Hmm, on one hand you have a very nice raw poem here. I like the fact that it has a tentative tone, though I'm not sure you were going for that. It gives it a feeling of being more "real". One thing though, at this part:

"to make it all come crashing
all around me."

I didn't like the repetition of "all". It was unnecessary. Also, then ending could use some work. It seemed unfinished and a bit like you were trying really hard to just end the piece. Next time, just let flow what wants to let flow. But other than that, nicely done.

- Dee, from the Review Marathon.
[Check it out sometime. Link's in my profile]