|Reviews for Kaze: Tale of Winds|
| heartworkmechanics 2/1/13 . chapter 2
Awesome second chapter. Rai is super bad ass. I can't wait to read on.
| heartworkmechanics 1/26/13 . chapter 1
I've just finished reading your work. I found it posted on The Manga Support Club Forum. Here is what I think of the first chapter:
Firstly the praise: I love the folklore you provide in the beginning of the story. Also your fight scenes are amazing! I enjoyed watching Ryuu work on the demon all the while Kanlan knowing what exactly to do. I felt really captured by their personalities.
Now for the critique: The main issues that I found were: sentence fragments, lack or over usage of comas, unnecessary capitalization of letters, and over usage of certain words.
I wanted to tell you that as you capitalized many of the first letters of the words written in the introduction it made me feel those things are highly important, when they may not be.
For example: From East to West, Humans Cover the Country, Most Making Their Living by Creating New Technological Miracles to Fill the World. Others, with the Power, Prefer to Live By Magic and Sorcery.
The same effect you are going for can be gained by writing these words normally.
Revised: From east to west, humans cover the country, most making their living by creating new technological miracles to fill the world. Others, with the Power, prefer to live by magic and sorcery.
The first few lines are fine. They feel welcoming as if I were visiting Fioelore in person.
I do think you should combine “These Powers Are Unique to Each Elf. Depending on Their Spirit and Soul” into one complete sentence.
I feel as though you are using to many…said(s), replied(s), responded(s)…etc. They aren’t necessarily needed. It is obvious that they are commenting because of another character. Instead you could use this time to describe how(s) and why(s) or you can write nothing at all. Some statements stand well alone. I find myself struggling to avoid doing the same! I am glad I’m in good company.
I took the liberty of revising a segment of your story to show what I mean. In the revision I deleted and rearranged words as well as adding and removing descriptions.
The sun was shining brightly overhead, with only a few clouds floating in the early morning sky. A few birds soared through the air and after a few minutes, finally came to rest on top of one of the towers of the castle.
"Miss Kanlan, it's time for you to wake up," a woman said, sounding impatient. Not getting a response, she shook the unmoving form of a young girl. A groan was her only response. The woman sighed and left the bedside. She strode over to the rooms window and threw aside the curtains. The piercing light invaded the space, illuminating the decorative room. With the light, colorful tapestries hung that from the stone walls, and expensive furniture that littered the room, could be seen. A large bed rested in the side of the room, another groan came from the lump under the covers.
"Miss Kanlan," The woman by the window urged, "You must get up. It's already past eight, you cannot be late for your lesson,"
"Urg…Fine…"The girl in the bed responded. She pulled the covers off her head and sat up, the sheets falling onto her lap and her shoulder length black hair falling over her pointed ears. She yawned tiredly and stretched her slender arms. The woman near the window bowed slightly as the girl looked over.
"Good morning, Miss Kanlan," She greeted.
"Morning Natsumi," The girl, Kanlan, replied, "And I thought I told you to just call me 'Miss'," Natsumi bowed her head.
"I'm sorry," She said, "I just don't want to appear rude,"
"Oh come on, you're not-"Kanlan was cut off when someone started pounding on the other side of the door.
"Oi, Kanlan! Get up already! Master's not going to be happy if you're late again!" A voice shouted from outside. Kanlan sighed.
"I'm already up Ryuu!" She shouted, "Stop being so loud!" The pounding on the door stopped.
"Really? Natsumi usually has to drag you out of bed," Ryuu stated.
"Oh shut up…" Kanlan muttered.
"What?" Ryuu asked.
"Nothing!" Kanlan quickly responded.
"Well, Okay…" Ryuu said, "Just make sure you come down soon. Master Kichiro wants us outside in about an hour,"
"Alright, got it," Kanlan replied.
"Okay, I'll see you soon sister," Ryuu said. Kanlan listened to his fading footsteps as he walked away. After a minute she yawned again. Natsumi looked at her.
"Do you want me to bring you something to eat Miss Kanlan?" She asked. Kanlan shook her head.
"No thanks," She answered, "I'll just get something myself," Natsumi nodded and bowed.
"Then I'll excuse myself miss," She said. She gracefully walked across the room and left, bowing once more as she paused at the doorway. Kanlan sat in bed a moment longer before deciding to get ready.
Only a few clouds floated in the early morning sky. The sun shined brightly overhead. A flock of birds soared through the air then came to rest atop one of the castle’s many towers.
“Miss. Kanlan, it’s time for you to wake up.” Ordered an impatient woman
Without a verbal reply she shook the unmoving form of a young girl. Her only response was a groan. The woman sighed. She strode to the room’s window and threw aside the curtains. Piercing light invaded the space illuminating every corner of the grandly adorned room. Tucked in the far side of the room was Miss. Kalan’s bed. Another groan escaped the lump under the covers.
“Miss Kanlan,” The woman urged, “You must get up. It’s already past eight. You cannot be late for your lesson!”
She pulled the covers off her head then sat up. Kanlan yawned while stretching her slender arms past her pointed ears and lengthy black hair.
The handmaiden gave a slight bow as the girl directed attention towards her.
“Good morning, Miss Kanlan.”
“Morning Natsumi! And I thought I told you to just call me ‘Miss’”
“I do apologize, I just don’t want to appear rude.”
“Oh come on, you’re not—“
Kanlan’s reassurances were cut short by pounding on the other side of the door.
“Oi, Kanlan! Get up already! Master’s not going to be happy if you’re late again!” A voice shouted from outside. His pounding upon the door went on with more persistence.
Kanlan sighed before shouting, “I’m already up Ryuu! Stop being so loud!”
Ryuu rubbed his chin, “Really, Natsumi usually has to drag you out of bed.”
“Oh, shut up.” Kanlan muttered.
“What was that sister?” He pressed an ear against the door.
He stepped back from the door wearing a cocky smile, “Master Kichiro wants us outside in about an hour. So make sure you come down soon!”
Forgive me if you feel I took to much liberty. It's only because I've gained a slight bit of a crush on Ryuu.
I hope this helped! You can look forward to me reading more! Also if you have the free time I would appreciate a cc review of my story Someday is Gone. Thank you!
| moon goddess 12/28/12 . chapter 24
Love it! If u haven't finished then I hope u come out with the next chapter because that is awsome
| bookworm 10/10/10 . chapter 24
So, uh, when are you going to update?
Im not trying to be rude.
| bookworm 10/9/10 . chapter 24
I had a lot of things to say, but I forgot most of it. About Rai, I seriously didn't expect him to be the main character. Usually its the student thats the main character, not the other way around. I really think that this is gonna turn out to be some love comedy between Rai and Kanlan. I f so, than this storys gonna turn out to be very complex.
Also, uh, about the black colored water, I hope you give Kanlan some like, weird fate to complicate things more, kind of like freak twist to the plot. Maybe you could make her on par with Rai as well, on a power level basis.
This is turning to be very anime/manga like. With the title page description and the graphic scenes, you could really make a manga out of this.
The omake? Classic. As with with the vein throbbing annd the sweat dropping. I could literally see the anime version in my head. Awesome.
And the Jucio thing. Kind of reminds me of the Cero in Bleach.
| bookworm 10/9/10 . chapter 15
Very good. Should be published. I don't have time right now, but I'll come back!
| bookworm 10/7/10 . chapter 3
Heh, I ve just realized that ive been commenting every chapter. well, I still think that this is a really good story. You won't see me until...
The 15th chapter!
| bookworm 10/7/10 . chapter 2
I want to know who this guy is... Better keep reading!
| bookworm 10/7/10 . chapter 1
Thus is pretty good. I like it. Even though Wind is not my favorte element, (mines ice), I still like this story. I'm definitely gonna review more.
| ForeverNotHere 2/14/10 . chapter 24
Ah, nice Omake! o Life isn't 24/7 unhappiness! Right? o
Sato was hilarious! o Even though he only got 3-ish lines. o Hey, will there be anymore of these? Maybe, coming off of this one? o I'm excited to see that! This didn't have enough events for it to be a full bonus story. :P Plus, I really enjoyed this!
W-why, Kanlan . . .? H-how can you fail science . . .? You just apply common sense and observations . . . . Sorry, sudden outburst. Did you know that our bodies have traces of tin, nickel, gallium (It melts at body temp. O.o), titanium, silver, and gold. o There are tons more components too.
Ah, Rai . . . Okay, Snakey, time to tune down the Stu-ing with that guy. I can literally see that you are far too fond of the character. Not a good sign. Definitely not a good sign. Yes, he is annoying, but, that's not good enough. Yes, it prevents Rai from becoming a Unredeamable-Sue, but, it's not enough. Trust me. If you don't agree with me that Rai isn't a Stu, then search Mary Sue Original Litmus Test, and tell me that true, first score. Unfortunately, I'm also giving Rai the test while you do it, to make sure you tell me the truth - because there are many people who take advantage of me trusting them. I'm sorry. I just want a great story to become an even better story. Sues stop an author's creative juices considerably, and I really, really want to see the potential of your creativity . . . Again, I'm sorry.
| ForeverNotHere 2/14/10 . chapter 23
Hiyas! _ Sorry that I didn't review in such a long time. I was busy. .
Ah, I like this chapter. A bit more descriptions too. o Maybe, a little bit more . . . ?
Oh, poor Ayame . . .
Hey, what's with the "Bastu"-ing? What does that mean?
Onto the next chapter! o
| Seth-Cypher 2/5/10 . chapter 4
He was created? I'm kinda curious what he means by that.
Nice chapter, though I was somewhat confused by the italicized sentences sometimes as I was trying to piece together what was happening.
| ForeverNotHere 1/17/10 . chapter 21
Over 20 chapters! o Mi! It's wonderful! I'm so excited! *bounces*
Aya . . . me? Isn't that a guy's name? Aya is girl's name, but Ayame? Neh. *shrugs* Not gonna worry about it. Hmm . . . On with the point of views! *cheers*
Poor Sato . . . . I'm startin' to really like that Green Elf. "NO! I'm one roll away from making my rent!" *sigh* Favorite character! Yay! *fangirly love* Seems like I usually like filler/supporting characters than the main ones. O.o
Finally another Black Elf appears, huh? I was wondering when one of them shows up. . Is Sato gonna appear? *eyes sparkle*
Ah . . . . another sub-plot-ish. I wonder what would happen if . . . Neh. :P
Well, it's great! On with the sub-plot!
| Tomoyuki Tanaka 1/15/10 . chapter 22
Eh? I always leave a comment whenever I read your story. I can't say the same for mine, though. No, that second sentence wasn't directed at you. But then I wasn't directing it at anybody anyway, so...heh heh...anyway, the point is, I always review you, so don't worry. You'll always see my review popping up somewhere. Ha ha! And you have more favorites than your 36 reviews? I think that's already awesome enough. I'll be lucky to have 5! TT_TT
Back to your story, it's so cool! Brilliant! What I like...I don't know. The plot seems cool, the characters are fun to read, but I don't like Ayame. Can't offer any constructive criticism because I don't have any, sorry. It looks good to me.
It was funny, this chapter, I mean. And I'm wondering what Rai is gonna do to Ayame, though your "title page" seems to provide some kind of hint. And Kanlan is...I don't know. I mean, this is HER mission, and Rai is the one who does all the work. And I thought he was only joking when he said that, but he actually did have to do all the work. Poor guy.
I look forward to the next chapter!
| Tomoyuki Tanaka 1/3/10 . chapter 21
I think it's GREAT!
Good going, man! And the story is getting more and more and more and more and more interesting. I can't wait to read this new arc, I like the new character Ayame, and it seems like there's an organization behind her. Cool!
I hope Rai beats the hell out of them. I look forward to the next chapter. Till then!