I was a little thrown off by the term 'starlet' in the middle of the dream sequence. It felt a little out of place in the middle of the rest of the part, which seems more formally written.

Other than that, I appreciated it. You managed to give a dreamy quality, just like it should have, but also with a disturbing edge, like Sophia's in some kind of danger.

In your first sentence, I don't think you need the 'there'. It sounds much better without it (to me) and makes me love the opening even better than I actually do.

[The shop was beautiful, belonging to an era long gone, it was now a shell lost in both time and space.]

After 'long gone' it should be a period or a conjuction (comma splice).

This prologue felt like an interesting setting of the story. I felt it was a little rushed, though, and that the description was not well balanced with the dialog. In the beginning you spend a long time describing the shop, but after, when the girl questions the shopkeeper about the objects, you give no indication about the settings. Where is the feather? Is it on a table? Behind a glass? And the arrow of William Tell? Is it besides the quill or on the other side of the shop? Does the girl have to move to see it? Does she need to stand on her tiptoes to see the books on the bookcase?

oh vampires a story ain't cool unless there are immortals and the more violent they are the better. that makes this even better can't wait to get to eh next chapter, not sure when that will happen. i'm wondering whose point of view this is mainly from though now, the sophia blue or the palladins, either way it should be interestign i hope we see a fight scene withe palladins and vamps soon, awesome shout out to rice, though i think stoker made london the vampire's sprin retreat first

nice prologue - I look forward to reading more very soon D

As you know, I put most vampire pieces down on the first glance, but so far this has totally renewed my faith in a genre I thought would have to be staked in the heart and cremated after defilers like Rice and then Meyer. I can't thank you enough.

You pour so much into this and that is half of what makes it excellent.

Your concept of vampires has enough of the old to keep it real and enough of the new to keep it original, and in terms of little stylistic things like word choice you've grown SO MUCH since the time of that first thread with Damien. And I must admit, I'm a sucker for metaphysical carnage, ja. A few of the early chapters had some patches I could suggest some improvement on if I stretched for it, which I will at some point, but you kept me hooked until reading it became something to get excited about- let it be known that even if you can pull some benefit out of it, strictly speaking you need no help here.

So yeah, the review a day later than I promised is a sign that I got caught up in reading it, which is a compliment onto itself. Will pull some con crit out of the depths of my brain after I publish another chapter. For now let me say that your style and approach to this is great, probably among the three best times I've seen you.

This is great! I love it! Poems and details and so much more. I love the fact that you're writting for the first chapter seems to the point. Though in the long run that could end up as a bad thing? not sure. I'll keep reading later on hehe

And here we have Sophia again. I think it's interesting that, so far, whenever she's been in the picture, there's been such lovely prose hanging around. XD

Ah, the mom's dialogue was a bit unbelievable and cheesy for me:

[“Come Sophia, we must go shopping for you now!” Mum exclaimed, five minutes after it had been confirmed that her daughter was most definitely going to one of the best universities in the world. “You’ll be amongst people whose parents earn hundreds of thousands of pounds, so you must have some beautiful clothes if you want to make lots of friends.”]

When I first read that, I thought the mother was being sarcastic or something. It just didn't feel quite as believable to me as the rest of the dialogue.

Your transitions aren't as smooth here as they have been in the past, and the jumps kind of confused me. After the part about shopping with the mom, then they were out of the bar and in school? Had me wondering if this was an extended flashback or what.

[the students took a different route, a supposedly quicker one.] The first thing I thought when I read that was: “Doesn't anybody watch scary movies anymore? You're not suppose to take shortcuts!” You had me worried somethin' big was gonna go done there. XD

Sophia's problem is really interesting...and now I'm interested in that guy at the bar. Does he become important later on or is he just some random guy? :/

Ah! New characters! And they're all so fun! I liked how you opened up with their bickering. It really drew me into the scene, though I'm not sure I cared for the bold and italicized parts. I know they were there to distinguish who was talking, but I'm just generally not a fan of reading bold text. It wasn't enough for me to want to gouge my eyes out, though, and I KNOW it was done for a specific reason, instead of you just thinking it looked “cool,” so I'm not complaining too much. XD

[House of Charlemagne] Ack! I just have to comment on the name, which is amazing. (And also, I thought it was funny since I use it in my story as well. And they've both got vampires... Creepay coinkydink. o.o)

[he couldn’t help but curse Anne Rice and Laurell Hamilton for making that city into such a fashionable vampire resort.] Wow. That was definitely an ell-oh-ell moment. x]

Ah, yes, I almost forgot to mention: Your writing style definitely is lacking in prose in this chapter. Not that I'm complaining—I like it! It helps keep the pace quick, but not at break-neck speed. The dialogue is enjoyable and believable, as well, yadda yadda.

Oh, and I love that cliffhanger. The kid dead? “It was too late” and all... o.o

The “lushy, gushy, florid prose” here actually isn't all that bad. XD

I think it particularly works for a dream sequence and the whole mysteriousness of the stranger in the dream. I didn't have a problem with it, except for two lines: [She was an angel, a dream. A starlet, his queen.] My problem was that it rhymed, almost like some poem, and those lines struck me as a bit cheesy.

Overall, though, I thought this was done very well, and now I'm wondering how “soon” soon really is... Hm...

Hm. An interesting start. You seem to be incorporating several different elements into your story, and I’m curious to see how that pans out. Though I haven’t seen much, it appears you have a fairly diverse group of characters, and it seems like you’re going to pick up the pace of the plot very soon.

One thing, you make a few grammatical errors in some places. They aren’t anything big, but you should probably proof read some of your chapters again. Or, get someone to check over your work when you’ve finished each chapter. Again, it doesn’t detract from the story, but it would make for a little bit smoother reading.

On the dialogue at the beginning of this chapter, rather than using different fonts to represent which characters are speaking, it would be more normal just to keep to one font. I understand that doing so would make the flow of conversation a bit harder to follow, but the characters already have quite individual voices anyway, and the confusion would probably better relay the urgency the characters themselves are feeling. However this a choice of style on your part, so you’re free to do whatever you wish.

Still this is an interesting read, and I’ll definitely finish the later chapters soon.

Canaletto

Shes having dreams of him, and he is sort of making them am I right? But Its another excting chapter and hope Sophia realises wats going on.

Sorry about the late review, kinda went to bed and christmas and all that. Anywa first of I really like whole poem going on and the title its really catchy. I love fantasy stuff like this, it looks like a whole rollacoaster of fun chapters to come along the way. So far so good. ;D

Great dream sequence, it was really cool with the mysterious magician-type guy and the rose petals and the girl _ Haha, but I love dream sequences or flashbacks, and this one was great!

I also liked, "Outside, an owl hooted, signalling that the reign of night was not yet over." Favorite line of the chapter! 3

Great job!

-Crymson Black

P.S. Please return! ]

This is interesting is this the girl from the prologue?

Only comments that are slightly negative, I like italicizing thoughts like "I must go back to sleep," and 18 year old is hyphenated 18-year-old.

Back to the good. That was a wicked description of the dream the kind of zoning out you do when you have that demonic siren call beckoning at your soul. You described it wonderfully and I liked the lines "She was an angel, a dream/A starlet, his queen." since the dream and queen nearly rhyme, it make she dream even more rhythmic and less real more surreal, maybe ethereal.