FIGHT FOR THE FREEBIE PRIZE

Ending: Hmm, well I can see how you wanted to foreshadow with that last line about Windbreeze's party but it came off as cliche. In every other story you read they always say things like that to get the reader thinking that yes, the main character will do something. I think you could've foreshadowed in a different way and that wouldn't have come across as cliche.

Characters: So far, I like Vincent. He seems sincere enough in everything that he says and does and from the way you've written him, I get the sense that he has some endearing qualities. As for his voice, I think he needs to sound maybe a year or two more mature. He sounds as if he's about 15 but he's supposed to be graduating.

Writing: The writing fit the story more or less. It's not overly complicated or anything and I can see that that's the way it's supposed to be. You do a good job with staying consistent throughout, as well.

Spelling/Grammar: Just a few mistakes here and there, nothing too serious.

Pace: The pace in the beginning was perfect but I found that towards the end, it felt like you rushed it. I think you could've slowed down a bit and showed more of how Vincent really liked Janet, etc.

Other than that, nicely done.

Your wording made it very difficult to read. You could have done a lot more detailing of at least the setting. It seemed very underworked.

Okay wow i like the homeless man. That scene where he checked the kid for bruises sounded a bit pedo at the start though but it made the revelation that he was the boy that much better. I really cant wait to find out what happens:P

Hm that revelation was good but it was abit to quick. Like everything happening to quickly. bt still it does leave me wanting more:P

Oh wow tense ending. I liked the polotical scene in the last chapter.

Very short! I think the first three chapters could be combined. I also think that you could delve a bit more into detail story detail and not just setting detail. Honestly, I don't feel very bad for Vincent being beaten. Not because he's a bad person or anything, but because I don't feel a connection with him. I think you should give us a little more back story about him, because just knowing that he's an orphan from a unfortunate chain of events doesn't cut it for me. Still reading!

Err...the violence in this chapter was a little intense, huh? It seemed like the mood of the story changed from one extreme to the next, and then another. I would try transitioning a bit better, but at the same time..it kept me engaged. Fine tuning!

Also,this is just my preference, but I think you could fix your action scenes. Visualize them as you write them. Some parts just read awkwardly but I think it's because of the tense and person you've decided to combine. You have the foundation there, but it needs to be developed a tad more.

Nice introduction and characterization of Vincent, which makes appreciating his narrative easier. I can't comment too much on the story aspect yet, but I'll keep reading.

Another wonderful chapter. Great conversation, the whistling in the elevator was anice touch:P Nice bit of mystery.

Okay another wow chapter:O That scene where they were chasing the car was really good. And when the man came uo and stole jane was very nicelyt done too. Wow a cab driver was kinda psycho. Cant wait to see what happens next!

Okay wow intense chapter. I honeslty expected the homeless man to be the bad one in this chapter:O That drunk was horrible. Very nice chapter

A nice short and sweet chapter. the school boy analogy was good:P And i like the sherriff character. Well id give longer review but not really much happening but introducing a character.

Wow police brutality much:O Mind you i do actually know a few brothers who would do that. I liked the part where the fight was over and everybody just got on with party. It was realistic:P

I saw this in roadhouse and i thought after the success of letters of misinfermation id definetly read it.:P You have a nice style of writing. It gos from talking to "Us" to just talking in present tense, im not sure what thats called. But i have an inner monolougue sortave thing. Well anyway just congrats because i find this sortave writing hard to do:P Lol the guy in this really reminds me of myself. Ha when the principal an Jab were readjusting themselves i luaghed so much. And Janet seems like an intresting character and i kinda know what he means by the emotional baggage thing...Well as long as shes not completly crazy:S Lol a little bit crazy is nice:D
Oh btw return to Best times of our life, yeah right:)
Ps the next few reviews are free and may be shorter:P

Dang, that is SO wrong.
Grammar in this chapter: Good. No problems with me.
Issues: KICK HIS A**, WIND!! KICK IT, THAT'S RIGHT!
Vince: I feel SO sorry, for you, Vince. I still love you though. :D