I really liked the tone and emphasis on the brother here. You can tell that the narrator really cares for him, and cares about what happens to him. It’s very clear and evident to the reader. I also liked how you didn’t make this piece emotional and imagery-heavy, it felt stronger, and indeed more prevalent to capture what you did. You don’t need to spend time on how they’ve dealt with each other before, or add any other scenes. You start with their strong devotion and you stick to it.

I really loved the ‘king of stone’ verse, although I didn’t like the ‘you are a ** god!’ verse that followed it. The narration and tone of the rest of your piece don’t really warrant the use of ‘**’ (and I usually like swearing in poetry, as long as it fits) so don’t think that I don’t like it because you swore just to swear. I just feel that it doesn’t match with the rest of the poem. I think just ‘You are a god!’ would have been just as powerful, if not more so because without the ‘**’ you add more emphasis to the God aspect. Keep up the good work.

Much love,
Juliet.

I like this poem because you bring out such a strong personality to the sea from a simple event like waves crashing against a cliff. I also liked how you turned the mood at the end with the "destruct me a new face". I noticed some alliteration. Like in the fourth through seventh lines. I thought it brought out the description there of the sea's anger. For some reason I noticed the word "destruct" and liked your use of it. Nightshade, micro-inch, and dynamite also stuck out and were appreciated. They added character and specifics to the poem. I liked how you seemed to characterize the sea as a deity, with its power and the Poseidon reference yet the narrator commands it at the end. The poem had an interesting flow. Abrupt and short at the beginning and ending lines, and very lively but smoother in the middle.

I like the title of this piece - it's very striking!

"No one loves you like I do." This line is so honest and beautiful.

"Your voice is not that of a dying leaf." Wow! What a brilliant line! :D

I love celestial imagery. Kudos for alluding to Ursa Minor/Major. :)

Nice alliteration: feral face & blue bear.

"Honey-suckle eyes." Stunning description.

"And everything is fine." I love this line - especially since it follows such vivid 'black hole' imagery (which obviously suggests that everything is not, in fact, 'fine').

I like the idea that empty bottles of alcohol are re-filled with the cries of ravens - neither the burning taste of whiskey or the caws of a being associated with Death will calm the 'beast' within. I also like the way in which this opening line subtly connects to the line, "There is no peace for him!" :)

I like this a lot actually. I was really getting in to it until the second to last line sprang up, talking about your bro being a god. It works, but completely KILLS everything you've been building up to that point. It goes "poetry...poetry...poetry...HIGHSCHOOL EGO BOOST...poetry"

see? Doesn't floe. EVERYTHING else in the poem was good though. I especially liked "young architect, your arms!" I felt that really conveyed the comfort you're giving your brother. Nicely done.

I like this, It seems to be a very dark poem for sweets! I really like it, it's a little hard to understand but I like the layout of the lines, it adds good effect and I like the way you use a lot of colors, it seems obvious but you sort of made colors seem a very intellectual way to describe things.

I love the words you use to describe the sea
one my favorites dynamite,very good

I love your poem it's lovely
i love this part you are a ** god
very nice

Wow, there are some really great lines in this poem.

'The sea is an angry architect,

And his body is dynamite-' - Brilliant imagery.


'Use your body of dynamite to destruct me a new face.' - interesting way to use 'destruct'.

I get a very impressive image in my mind. The only thing I would suggest would be to maybe play with the format a bit. The space between the lines is a little distracting.

Subject - Very interesting. Clearly about a drunk man (one that you saw in Maine? haha), but you really give a lot more to it. Towards the end, with your question of "Diamonds? Or ice?" makes me think that the speaker is debating whether he's a good man--one to pitty--or just a coldhearted drunk. I like how it's so straightforward, yet leaves certain aspects to interpretation.

Descriptions/Iamges: Also great! Your descriptions really helped me visualize the situation, both physically and emotionally. Some lines I really liked:

[with the urgent cries of ravens]
Maybe the literal cry of ravens, or maybe a sign of something ominous? Nice way to start it off.

[Exact to the milliliter, exact to the gallon-]
Milliliter sounds extremely exact, but gallon seems more loose. I like the condradiction.

[His curled lips and folded muzzle]
Nice image. It reminded me of a snarling animal.

Flow - Not the strongpoint of this piece. The way you break it up with punctuation and different subjects make small groups of words very seperate from others, which makes reading it through chunky.

Punctuation - I did like how you used it, particularly the hyphens at the end of lines. Though it definitely contributed to the chunkiness, it really added to the dark tone and mood.

I like this, it seems to flow quite w2ell and a lot of the description you use is good. I like the humor at the beginning with the half full bottle to keep him "Only half as drunk as he would like to be" I really like that line. But I think the lines like "There is no peace for him!" and "And surely the warmth in his stomach as well" They sort of ruined the flow, they made it seem much simpler because they are quite simple in themselves and the rest has quite ... well words like welded and forged. The very simple parts seem out of place.