THis is totally amazing1

I like your main charcacter, and I like the direction. By your prompt, I'm assuming you wrote this for school?

I'll start with showing vs. Telling. You seem to "tell" a lot. You should show what's happening instead of simply telling what's happening. Have the events play out in the story instead of just saying what's happening.

Also, be weary of your grammer usage. In creative writing, the rules that you were taught in school, for the most part, don't apply. Remember that grammer should complement each other. You shouldn't overuse things like the comma or period, and everything is releative. If you have a lot of short sentences and want to put something in the limelight, then a short sentence won't do, because of the short sentences that precede it. Vary your sentences a little, then when you want to make something go "bam" for the reader, put it in a shorter sentence. Also, when writing, it's a good idea to stick with past-tense.
I like the character though, which is a very vital piece to good writing. You want the reader to either like your character or hate him. Otherwise, the reader is indifferent and won't care what happens to the character.
~Laeden

Wow...that was impressive. It was really good! Perfectly psychotic and really believable. I loved it! :D