I like the interaction in this chapter. The only thing is that I think some more necessary details about the setting (unless it's intentional) could be squeezed in other than the characters conversing.

Good details at the beginning. The only thing is that a few parts feel like they could have been shown instead of told. The pillow fight towards the end is an example. But a good chapter.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{“Because,” Mika said scratching her head, “I got something to tell you, Juria.”} A comma after "said", and a period after "head."

{You save me once, then think that you're in love with me?} I think it's "You saved."

{Anyway we're done here, I'm leaving.”} A comma after "Anyway."

{Thanks Mika.”} A comma after "Thanks."

{“She calls me too.” said Makoto, looking up from her magazine.} A comma after "too."

{“She wasn't always a lesbian you know?”} A comma after "lesbian."

{“She had way too much sexual energy for me though!”} A comma after "me."

{“That's because you are a harmless kitten in bed, Chiharu.” said Makoto, who didn't even take her eyes off of the TV screen.} A comma after "Chiharu.

{“I still wish she was here though.”} A comma after "here."

{“I can stay if you want me to Akiko, Chiharu is actually seeing some guy. Running back to the other side.”} A comma after "me to."

I'm seeing that the plot is moving on. I like the part with Akiko and Maki. :-)

I personally think that the part with Mika was a tad melodramatic. I think maybe the interaction could have been subtle (instead of info-dumping - Mika admitting that she's jealous - show through conveying of emotions.) But that's just a suggestion.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{Coming to class meaning she came only to take her chemistry final.} This sentence confused me. I'm not sure if it's intentional. Maybe change "meaning" to "means", or lowercase "Coming" and add a semi-colon before it.

{but she holding up her promise to Eiren (and partly to Akiko) to stay in school.} she's.

{Usually, her day consisted to showering at about noon then heading over to the arcade until she was hungry.} A comma after "noon."

{“Yeah I don't know. I kinda had a rollercoaster ride if you know what I mean.} A comma after "Yeah", and another after "ride."

{“Myself, what do you mean?”} I'm not sure if the comma after "Myself" is intentional. It feels like it should be a question mark instead.

{“Well usually, you're going on and on and on about boys.”} I believe there should be a comma after "Well."

I feel you on the four person dialogue. I'm still struggling through that. But I think you did a good job with it. I don't see unnecessary tags when reading (at least to me.) Good character interaction as always. The only thing is the description about the restaurant. It feels too little. Maybe more necessary details could be squeezed it to give readers an image of the setting.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{I'm done with her Gwen.”} A comma after "her."

{It was a double date though.} A comma after "date."

{Until they were interrupted that is.} A comma after "interrupted."

{“What's wrong Akiko?”} A comma after "wrong."

{“Why do you two make up when I'm about to leave?”} This confused me. I think "do" could be "don't."

A good chapter. I thought that the part with Mika was a bit rushed. It could just be me, though.

I like the dialogue as always.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{Her eyes were wet, she was sweating and was breathing heavily.} This seems awkward. I can suggest replacing the comma with a semi-colon and reword the second half of the sentence [ex: she was sweating and she breathed heavily.] The same with the first half.

{It was a nightmare. A bad dream.} This could be dropped. The scene before she actually woke up shows this.

{Within an instant she headed out of the bedroom door and through the hallway to the living room, she spotted Gwendolyn pouring a cup of orange juice.} A comma after "instant." Also, I can suggest a semi-colon or period after "room."

{After a moment Gwen turned away and blushed.} A comma after "moment."

{Ultimately it's the story that matters right?”} A comma after "matters."

{“So how do you feel being my girlfriend, Risa?”} A comma after "So."

{Have them dot over you feels a bit wrong.”} I'm just wondering: Is "dot" correct?

{“Too many things have happened to me Risa.} A comma after "me."

{I went to school, danced, sang, acted and got into a school of the arts.} A comma after "acted."

{Risa tried to hold back her laughter but it was no use.} A comma after "laughter."

{Risa and Eiren were surprised by her seriously annoyed expression, wondering what happened.} "seriously annoyed expression" seems wordy. Maybe omit "seriously."

{“I don't understand why that director recognizes second-rate talent like yours, bastard girl”} A period at the end.

{She was so angry that both of her hands were balled up into fists.} "She was so angry that" could be dropped. The dialogue and actions (I think) shows it.

{Within the business that is.”} A comma after "business."

{“Yeah she is.”} A comma after "Yeah."

I'm seeing the conflict in the story, which is good. I like the dialogue. For some reason, I found the ending to this chapter adorable, even if Gwen's hair is being cut. I figured that this is for her character development (correct me if I'm wrong.)

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{Here we go again, was the thought that popped in her mind but she knew that it was all her fault.} A comma after "mind."

{It wasn't that hard was it?} A comma after "hard."

{And after this it seems like trying to keep two people from finding out about each other is pretty damn hard.”} A comma after "this."

{“I mean I don't know, it's only been a few hours since Aki--”} A comma after "I mean."

{“And by now you probably hurt them both, haven't you.”} A question mark at the end.

{Akiko rubbed her eyes looked up at Gwendolyn.} I think "and" should be between "eyes" and "looked." I can suggest that "looked" be replaced by a synonym to make the sentence stronger.

love it please upate soon

You're on the right track with dialogue, although I have to point that there are little to no tags in this chapter. Just put some, but not too much of course. Yeah, I know, it's hard. I had the same problem too.

Good details. More necessary ones could be squeezed in, especially during the part with Gwendolyn. But it was a good chapter. :-)

I was wondering why more readers aren't reviewing this story. I figured it's because of how the polyamory relationships are handled. Not saying that it's bad, but a lot of people (for reasons of their own) are getting turned off by harem stories these days (from what I've heard, actually), or stories in which the main character happens to get him/herself romantically involved with more than one person. When there are too many boys/girls, some readers are turned off because they are a lot of characters to catch up on. So far, Akiko is going out with three other women. Not a lot, so it still confuses me why this story isn't getting more reviews. It's not even that bad, and I'm even seeing improvement in your latest chapters. Maybe there should more consistency with the plot, but I don't know. You have the right to disagree with me, though.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{The tall woman grabbed a coat and her sunglasses and made her way out from the Town House Galleria hotel and went to go find a nice cafe somewhere in the Galleria.} I believe there should be a comma after "hotel" (unless it's intentional.)

{However Gwen had confidence in her abilities, because she killed every show she was in.} A comma after "However."

{Gwen tapped herself on the temple and pulled out her mobile and dialed Yamazaki's number.} This could be reworded [ex: Gwen tapped herself on the temple, pulled out her mobile, and dialed Yamazaki's number.] - or something like that.

{Yep, definitely a need for tears here.} I like the onomatopoeia you added at the beginning of this paragraph with the slap, but what I can suggest to make it more effective for the readers is to show that Akiko cried afterwards.

{At least Risa was still her to hold her.} still here.

A bit more necessary details could be squeezed in at the beginning, especially about the office, and also about the restaurant (the colors, sights, smells, people, etc.) But if you want to leave it as it is, the it's fine. I actually like the dialogue.

The part with Risa in the restaurant felt a bit awkward and anticlimatic. Will there be more about this in later chapters (I'm just wondering if the execution was your intention)? I don't know, maybe she could come back again, or something like that.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{“Luckily I have some.”} A comma after "Luckily."

{“You're a good influence you know?”} A comma after "influence."

{“Well you keep me away from the arcade now. Well, it's just a few hours out of the week, but it's still something right?”} A comma after "Well."

{“Yeah I also tell you to do school work.”} A comma after "Yeah."

{“Wow you're right. Nothing much. There's no pictures, but... There's two weird names you have here. Angel... and... Goddess?”} A comma after "Wow."

{Risa simply nodded (she noticed somethings been bothering Akiko ever since they met) and gave Akiko a quick peck on the lips much to the surprise of some nearby park-goers.} something's.

{“Okay, right this way Miss Komura Eiren.”} I believe there should be a comma after "way."

{“It's not anything too serious is it? Nothing bad?”} A comma after "serious."

{If this was important to Akiko she would help her in anyway.} I think it's "any way."

{Akiko pulled away embarrassed.} A comma after "away."

I like the dialogue, even though the last part with "We will be friends" seems a little stilted (I don't know, maybe it could be "Sure", or something like that - to show the readers.) Or maybe it's just me (I have a problem with dialogue at times too, so it's understandable. XD) And I like the details in this chapter. They were necessary, so good job. :-)

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{She winked at laughed at herself.} "at laughed" should be "and laughed."

{“Really.” “You should come and meet his fiancee.”} I can suggest combining these two together. I know that it's the mother speaking, so it would avoid confusion.

{“Yeah out of everyone I see at the arcade I kind of notice you the most.”} A comma after "Yeah."

{“Oh, like a studio stylist? I like for television shows and stuff?”} "I like" confused me. Maybe "In like"?

{“Yeah she was awesome when she was an amateur. Now she's blowing up and it's great.”} A comma after "Yeah."

{“Anyway let's stop changing the subject. I have something to say.”} A comma after "Anyway."

{Yeah Akiko was going to be stuck in purgatory, or hell, or wherever the bad people went.} A comma after "Yeah."

So sad towards the end. I like the transitioning. And yes, Shinya has been dealt with! :D

Corrections/Feedback:

{In July she had started a string of catalog jobs that actually lead to her first runway gig.} I believe "lead" should be "led."

{She was sitting about on a wooden stool on the kitchen, looking out towards the balcony at the urban skyline.} "on the kitchen" should be "in the kitchen."

{She picked up her mobile and flicked the pearl white cover open and navigated through the menus to her picture collection.}

{In the end Eiren took her to see Miss Takara.} A comma after "end."

{She was still working at Resistance as well, helping Miss Takara and trying to absorb more experience at being a hairstylist.} I think "experience" should be "experiences."

{“Today we have a photo shoot and interview with Smoke, the fashion magazine, and then, you have a spot along side Naoki on Dream Club Theatre.”} A comma after "Today."

{“Eiren, that's not my problem.} A quotation mark at the end.

{Gwendolyn brought Akiko into an embrace and kissed her, sending as much of her I love yous and farewells as she could.} I think "I love yous" should be "I love you's."

{They moved table and laid out the futon.} "the" should be between "moved" and "table."

{This morning however, was not like the others.} A comma after "morning."

{“Tears are still streaming down your cheeks. And your eyes are getting puffy. Tell me what's wrong Akiko.”} Unless it's intentional, the first two sentences could be dropped. It has been shown that Akiko was crying, so they're pretty much repeating it.

Gwendolyn must be a tell-it-like-it-is type of character to tell Eiren what happened to Akiko without hesitation, and to then later confess to Akiko in a straight forward manner. And will Akiko really tell Miss Takara what happened? From what I heard, a lot of victims, unfortunately, don't report it to anyone because of guilt. Correct me if I'm wrong, but to me the reaction and recovery seems a bit unrealistic, but if she's not going to report him later on in the story, then disregard this (even if I want him to be dealt with.)

So there's really something between Gwendolyn and Akiko now. I wonder how this will turn up.

Good chapter. I like the transitions. To me, the flow is smooth.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{“Yes, she told me. She's, uh, tired now so she resting in your room.”} "she resting" should be "she's resting." A comma after "tired now."

{The pair stayed together in each others arms well into the morning, getting a surprised gasp from Asako when she tried to tell Eiren the daily schedule.} "each others" should be "each other's."

{In a few hours she had to be ready in a black dress with black pumps and look sexy for her idol.} A comma after "few hours."

{“Oh, it's Eiren's favorite place to shop. It's in the Golden Central building. That's where were going. I called ahead before I met you so they're going to give us special accommodations.”} "were" should be "we're."

{“Well... Cherry has it's own floor but it isn't the whole store. There are the offices and then the private rooms.”} "it's" should be "its." A comma after "floor."

{Soon they arrived at their stop and hurried as fast as they could to Golden Central.} I believe there should be a comma after "Soon."

{It was a few hours before Eiren would come pick Akiko up (the studio was not that far from Golden Central by automobile).} I believe "It was a few hours" should be "It would be a few hours."

{Gwendolyn lead the bewildered Akiko to the elevator and as they got on Akiko slapped the tall girl's arm.} "lead" should be "led." A comma after "elevator."

{Through the glass door entry way was the reception desk, where customers would be checked before being let into the floor spanning store.} "entry way" should be "entryway."

{Sohee lead Gwendolyn and Akiko into a dark room.} "lead" should be "led."

{Along the left side of the wall were various racks with black dresses and next to the dresses were tables with stacks of heels.} A comma after "black dresses."

{“You can leave Sohee, were fine on our own.”} "were" should be "we're."

{It was the second time in two days they had betrayed their friend and there was no regret.} I believe there should be a comma after "friend."

{Gwendolyn wanted to ravish the bespectacled girl ever since she saw her waiting in front of the building checking her mobile and sweeping her hair backwards, letting it catch in the breeze} I believe there should be a comma after "building."

{Even if reality was a few minutes away, for Gwendolyn the moments were bliss.} You can leave it as it is, but I can suggest a semi-colon after "minutes away."

So, there's going to be a love triangle? Oh, the complications. XD

Good character interaction. I can't believe Eiren didn't announce her love for Akiko on public television.

Correction:

{Gwendolyn made herself at home in Eiren's spacious and cozy apartment, snuggling herself into the oversized cushions of the sofa, enjoying a salad she had made with some assorted vegatables and a vinaigrette she had whipped up quickly.} I believe "and" should be between "sofa" and "enjoying." "vegatables" should be "vegetables."

{Yep, somehow despite Japan's urban density it was more peaceful than England.} A comma after "urban density."

{As she looked at the monitor to see who it was, she noticed it was a girl carrying a wheeled case wearing a hooded jacket in the middle of summer.} I believe "and" should be between "case" and "wearing."

{She didn't recognize the voice behind the intercom, but if it was someone Eiren let inside then it was fine.} The second half of the sentence is confusing and could be reworded [ex: "but if it was someone that Eiren would let inside, then it was fine.] A comma after "let inside."

{The tall blonde was shocked.} I can suggest either dropping this or show that she's shocked (describe Gwendolyn's facial features upon seeing the bruises and bandages on Akiko's face.)

{"He was gone already, I didn't know what to do so I kept as much as my modesty as possible and headed home."} A comma after "to do."

{The blonde was a very nice person.} I can suggest dropping it as the sentences before and after it, and even the dialogue, shows this.

{She became a fountain.} This seems a bit awkward. I can suggest rewording it or just drop it - the next sentence shows this.

{They kissed. Their mouths met and both closed their eyes.} "They kissed." could be dropped - the next sentence shows that they kissed. "mouths" could be reworded to "lips."

That was terrible what Shinya is doing to Akiko towards the end. How could he?!

I see a some improvement in your writing. I'm glad that my reviews were being helpful. :-)

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{Akiko leaned back against the wall and stared at the ceiling. She had her pajamas on. It was boring.} The second and third sentences are passive and they could be dropped as the rest of the paragraphs show that she is bored and lonely. Also, the sentences could be combined and reworded [ex: "Akiko, in pajamas, leaned back against the wall and stared at the ceiling."]

{Ever since her parents through her out on the street the room was like a godsend.} "through" should be "threw."

{It was Naoki, the actor opposite Eiren.} I believe "of" should be between "opposite" and "Eiren."

{“Then what Eiren said wasn't true?” Maki was prying like she usually did.} Unless it's intentional, "Maki was prying like she usually did." could be dropped. The dialogue line shows that she's prying.

{“In any case you have to talk to Shinya and clear all of this up. That kid's been acting like some mute when we're around.”} I believe there should be a period after "case."

{Actually Gwen was most likely one of Eiren's first friends in Japan, period.} I believe there should be a comma after "Actually."

{She was an actress turned model, the one hundred percent foreign girl was too tall to be a complete star so she turned to modeling instead.} A comma after "complete star."

{She had flowing blonde hair and magnificent hazel eyes.} These seems distracting. I can understand that you want to describe the character, but what I can suggest is that during the dialogue, you can describe Gwendolyn's hair and eyes through her action [ex: twirling a strand of blonde hair with her finger, hazel eyes gleaming, etc.]

{“She's beautiful okay. And she did my hair!”} A comma after "beautiful."

{“Don't talk about that! It was an accident!” Gwendolyn laughed knowing exactly what Asako meant.} A comma after "Gwendolyn laughed." I can suggest dropping the second half of the sentence (after "laughed".) It'll show that she knew what Asako meant.

{“Oh! I have lots of stories for you Gwen.” It was going to be a while.} "It was going to be a while." could be dropped. The dialogue line itself shows that it'll take a while to get through the stories.

{“No! Gosh darn it Shinya I've known you since the first year of high school. Why would you want to date me now?”} A comma after "Shinya."

{“You grew on me. You lead people on way too much.” Oh lord he's got a point there.} A comma after "lord." Also, I think "lord" should be capitalized (correct me if I'm wrong.)

{Please! She cried.} Is this a thought or a dialogue line? Either it should be in italics, or have "Please!" in quotation marks.

Good execution of the second part of this chapter. I actually thought that you were introducing new characters at first. Good job. :D

This story needs more reviews. It's good so far and I like how you're building the conflict between Eiren and Akiko.

--*--

Corrections/Feedback:

{It was a early Saturday morning at Resistance and Akiko was in the salon helping the staff with some patrons.} an early.

{“Yeah she does. Still, that girl is a handful. Also she only acts this way around me and her manager. Never when she's on set or at a shoot or at a show.”} A comma after Yeah and another after Also.

{“Oh yeah sorry, here you go.”} A comma either after Oh or Yeah.

{“Miss Takara could I leave early?”} A comma after Miss Takara.

{“Ahaha! Look, Uchida is talking to the ghost! Why would he even do that? Do you think he likes her? Ew that can't be! I mean she wears no makeup! Her hair is too long. Her skirt is too long. Haha Uchida is probably desperate.”} A comma after Haha.

{“Aw, Eiren you can't do that to me! One date?”} I think there should be a comma after Eiren.

{“Whatever, lets go to your dressing room, we gotta talk.”} let's.

{They greeted other actors and crew they passed to the dressing room and when they got there Akiko pulled a popular gossip magazine out of her bag.}