Hmm, I'm kind of torn on this story. See, there are aspects of it that I really love -- the sibling dynamic and the relationship with the co-workers, and then there are other bits that don't ring true to me.

The dialogue, in so many places, feel stilted. It's like, you could build up so much tension between Nikolaz and Sable through sparkling dialogue, but you don't. They ask each other such mundane questions and Sable basically spreads out her life story and says, "I like schoolwork etc" which isn't realistic.

And I liked the whole "beautiful" thing, but because there wasn't enough tension between your two characters I thought it fell a little flat and read as if things were going too fast. Also showed your characterisation of Nikolaz to be contradictory (on the one hand, you have him awkward and bad at starting a conversation with a stranger and on the otherhand, able to offer said stranger lifts and call her beautiful).

I also have a pet peeve for block description -- I don't want to get a static impression of the way a character looks in a block, which is what you gave me with Nikolaz. His voice is like chocolate and his eyes are gorgeous and he has a tatoo. It reads like a list and, to be honest, it's kind of boring. You don't need such a lengthy description to tell us what sort of a person he is just the tatoo, black clothing and odd facial hair would have done the trick (I must say, I did like your details there, they were wonderful).

That said, I thought your characterisation of the two friends was really good and the chatting after work felt very real and was great. And as an added bonus, your writing flowed really well and your grammar was awesomely good.

All in all this is pretty good and I'm looking forward to reading more. You're definitely on my alerts list,
-Ink-