haha

Hi, again.

The next morning, I just opened my eyes and automatically groaned. (This seemed awkward to me. Perhaps you can either add "had" before "just" or take out "just" altogether)

Twenty-three messages (added a dash)

Kates always had her way and it had been a long time since I’d let my hair DOWN.


LOL at the end of this chapter.

Hi!

His eyes raked ME up and down, but

It’s what nightmares are made of. MY feet started to tingle first.

I hadn’t EATEN all day so my cheeks were

You know how bad that IS…for you.” (take out 'it')


On to the next chapter...

Hope this helped!

Wow, you're really on a roll here! Thanks for the additional chapter update!

"I'd let my hair done."

Down?

ahh you have very good stories, both the plot and the characters. but if you ever intend to publish perhaps try varying your vocab a bit? read the first part of this chapter again, do a word count of the number of times you used the world "I". try reading out loud, it sounds kind of flat doesn't it? well that's just my opinion, your descriptions need a bit of working on. perhaps try fleshing out the background more in the future too?

Thanks for the new chapter; I appreciate the editing!

Hi, again. Hope I can help :)


“You know better, Girl. You have issues with vampires. We all do, but you’ve got a bit of history with yours so it’s STRONGER.

HE'D stalked me. And HE'D loved that I couldn’t block him out.


That's it for this chapter. Looking forward to the next.

hey i read what you wrote at your profile . those people who said those things are not worth your time but please dont leave us for those 'immature people ' out there, but if you are going to publish it please do inform i would love to buy it ...thx for writting all this amazing stories THANK YOU ^^

It's me! Here we go: :)

She turned and saw me. Her eyes widened—she was the deer in my headlights, AND I hoped to GOD that I wasn’t the oncoming car to push her over the edge.

I’d been the last to leave and because of that, I was the only one that HAD heard the phone, answered the phone, and figured out where the girl HAD called from.

My mind had leapt TO the natural clichéd conclusion.

This girl wasn’t the suicidal virgin with love gone reality. (I'm confused about the word 'reality.' Did you mean love gone AWRY? That would make more sense, I think)

SOMETHING had not gone according to plan, and I’m the kind of girl where I knew that plans should go according to plan!

“I’m not surprised,” I muttered AS I bent to grab a pencil out of my bag. (It's very easy to use 'and' a lot, which I find I do in my own writing. So, if you see too many 'and's, then it's easy to reword the sentence and take them out)

I sighed, FIGHTING the urge to bury my head in my book. No. Why fight that? I buried my head in my book, GROANING dramatically. (perfect example of taking out the 'and's!)

Adam shifted, a little uncomfortable now. HIS eyes skirted from me to Emily, and back again, “Are you…are you okay? Shelly said that you quit the hotline.” (added first comma, period, capitalized His to make a new sentence)

And then the HAPPILY-EVER-AFTER feeling was gone when I felt a vampire walk past us.

I could’ve pretended that I didn’t know he was hearing us. I could’ve turned around and made some comment that I was a stupid ignorant FRESHMAN, but now—all bets were off.


I see you use dashes a lot. You might want to look to see if you can fix the sentences and take a few out, like the word 'and'. It might make the story flow better. Just a suggestion. I hope this helped!

hey
i really liked the original (though i'm not sure i ever reviewed it.. xD sorry!), and i'm glad i get to read this again! :D

just a few things

"Her eyes widened—she was the deer in my headlights, [and] I hoped to god that I wasn’t the oncoming car to push her over the edge."
'and' seems to be more appropriate than 'but' in this situation.

"This girl wasn’t the suicidal virgin with [unrequited] love gone reality."
This sentence sounds a bit odd? I'm not sure this is what you meant, but when you left it with just "virgin with love" and it sounds a bit vague/confusing.

erm, I'll probably come back and do chapter 1 tomorrow. hope this is helpful :)

I took you at your word when you said you wanted grammar notes. Please tell me if this was too much!

I’d been the unfortunate one to answer the call, and now I stood, teetering on the edge with a "jumper" before me.
-> added comma and changed quotes

I’d been the last to leave, and because of that, I was the only one that heard the phone, answered the phone, and figured out where the girl called from.
-> added comma

A part of me waited for the normal "Stay away from me or I’ll jump!", but I was a little disappointed.
-> changed quotes

This girl wasn’t the suicidal virgin with love gone reality.
-> "love gone reality"? It reads a bit awkward.

It was real, and it blew my breath away, just for a moment — and that’s saying a lot.
-> added comma and spaces around dash

I needed to plant both feet on the ground, and I needed — I looked at her again.
-> added comma and spaces around dash

I could almost feel it. I did feel it.
-> changed punctuation

I closed my eyes, and I opened every sense I had.
-> added comma

I lowered my bridge, and I felt myself slip inside her.
-> added comma, omitted "of"

It actually hurt me, and I bit my tongue.
-> added comma

If we touched too deep, sometimes a part of us didn’t come back.
-> added comma

My eyes flew open, and I felt a wind propel me backwards.
-> added comma

Her eyes were — they wanted to tell me something, something that she didn’t even realize she wanted to say, but either she didn’t have the words or she didn’t have the will.
-> added spaces around dash and the word "either"

Then a single tear rolled down to join the rest, and she smiled.
-> added comma and omitted "and" (not because of grammar... just because it reads better for me)

Something had not gone according to plan, and I’m the kind of girl where I knew that plans should go according to plan!
-> made "something" one word and added comma
-> You say "plan" a lot here. Just a comment.

It was usually highly essential, but this — this wasn’t good. Not only for the fact that some part of me still felt connected to her — a con of the empath job — but…there was a universe/world/future issue at stake.
-> added spaces around dashes; omitted a dash; rephrased the phrase about it being a con of the empath job

i rememeber this story. it is very nice. i dont mind reading again