|Reviews for in a pool of gray|
| Narq 8/29/09 . chapter 1
this is very intersting and you did all the description well
I'm just wondering if it would have worked even better in poem style.
| Leighton Carrington 7/26/09 . chapter 1
I think this is a good poem, but you haven't formatted it, so I can't really look at it and guess where your rhythm is, or your thought processes. As it stands, its a well written paragraph with no real "form" other than it flows well from sentence to sentence. It might have been the type of document you uploaded it as, its a common mistake (that I make too)
just format it and you're good. :) I will add it to my favorites so I can look at it again when you have helped it out. I like your use of words. the depth of the poetry is very clear and I'm sure you have a lot of personal meaning in this work as well. I get the feelings its something you hold dearly.
| Vancelle 7/24/09 . chapter 1
It invokes very strong images, but the format is a bit difficult to read, which takes away from it a bit.
'because i'm cold and i'm wet and i really don't want to be more so.' - the 'more so' at the end of this line sounds a bit off. Maybe try a different word or just take it out.
'i wonder if the sun sends its dying words into her ear.' -Beautiful line. I don't know if 'words' would sound better as 'wish', though. I keep saying it aloud, and I just can't tell, so that probably means it's just fine as it is.
Anyways, it's a very beautiful piece. I love the images it creates in my mind; I can't get the girl on the bench out of my head.
| Isca 7/21/09 . chapter 1
"My lips chatter from the cold." There's something so striking about this line. It's a simple description, and yet, the reader finds themselves immediately drawn to this character.
"The girl watches the ephemeral dusk descend." Nice 'd' alliteration at the end. I like that the speaker watches this other girl watch the dusk-that's so cool! The fading light kind of 'connects' these two girls, in a way.
"She watches the grey die." Powerful imagery.
"I wonder if the sun sends its dying words into her ear." OH MY GOODNESS! This final line is beyond phenomenal. Does this other girl listen to the 'death' of the sun every night? Does she lend the sun what little comfort she can by just 'being' there for it? Holy Lord, I can't stop rambling, forgive me. I love, love, love this part. :D
| bunny.one.three 7/18/09 . chapter 1
Whoa! It's just... whoa... I liked all those descriptions, it kinda adds tension and more creativity. Very good... But as much as I like the poem, it's a bit hard to read, and some people (like me, but I don't mind so much) hate wrong capitalization and stuff... I'd fix up the format of the poem if I were you. XD Great job, it sounded really good.
| drops of rain 7/18/09 . chapter 1
the word choices are just beautiful.
'canopy' 'torrents' 'abate' 'ephemeral'
'charcoal storm clouds' 'languid drizzle'
the words were gorgeous and so vivid. :D
the tone was almost unearthly, ethereal.
the ending was a thoughtful line and i
thoroughly enjoyed the whole piece.
nice prose! :D loved it.