|Reviews for Soul Catcher|
| seredemia 7/30/10 . chapter 6
I'm guessing that the first section is when Sophia was younger, right? Well if it was, she was an adorable child... Now she's all shy... I actually expected Sophia's past to be... more... different. From that first section, it looked like she had a nice childhood. I wonder what her dreams are about then... *Impatient*
AARGH! All this mystery is painful! *screams* SOPHIA KNOWS THAT DUDE WHO KILLED THAT FAMILY! I mean, they described him to be tall, dark and handsome! And from Sophia's description, he's that person!
EEK. Sophia's dream...is scary. Unlike her dream in the second chapter (which was a bit calm).
My guess is that Sophia was hunted by vampires when she was younger..? Then she managed to get away and forget about everything..? I'm probably only saying that cos I have a neglected story with that plot (kinda gave up on it though)...
Hmm... She remembers her dream now!
| seredemia 7/30/10 . chapter 5
I like how this story seems modern but slayers and vampires exist. I wish real life was like that... It would be cool to work with vampire hunting and demon hunters... Epic job, or what?
*Pukes* Eurgh. That was a horrible image... That's horrible! I feel sorry for that family... being killed like that! *cries* Okay, maybe having a job like their's wouldn't be so epic after all...
Hmm... the plot thickens!
| seredemia 7/30/10 . chapter 4
Woah. Sophia is really obsessed with that Charlie dude. I know teenage girls watch fit dudes (I do anyway :P), but I have never heard of someone actually whispering their name as they walked past... I can see that Sophia is a shy person. I mean, if my mum treated me to designer clothing, I would have a party, but she doesn't seem to like it... :O
Sophia seems very average and normal. Which I didn't expect since the first chapter about her was her having some weird dream... I wonder what that dream means...
Sophia's friends annoy me...
| seredemia 7/30/10 . chapter 3
I'm going to try and be your 500th review! *evil laugh*
Why is the dialogue in different fonts at the start? I have to admit that I'm not very fond of dialogue that has no actions/description between them because I can't picture it in my mind...
"What do you mean, you felt him enter? God, why am I working with such a freak?"
- I was eating when I read this... So this line made me choke on my food... xD
Oh, I get why you used different fonts. it's to not confuse us to who is talking. Despite what I said earlier, I actually like how you started this chapter; you made it work :D
I'm loving Vicky, Freya and Alex! They're an awesome bunch!
I also love the little boy's section at the end. You really did well writing in a child's perspective. I'm really interested to see as to how these characters are going to fit into the plot.
| Sercus Kaynine 7/29/10 . chapter 3
'Yes Professor," Alex and Freya mumbled, blushing.'
Comma after 'yes'.
'Being teamed up with his current girlfriend and his last ex was a recipe for nothing but disaster.'
Well no duh. Still, I smell conflict. Conflict action good story.
'The twenty-four year old brunette was not a team player at all, and she had made that clear right from the start of her contract.'
Again, hyphenate twenty-four-year-old.
These three seem like interesting characters! Unlike with Sophia, where I just got a brief intro, I actually got to see these characters interact and learn their history. As a result, I'm more curious about them and want to see what they'll do next.
Vampires, huh? And it doesn't look like they're the good guys. I'm always curious to see a new look on them.
| Sercus Kaynine 7/29/10 . chapter 2
'Pulling her bed-sheets closer to her body, the eighteen year old girl snuggled into the warmth of her pillow, and emptied her mind of all thoughts.'
There should be hyphens in 'eighteen-year-old'.
Lots of pretty descriptions here. I'm dreading poor Sophia's future. It can't be good. :/
Not much to comment on, but I'm curious to know more about this new character and learn why she's having such strange dreams.
| Sercus Kaynine 7/29/10 . chapter 1
From the RH
'The shopkeeper peered over from his newspaper to see a little girl, no older than four or five struggling with the door.'
If you're going to put commas around 'no older than four or five', but them on both ends.
'"Hello Miss," the shopkeeper said, when her eyes finally rested upon his face.'
Comma after 'hello', and you don't need a comma after 'said'.
'Her attention was captured by a sparkling circle that was suspended from the ceiling, behind the shopkeeper's head, next to the candleholder skulls and vials of faerie dust.'
No commas are needed in this sentence.
Such a charming prologue! I love the way you opened with the shop. It instantly gave me the fantasy-esque, quirky feel of the story. Already, I can tell it will be something out of the ordinary. This shop and it's shopkeeper seem to have a history and character all their own and I'm curious to know more about them.
| Launo 7/29/10 . chapter 1
I love the poem in the rhyming, the pattern and the words. I really like this prologue. It's very descriptive but not over-done.
| Dreamers-Requiem 7/28/10 . chapter 1
A really strong opening chapter! It's different to most fantasy first chapters I've seen on here, and very original. I could really picture the shop as it was described; and I like how you slowly reveal the different aspects of it through having the girl asking after certain items. Originally, I thought the old man might actually be a 'good' character, because of his interaction with her, if a little bit twisted, but when he was looking at the soul catcher I got the creeps :P didn't really spot any errors or anything I can really offer some crit on.
-from The Roadhouse
| Frayling0 7/28/10 . chapter 23
Didn't realise you had returned, you disappeared for so long! It might take me a while to get used to the characters again, but the writing was fantastic, and I still enjoyed it. Nice one Sakina, glad you're back :D Luke
| seredemia 7/28/10 . chapter 2
Wow. You described the bit in the italics really well! I had a feeling it was a dream... The way you wrote it made the place sound heavenly and pretty. I had the image that everything was white for some reason... I wonder who the boy in the dream was... He seems a bit sinister and mysterious...
Ooh. I wonder what that boy is talking about... "Soon."
A rather short chapter, but I think this is a really captivating story so far. I really really like this :D. I'll be back to read more.
| seredemia 7/28/10 . chapter 1
This looks good so far! I love how you described the shop at the start! I thought that was really clear and I could imagine the shop in my mind easily. I also liked how there were romantic poison and stuff; I love fantasy :D. You also have a nice writing style. It's sophisticated and it flows really well. I can't find any flaws so far :D
Ooh, I have a feeling that that soul catacher isn't a good thing... I mean, catching souls..? It's not the most... safe thing to do. And that man scares me.
Anyway, I'm loving this so far!
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 7/27/10 . chapter 24
Okay, so basically I've finally hit the updated chapter. Sad to see I'm not the 500th lucky dude lol! :D Anyway, it's interesting that Sophia has developed somewhat of an obessive attitude to Adrian. It will be interesting to see where this is going and/or even whether it's within Adrian's plans. I truly wonder what's he's gonna do with the bullies though.
As for the part on the Darren break in, well basically I've got nothing to complain here. However, I think you could have played up his hatred for Azureal via the effect of the cause having onto his own existence. Of course you did mention some of it here, but why not creating real hints of the possible past events tied to the whole thing? Granted though that I need to browse back quite a bit to know whether you did work on that already, but if not, then it would be a good suggestion to start off for the future chapters. :)
And as for the whole love triangle issue, it's an interesting concept, but I would like to see a more in depth look at Alex's psyche instead of just a simple mention.
And lastly for the final part, I've also got one sole area to critique here. Quite obviously you did a good move in having Gray to mention a Fallen, but what are the agent's thoughts on facing off against such a being? Try to explore the possible feelings of helplessness, some doubt on whether it's truly a Fallen, any possible thoughts on the aims of Azureal and their reaction towards the whole thin, etc. Apart from that, nothing much to say. :)
P.S: I'll try to do review tracking later so that I know whether I've paid back everything here. On an interesting sidenote, I'm planning to start on a new chapter for A Ranger's Tale once I recover from my fanfic writing frenzy. ;)
- From The Roadhouse. :)
| Tsumujikaze no Soujutsu 7/27/10 . chapter 23
Ergh. I've lost count on any reviews that I might have owed right from the bat. -.- In case you don't know who I am, this is Mr Ragna Badguy with a new nick. But then again I guess you've forgotten me. Not weird given that I've been MIA on you for N ages. :S
Okay, so let's go on with the review. Basically, I really like how you hinted at what Darren feels about the world. However, I think you could actually expand the whole thing into what he truly expected from it. It need not to be an ideal. You can just portray it into something totally void of idealism and deeply rooted in reality. Also while I'm not too sure about whether you did create a hint on Azureal's ideals beforehand since I need to browse back to refresh my memory, you can actually try to create real hints on why Darren's own wish contradicts with Azureal's vision. Something as vague as I-like-it-just-as-it-is won't do. Another thing which you can work on is the area of his thirst. You've basically created the concept of effect as has been done here, but you can actually do so much more as in hinting what was the cause, how it had corrupted his former self and his own feelings of being fallen so much.
As for the second scene, well I think that you could have add in certain brief insights on Alex's own mind and not just a brief mention. Try to expand the feeling of not needed into something so much more. Like the likelihood of a helpless feeling, any form of resentment, etc.
On Gray himself, I really like his own thoughts of struggle especially since he don't even know what to fight for. However one thing is that you can actually try expanding this concept into a case of subjective relativity in defining good and evil in the future chapters. That would basically seal the deal on the Paladins' side of the struggle for the readers. :)
| Idareutoguess 7/27/10 . chapter 2
[Twirling a rose between his gloved fingers, he plucked out a handful of petals, and scattered them into the air with a magician's smile. A few fluttered earthbound, landing as crimson butterflies in her hair.]
That is so vivid and describes such a romantic scene with so much emotion portrayed in only two sentences. Your writing is amazing. I loved the entire dream sequence. You described it so perfectly and it seemed so slow and haunting. I wonder who the boy was and how he lured her toward him. It probably has something to do with the soulcatcher, right? Just a guess.
Another with no mistakes as far as I can see. Incuding so much suspense! I'm curious to read more when I have the chance (: