonder what part will she play in the future plot. As for the Scarlet Knights, well nothing much I can say here since you've made their agenda out in the open now. All that I hope to see in the future is that you can input a humane side in them. At the very least, input a humane side in their aims. After all, they're not actually the brood of Satan like what Bram Stoker did for Dracula.

And the whole vampire background here really reminds me of the Tsukihime series with the Purebloods resembling the True Ancestors and the Turned the Dead Apostles. And for some weird reason, the Scarlet Knights sort of reminds me of the Twenty Seven Ancestors of the Dead Apostles. :S And will you be introducing the Church factor into the fight? It will be interesting if so. After all, modern vampire struggles in manga/anime did have the Church factor in them. Think Tsukihime again. ;) Anyway, glad that I'm able to review after such a long delay. And yeah, The Eternal Grail is up with a new chapter. Hope to see your review for it soon. :)

P.S: I believe I've paid back in full here. Do send me a PM if I'm wrong here. I truly hate to be a leech. :(

[There were fingers carding through my hair] I don't understand the use of the word 'carding' here...

[with having to deal with, The Reaper,] I think the comma before 'The Reaper' is unnecessary. And I also notice that you end all dialogue with commas. They should be periods, unless the character continues to speak in that same paragraph.

[of, The Reaper] again, the comma is unnecessary.

[“Mom,” it read.] putting 'mom' in quotations makes it seem like someone said it. I would try to incorporate that into the previous paragraph... Like... "... I pulled out my phone to check caller ID, and saw that it was my mom." Okay, probably not that, because that's not very good, but, you get the idea. XD

[Chosen calculator turner-offer] bwahahahaha! I had to stop reading for a bit because I was laughing so hard. That's like... my favourite line. XD

[is a clearly defined, social structure] comma unnecessary...

Great new chapter! Really like how his mom is giving him the background, though it seems a bit rushed to me... Can't wait to see some action in here!
You've got me totally hooked.
Great job on writing this! =)

~Cae

Wowzie, very different chapter to the former ones here - can really tell how the story is changing.

Glad we /finally/ managed to work out what Orion's power is, and it does make a lot of sense considering everything that's going on. I love it how it's more defence than attack too - with a main force turning into a sort of shield.

However, I still this is nothing compared to the actual battle, so expecting a lot of action in the next one =P

Still loving it how Cellie is such a part of the story!
Gread job as always,
-scripted

?

Hehe, love the twist at the end. Of all the people in the world to be the strongest Chosen...it had to be his mum. Love it.

Also love the fact that Jon's still alive! =DD He's too good a character to go =P

Good job with the chapter again. As always, it's well written and the flow of it is beautiful. Story's really starting to heat up now too, right?

One tiny thing that did confuse me though, was this comment: "Even the best Telekinetic would not be able to wipe his memories now." Sorry to be the annoying girl who corrects you on your own supernatural side...but isn't telekinesis the ability to move things with the mind? 'Kinetic' being movement, and 'Tele' being distance...what does that have to do with memories?

Other than that, great chapter - can't wait to read more! Really picking up now, though I do love how Celeste is still such a part of him, and the story =]]

Fully repaid, so am taking a well needed break before I read the next chapter! [Seriously, I've just been reading non-stop right now =L]. But I still will come back!
-scripted

No!! You...you can't have just killed Jon...could you?? =( Jon was amazing... =(

Once again, really good chapter. It's odd, because even though this one was incredibly long, I found it much easier to read than some - shorter - stuff on FP. You're really good with speech, and you managed to keep me interested the whole way through.

Also really wish this story wasn't being written now...because right now is a bad time for vampires in stories. As usual, Twilight is to blame and should be damned. You however manage to not over-do the whole 'vampire' thing. So well done for that =P

Once again, great chapter! Still got to read some more to catch up though!
-scripted

Okay...that ending confused me. But hey, if it gets me to read on - what could be bad about it, right? ;]

Great job on this chapter, so many questions opened up - and the story is really taking a turn now. Man I hope they 'recruit' him soon - cos I want to find out what on earth's going on [or whatever will let him find out]. Loving the new characters [is everyone - apart from Orion - beautiful in this story by the way?] and it's really well written, as usuall.

Only critisism I can really say is watch the amount of times you say '**'. It's usually a really strong word, and therefore handy for writing, but if you over-use it - it will water it down too much.

Other than that, really good job! Off to read the next one now!
-scripted

I was sure I'd reviewed this chapter...Remember reading it all and such, but my review history says otherwise. My apologies for not actually dropping a thought when I finished reading this chapter =]

Can I just ask...is this story kinda inspired by a true event? Because the writing in it just seems so true and pure, that I cant understand how someone who hadn't been through something a bit like this [a close loss I mean] could create a story like this.
If it is, I really, really admire how you've managed to turn such pain into something this beautiful, deep and...entertaining isn't the /perfect/ word, but it's a good read.
If not...MAN you have a brilliant, very empathetic imagination.

Glad he finally managed to come out of his shell a bit, and that he's socialising and living on =] Though the end of the chapter is rather ominous. Have to just read more to find out I guess!

Once again, great job!
-scripted
*repaid*

sry the last review wasn't that helpful. i was very much in a hurry to read this chapter

and yay!! Cellie's back! *does a little dance*
Orion is so cute lol, but seriously he needs to grow up a little. come on, he's like twenty!

"You’re skin is so cold. "
"you’re blood is one of the strongest I’ve ever smelled in all my centuries of life,"

both should be your and not you're

but that's it. i can't wait to read about them further! i'm so glad cellie's back lol.

Dragonceres
The Roadhouse

WHAT?

and don't let Jon die!

darn. sounds like band camp lol
but i'm starting to admire Orion somewhat

and his power is pretty awesome. his mom is great too. no wonder she's called the Reaper

“No..*pant*..let’s keep going.” - once again, you should write the pant part out in a sentence.

Dragonceres
The Roadhouse

lol even i knew his mom was the Reaper. jeez, Orion can be so slow at times

"They’ve always had my back, it’s no different now that we’re protecting my son,” - that is a run on sentence

"Why couldn’t I have a hot nurse, who doesn’t abuse me!?" - the comma isn't actually necessary. can you imagine anyone pausing when saying that sentence? especially given the emotions behind it?

another thing that confuses me though. Shouldn't Purebloods actually be stronger than the Turned? then why do they need so many protectors. I'd imagine they could take care of the Turned easily if they wished. and shouldn't they also outnumber the turned? this whole purebloods thing remind me of Vampire Knight.

Later

Dragonceres
The Roadhouse

i just want to get one thing straight. Vannessa and Luke don't belong to the Scarlet Knights right?

anyway, the beginning of this chapter felt somewhat like a soap opera / drama. with Orion trying to find out what is going on and someone who refuses to tell him... not my favorite part

but yay for Jon! lol.

“Ahh! *gasp*wheeze*” - you should probably write this out in sentences.

and just another suggestions. i understand the importance of Cellie, but was it really necessary to give her death an entire first chapter? but i guess that depends on where you go from here

Dragonceres
The Roadhouse

"I mean, if you pay really close attention, it’s not hard to sense someone’s intentions. I’m pretty sure anyone could do it. Mine has always just been stronger than most." - 'it wasn't hard', 'i was pretty', 'mine have'

there're some others like that too. mostly just the "I'm".

so you've got me as confused/curious as orion lol

i'll try to finish the rest tmr

Dragonceres
The Roadhouse