Oh my God. That was so sad =(. You really know how to write an amazing story; props to you. The only grammar mistake was that at the end of paragraphs you would put commas where you were supposed to put periods. For example, you wrote this:

"Ben ran his hand over his face and through his hair as Marie walked in,"

It was supposed to be like this:

"Ben ran his hand over his face and through his hair as Marie walked in."

Other than that, the story was perfect =) Keep it up!

-EM