You have quite an interesting concept for a story. I am eager to see how everything turns out. What you have so far is all right, a little brief. One thing that I find a bit of a nuscance though are characters with phonetic accents. I would rather just be told a character has a particular accent than see it written out phonetically like you do here with John.

you're alive. interesting concept. if you want me to beta just ask. though damn that girl's rich. but what exactly were you trying to get with john's accent you need to be consistant.