Aww, don't call it "somewhat like prologue"! That doesn't do it enough credit. Anyway, nice work. This was a very attention-grabbing opening, with good descriptions and an interesting premise. Looking forward to more.

Overall this is an interesting story with some characters that make you want to try to figure them out.

Just a fe thoughts that might strengthen your work:

Writing style: The story is interesting, but there seem to be may places where they wording is awkward or the conjunctions in the sentences don't seem to work well.

Example: However, because of the way Tobias was structured in thinking, he could only cover up all unnecessary and distracting thoughts with concrete, rational decisions. --This is rather awkward. Is there a way you an show this about Tobias rather than tell it about him?

Example: As Bridget opened her eyes in surprise, his inside swelled from the number of things he wished to say right there, but instead, he heard her shriek, and the next second he was pushed unceremoniously off his seat onto the hard ground.--the 'but' in the middle of the sentence doesn't really make sense to connect the halves of the sentence. 'But' implies what is about to come contradicts what was just said. That is not the case in this sentence.

There are also a number of places where it feels like you are trying to use big words in the place of small ones and it just feels misplaced. I think using more natural wording would improve the read and flow.

Example: Silence resumed as the conversation extinguished once again.--This just reads awkward and stumbling, maybe something like: the conversation faded once again, leaving only a stifling silence in its wake.

Dialogue: I wold love to see you enhance your character's dialogue. They seem to say little, then you, the narrator, comes in and say something about the characters thoughts or feelings. Can you instead try to reveal those things in the speech between the characters? Or maybe, reveal the internal dialogue of the characters in their own minds.

Techniques: Some of the word pictures you use to create descriptions and the over all atmosphere of the story seem a little forced and awkward. I love that you are using this approach to set the feeling of the story and I think you should continue to do this. However, I think it would strengthen your piece if you worked to make them a little awkward, perhaps by tightening them up--conveying the idea by using fewer words.

Ending: The ending is quite unexpected and interesting. I am intrigued and want to see what will happen next. Be careful about using this plot device too often though. ending a chapter with your character blacking out can get a bit cliche if done too often.

The descriptions were very detailed and gave me a good idea of what was going on, even though I haven't read the rest of the story. Very nice.
I liked Tobias and Bridget's relationship. It was very well portrayed and fit very well for what they seemed to be-- people thrown together in a dangerous situation. The dialog was natural and had a great flow.
I can't say I really liked Andrew though. He kind of gave me the creeps, but that might just have been me.
Very well written. Keep up the nice work.
~Eshana

Ha, I love the Crispy Creme Donut reference.

Grease? Could you explain that to me sometime?

Again, i have the same advise: editing out words that are not so necessary can clean up writing. Changing sentences and wording helps stories flow more smoothly.

The reason I'm only doing the bare stuff here is because the time and I have a headache. Your stories enjoyable still though.

Although a bit unorthodox, I LOVE the description of the bullet to the head.

That reminds me, simple telling instead of showing can be better at times, instead of going into great detail that may even be needless. PLus, telling speeds up pace to help and such.

I apologize again, my brain has had little sleep and not enough food :p.

Ooh! Ooh! I love the guys name, I've had a soft spot for it since Animorphs!

Over all I think this is a good chapter, i apologize If I miss anything but... I'm dead on my behind.

Interesting and compelling.

When I saw she was fire I thought PHOENIX!

The writing here is good and detailed, but some words can be edited out to make your writing more precise an a bit less cluttered.

But over all I love this so far.

Ouch! Again

This line made me laugh:

"At least he was still on Earth, and not somewhere between heaven and hell."

I won't mention the spelling errors, seeing as you've realised them from what you wrote in your PM, but just letting you know that it would definitely be a good idea to go through this chappie with a fine toothcomb.

I liked the characterisation of Basel incredibly: he seems really sinister and I really liked the choice of words you used to describe him, to make him seem inhuman as possible, yet ever so powerful.

I guess this is the chapter where Tobias and 1011 are irrevocably joined ~ the classic military chase! The only problem I had was why they were suddenly left alone. I got the impression that Basel would be the type of person to make certain that they would be dead by getting bodily evidence, unless they'd actually escaped on the bike, which seems pretty incredulous considering how many vehicles the military must have at their disposal.

Anyway, a wonderfully creepy ending, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading this!

~ Sakina x

Ah, the ending is pretty intense and exciting, and just makes me want to go onto the next chapter! I found a lot of the interactions between Tobias and Julie mixed: some scenes, such as the eatng scene seemed to work, but I don't think the ones where they argue work quite as well, because she seems far too 'normal' ~ I'd expect an escaped test subject to have slightly different mannerisms, to be more awkward and maybe even unable to interact with humans in an adequate manner.

~ Sakina x

Wow, long chapter, but I liked the way you conveyed all of Tobias' thoughts and emotions (lol at Chestnut Ate my Acorn), especially his unease about the girl because it all seems so realistic - but as someone else has said, it does feel very manga and reminded me a bit of Chobits. However, when the girl woke up and started speaking, I wasn't really sure what to think, as I'd gotten a sense of malice about her, from the previous chapters, and so to me, this girl felt like someone completely different.

~ Sakina x

Wow, your knowledge of biology is pretty intense - so far, it really looks like you have done your research for this story and it shows in so much wonderful details. However, people who don't specialise in biology may find some of your terms confusing, so I'd explain some of them such as 'metastases'. I also like the way you began Tobias' day with paragraphs that indicated the time - it gave the piece a sense of urgency.

"Tobias found himself sprinting toward the redhead" - I thought she had white hair?

~ Sakina x

Wow, this is great ~ I really liked the tiny details you included, such as the make of the guns, because it really helped me to get into this world. The opening sentence had me gripped instantly, simply because I could hear the voice in my mind, and all of the action scenes were written so well that I could imagine and picture everything that was happening.

One error:

No one told them what was in store within that dark chamber with its titanium-alloy gates pryed [pried] open.

~ Sakina x

Well...Not sure about the romance part yet, but I wouldn't say no to a bet.

Hmm, Tobias...Don't really know him as a character yet, but he seems likable enough so far. Love his name, reminds me of Animorphs.

Impressive knowledge (or b-sing) of politics/science. Whatever the case, I have no idea what you're talking about in such particular topics, so well done, hahaha.

Hmm o_o Wow that's scary. I'm just wondering who the protagonist of this story will be 8D Is it a cool young dude who runs into this girl?!

Well, I guess I should read ahead...

Just saying, I love stories about people with supernatural powers. :)

well oh my goodness this was interesting.
First off the beginning of the story was amazing. Each chapters opening is a hook, it kept me reading excitedly. I also enjoy your scenes with the army swat guys. They're well organized and remind me of a game of chess, except for with real people who are pretty much set on fire when they get killed. The characters are interesting! you reveal enough about them so that their likable, but leave enough out so I think, 'hm i wonder what makes them do that' and 'well that's strange/ interesting'. I love your writing technique, it slows up and speeds down rhythmically. Its also flowing without being to flowery.
I will defiantly be back for more

mountain bike rofl bonus points for that