|Reviews for BITE|
| Canaletto 12/17/10 . chapter 1
After the line, “The night that ended it…” I don’t think there was any need to have the rest of the chapter in italics. There’s a feeling of separation between those two sections, and I feel you could show this best by only having the first three line italicized. Other than that, a decent enough start. I would have liked a bit more detail about what was going on, but I’m sure that will be revealed in later chapters.
| this wild abyss 12/15/10 . chapter 3
I'm not really feeling this. I mean, after something so monumental, I would think that this character would feel a lot of *something* about her current situation. You haven't really gotten into her emotions about this, and I think that you probably should. I mean, readers experience the story along with the main character, and if the main character doesn't seem to have any emotions, then it only makes sense that readers wouldn't feel for the story, either.
There were also a few missing/misplaced commas throughout this, and I'd suggest going back throguh it really quick just to double check.
But for the most part, the writing in this is decent. Nothing earth-shattering, but not horrible, either.
| this wild abyss 12/15/10 . chapter 2
So I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but vampire stories really bother me. No offense to you or anyone else who writes the genre, because I'm sure there are some well-written stories out there, though I haven't actually found one that I liked. And to be honest, your story has some themes in it that I'm not a fan of on their own. The whole domaninance/submuission thing is a turn off, as well as 'school'. I detest those kind of stories.
But even if I absolutely hate your plot, I can honestly say that you've written it out decently. Your conventions are all good, and the plot is progressing in a logical and somewhat entertaining manner. At times, I feel that you merge onto the 'telling' side of things rather than the 'showing', but over time, I think you'll learn to correct that.
The only major critique I have is the lack of a name/gender with the narrator. In first person, it is a bit hard, but always be sure to identify your main character. You mentioned her gender a few times in the dialogue, and her name was referenced once, but I didn't think that that was nearly enough. To help your readers remember who she is, you might want to mention her name more than once in a chapter.
| Kobra Kid 12/15/10 . chapter 6
I love Mai. She's a really cool character, and I enjoy reading her thoughts and perspectives on things. As for Xahlia, she's fine. I don't love her, but I don't hate her. So, I'll like her. As for Drake, I think he's awesome. It's a first impression, but they matter, right? (: Anyways, loved it! All of the characters are realistic, and I really don't trust Amy that much. She's too shady...but I might just being a bit paranoid, haha. The writing is fine, as is the dialogue, thoughts, and descriptions. Keep it up!
-Kobra Kid, Roadhouse
Can you please payback via Rise From The Ashes? Thanks a bunch! :D
| seredemia 6/16/10 . chapter 2
Xailia is a pretty name 3 But how do you pronounce it..? P
I don't like that Xailia girl... She doesn't sound very nice. Im pretty certain that it was her who bit her... e_e
BUT I LOVE how Xailia can get inside her head! That must be very annoying, hehe... I wouldnt want someone like Xailia to be in my head...
| seredemia 6/15/10 . chapter 1
Ooh. This sentence really drew me in:
'…There I lay, slipping in and out of consciousness in a pool of my own blood.'
It was just so sudden and unexpected! I love stories with blood and gore in it! I dont mind vampires, but I actually prefer other creatures, but I'll see where this goes.
ARGH. *screams* 'I glanced at him to see that his head had been twisted completely.' THATS GOTTA HURT. I love how you bluntly tell us all this goreyness. Makes it more gruesome that way D
Anyway, I think this is a good start so far! I definitely enjoyed enjoyed it :)
From the Roadhouse
Pretty please repay via The Unwanted?
| AvidWriter-92 6/15/10 . chapter 1
I thought that this was a really great start... :D
I've read a few stories where the character is about to die in the first chapter, but I'd like to say that this one is different, in a good way. :) It really captured my attention, and I think it's because of the way that you narrated it. :)
I like how the vampire lady is feeling sorry for the narrator. The way that she says 'child' makes me wonder how old he/she is... Most of the stories that I've read about vampires are either crazy bloodlusting ones, or are almost completely human in their actions.
So, I was happy to read that the vampire you made is between the two. I like the way that you described her; she seems almost motherly to me. :P
There were a few grammar things that I saw:
"...the two men that beat me and violated me."
I would take out the [me] after beat. I think that it sounds better that way; less formal.
"Suddenly[,] one of the men fell next to me."
Just add a comma. :)
"...saved me was dangerous...and [it was] walking my way."
Again, I think that if you added "it was" it would flow better and not sound so choppy. :)
"The shadow [came] closer to me until the [moonlight] shined [upon] it."
I think that the sentence sounds better this way. :)
"Even though she was walking[,] she seemed to move [very/really] fast."
I don't think that so really fits here... You can pick either one... I think that they work better. :)
"[She] almost immediately pull[ed] me to her and tilt[ed] my head[,] so that my neck was visible."
If you started the sentence with 'almost,' it wouldn't be a complete sentence. I think that the past tense with the verbs works better, also. :)
"Before I [could] react[,] she pulled me to her, and bit into my neck."
"And what followed it [was] nothing but darkness and pain..."
You're just forgetting a couple verbs in these two sentences. :P I would also consider switching darkness and pain around, but that's up to you. :)
All in all, this was a great prologue! I really enjoyed the descriptions and the p.o.v. of the narrator. :D I loved it, and will continue to read more... :D
Avid. Roadhouse... :)
| this wild abyss 6/15/10 . chapter 1
Great start! I liked how the narrator was in a bad situation and the vampire "saved" her by putting her into what was probably an even worse situation. You descriptions were great, and the writing was vague enough to leave some things to the imagination, yet give a good picture of the scene at the same time. Nicely done!
Adonnen (The Roadhouse)
P.S. I'd love a review on my poem 'My House' if you don't mind. (:
| TymCon 6/15/10 . chapter 4
I completly forgot about this story:O I remmeber readin it a while ago.
"It's a huge Catholic school", gotta love the irony.:P
"which meant not tearing her head off if she annoyed me. That was truly a task.", not so diffrent from a human sharing a room.
"I had to say; it was a pretty nice uniform.", i'm bad at grammer so im probably wrong. But isn't that semicolon meant to be a colon?
"Maybe the characteristic of vampires not being able to survive in the sunlight was a myth.", hm that sentence sounds a bit awkward.
"Inside there was a large room with large tables", i have a really annoying habit of doing this in my stories. I put like the smae word like 5 times in a paragraph. But anyway you should describe the table or the room without another word than large.
"Of course I wasn't girl," Xailia hissed. "I have more important things on my agenda.", okay i ahve no clue about what she was doing.
Well this chapters preety good, but sometimes in the chapter the main character acts a bit...robotic.
Repay to Eden.
| Vroooommmmmm 6/15/10 . chapter 1
Ok...first the starting...
ur starting was good...a neat small chapter which started with thoughts..that is good enough...
Then the actual stuff...great work...i liked the concept..descriptions of setting, environment is ok-ok..but then this is a first chapter...u did not reveal too much thats good.
ending also was good..
then...some grammatical mistakes exist n u need to edit the basically...i mean some problem with ur punctuations
| lili999 5/27/10 . chapter 1
Cheap retail watch, sunglasses, belt, hats/caps, High quality T-shirts,
ED hardy t-shirts,ED Hardy hoodies,ED hardy ,Jeans,GUCCI shoes,LV Handbag,Chanel
Handbag…high quality,low to
| Sohrryp 5/13/10 . chapter 8
I enjoyed this very much! There were a few mistakes with capitalization and a few other minor things.
I like Mai. I'm assuming she's your avi. She reminds me of Tatsuki from Bleach. I have no idea why. Maybe it's because of her kickass personality.
I hope Mai's new friends go well, but I'm not sure.
I have a really bad feeling.
| Backseat Benediction 4/28/10 . chapter 1
wow, this chapter was really interesting. the "Crack!" was a good thing to throw in to draw attention and I loved the way you started the piece with suspense(: great work! can't wait to read more!
| Kobra Kid 4/19/10 . chapter 8
I'm so glad that Mai is having a good time with her friends. But I'm afraid that something will happen & her emotions will stop her from doing the right thing. I really love this story, keep up the good work & update soon please!
P.S. Thank you SO much for your reviews on RFTA! Could you please review the latest chapter? Thanks again!
| Broken Cross 4/18/10 . chapter 6
Wow, I'm sensing something strange among Amy's friends! The way you wrote it made me feel uneasy & sorta like "they are not what they seem to be!" Haha, again I can't wait to learn more about Drake. He seems like an odious, smexy guy ;3 Onto the next chapter!