You were off to a pretty good start in the first paragraph; the first three sentences really impressed me, as well as the last few. But in the middle, you went a little overboard in “infodumping” Adrian’s physical appearance. Addressing his attributes subtlely throughout the chapter would be better.

It’s not an incredible faux pas, but for my sake, I’d like to see more than just “decadent” being used. Likewise, “servant,” “pathetic,” the phrase “read like a book,” etc. Synonyms, sir.

Yeah… you need to work on injecting peoples’ features into your narrative, Jave. Similarly, you have a similar problem with ANY technological device you decide to go full stop on the story for to describe in detail.

Do you really have to do another detached, “calculating” character? I mean, at the very least, you could have the guy gain that persona as the story goes. Being a spoiled, apathetic dick is one thing, but I once again feel like you’re trying too hard to impress upon me what a superior, devious mastermind/evil genius this guy is. And while the idea he’s planned out SOME stuff is fine, all this is very much nothing new to me.

“The siege had lasted this long only because Adrian had ordered the remaining to retrieve supplies from hidden caches that had been waiting in the tunnels below the castle.”

What? You should word this more clearly; At first, this sentence made me think Adrian’s behind the very siege that’s attacking his family, but in fact, it’s saying he’s the one responsible for keeping the family living through it as long as they have (which falls into the above “mastermind” argument). As well, “ordered the remaining…” what? It feels like there’s a word missing.

Jave, I wished you’d stop trying to assert (so VERY fucking hard) the usefulness of weapons and being Crazy Prepared all the time. It’s long since become tiresome. Stop with the tracts, man, and just tell me a story.

Unitalicize the “he thought” part of the inner monologue.

The thoughts from Adrian and Francisco do seem verbatim from the original AtoB, so far as I can tell. In fact, I believe I said something like this last time in reference to a line you wrote; how exactly does what Adrian’s just done prove anything, one way or another, about the existence of an afterlife?

We get it. Francisco can read Adrian like an open book. No need to make him flat-out SAY THAT twice (and then have Adrian throw it back at him using the SAME PHRASE).

It occurs to me now, actually, that the back-and-forth between Adrian and Francisco somewhat falls into the “As you know, Bob…” category of out-of-place/infodumpy dialogue. It basically gave every aspect of Adrian’s goals away in the first chapter. I’m left to assume that this means there’ll be no pesky character development later on, then? And, of course, things will all work according to Adrian’s plan… *SIGH*

“I still find it strange you have this much hatred for your own siblings.”

And I find that sentence to be trying too hard to make a point you yourself aren’t entirely prone to making. Regardless of whether or not you support it, when you write some sort of opinion, you have a penchant for overemphasizing it.

“Steps,” not “steeps.”

This started out well and I got all excited and then… well, then there was the rest. In particular, I feel that everything after Adrian enters the catacombs was pretty much copied unchanged from the original story, save small things like calling the enemies “Languedocians” now.

Jave... why do you ask me if I'll read a story of yours privately and then offer my critique and then PROCEED TO PUT SAID STORY ONLINE? At times, I feel my advice is entirely ineffectual.

Basically, this looks exactly the same as the original version, like you recycled one of the old chapters, sans that awful rape scene. I know you may think that throwing the reader into some action is exciting or something, but YOU NEED TO SET SHIT UP.

Biggest problems;
-It's too short/brief.
-The language is awkwardly stiff/mechanical. I mean, seriously, "as a blade entered and exited his throat"?
-While, in expert hands, opening in media res might intrigue me, here I just can't bring myself to care about what's going on.

Can you either actually consider the advice that I give you when you ask me for it or stop asking me?