okay i like it so far but, i have a question. what is your homepage? it dosen't say it anywhere. can you like put it in the authour's note or something? thanks!

-Alex

Hi :) I starting reading the story because the plot seemed interesting. Well, I must say that I am surprised at how good it is... I got hooked and then, bam! only 3 chapters AND it hasn't been updated since some time. Oh well, in case you decided to update (which I hope you do), then count on me to continue reading.

Well, here's hoping. See ya!

I'm glad you posted a link to this story on the Lounge forum. Otherwise I would have never found a great story like this. :) Love the story so far, will continue to read and hope it becomes completed.

Wow, amazing story, update soon please!

-Lain :]

I'm not sure whether you're trying to make Karly's denial humorous - it's the overall impression I get; whether or not it's intentional, I can't tell - but it would be best played as a way of magnifying the horror, a denial of what she knows, really, is going to happen to her.

Having read the whole thing now, I get a feeling the author is trying to write a gang of serious criminals but isn't really succeeding. I don't mean this to be an insult, but the characters aren't particularly convincing.

That said though, it's been an interesting story so far, and I'm wondering how Karly'll get out of it. Nice work.

*blinks* the two kidnappers are being surprisingly bitchy. I'm afraid they sound a bit too much like the two main characters in chapter 1. I'm hoping as I read on that there'll prove to be a reason for them talking like teenage girls, but at the moment it's starting to look like everybody in the story will speak the same way. So reading on, here's hoping...

There are a few more spelling/grammatical problems in this chapter.

The chapter has a curious mix of genuine dark sinister and naive adolescence; I feel it needs a slightly different writing style.

You say in your author's note that you wanted to add a bit of humour into this chapter, but I don't think the humour's working. The fact that something genuinely unpleasant happens to Karly, to me, means that humour is now out the window; it clutters and confuses the darkness you've added to the story. So to me, I'd leave the jokes out. The kidnappers are dark people and that's enough for this chapter, I think.

Hmm, very chic! Very sweet!

I can see why you needed to get this plot bunny out - it's got that cobby, snappy quality to it. And it's a nice story for a passing fancy - bright, optimistic, cheerful. Cnosidering the ages of the main protagonists, you've written with a great deal of insight and depth, so nice one on that. This reviewer appreciates it!

...and then it gets dark. Hmm!

You need to make a couple of grammatical alterations, but they're not glaring and they don't spoil the story. overall a very nicely-made piece of work.

wow, poor karly...thanks 4 updating!

Yay, you posted! :D I like this story so far, and I can't wait for the nexst chapter.. It's interesting to read, I liked the whole mission impossible thing..

This is really good! Can't wait till you write more! :)

dorkeyy

Yay, I was glad to see that you had updated and happy to see the story progress, aw, poor lass, I'd be in a right state if I was in her position, I'm guessing she's not going to be trying to do another mission impossible again, well, at least not until things start to look desperate. but wow, beeing in a house full of rapists and murderers and gwad knows what else cant be good, its gotta be getting to her. Good chapter here, there were a few tiny errors like '20 minutes later that I noticed his wasn't in the room anymore' and one or two others like that, other than that it was real good. Nice job here, looking forward to more :) x

Well first off, This is my first time reading this story and dont have a clue what you changed, but still this fic works for me, Yeah there are a few mistakes nothing overly serious hey, my story has far worse...;)

Good first chapter, just a few notes:

"And once she saw me, making my way to her..." Comma not needed.

"I cried and screamed and felt intense pain." That line seemed a little clumsy to me, but that's just me.

Other than that, very good, well done!

Star

Yuck. Her kidnappers are right bastards, aren't they? You've handled your characters very well here, and I like the quote and description at the beginning!

Oh, very interesting beginning. You really handled the suspense well at the end there. I can't wait to find out what happens next!