|Reviews for The Architect Book 1: Nightmare|
| Alteng 9/26/09 . chapter 7
Okay. I am caught up, and this is still not as far as I read on the original. I got to the point where Lacrimas got Jerren to the hospital and Jerren died at the end of the chapter.
Anyway, the thing in the sack reminded me of the crew in Bane. One of the members on that ship is a blob critter. Anyway, the exploration was well written, and this chapter holds together as an entity as well. I wouldn't break this one apart either.
The quote at the beginning seems to fit in as well, because to Lacrimas all the magic is science. Unfortunately, I am about as lost as Jerren is about all this Sai and Kardia stuff, but it is a thing that one learns as the story progresses.
Although the warning lights are going off in Jerren's head, Lacrimas still seems to be a very nice fellow. Of course, I don't think he ever explained what his job was specifically.
I am quite intrigued by the ancient secret of the precusors, but I would be. I am also interested in what the ball that Jerren found is. It might well be something of these precursors.
I only saw one typo, and it's towards the beginning for a change.
He needed to talk; to find Lacrimus, then then some food, then some answers.
Too many thens.
Well, I look forward to seeing the next chapter up.
| Alteng 9/25/09 . chapter 6
This is the first sufficiently lomg chapter that I have read that cannot be split in two different scenes. So, that is a good point on it.
I have a couple of picky points in the story. One of which, I do hope you changed Tonk's gender in the earlier chapter. Granted Tonk being a woman makes more sense because of their religion.
When Lacrimas is talking about the hospital and Jerren doesn't get it, I don't think Jerren will get the word physcian either. Youu might want to add a line for Lacrimas to say that physicians are doctors or healers.
The thing with accusations of why the seafarers didn't help them could have been easy enough. It is possible that they didn't know what was happening much like Lacrimas didn't know what was going on in the village either. I would think that Lacrimas would be quick to point that out for his fellows.
I do have to admit that the animosity between Tonk and the Medorians is an interesting conflict. After all, the reader has to admire Lacrimas. He seems to be a well meaning person. He reminds me of the city slicker in among a bunch of country bumpkins. Still, it seems odd that they allow him to throw the torch on the pyre, and he is an outsider regardless. The pyro-techics seem a bit too flashy for the occasion, although I realize he is in a hurry. Maybe, it would have worked for the best though.
It is a strange point to think of. The Seafarers have known of the island for some time. Lacrimas comes on one of their ships. He claims that because he has been able to find this hidden island, others will. The seafarers have known for awhile. If Lacrimas was looking for this Varim's sigil, I am certain others before have as well. it seems to ask the Seafarers about the location of an isolated island would make sense, unless the Medorians are very averse to associating with them.
Anyway, I have had my long rant there of. I think too much. I saw a couple of typos. One of them is the last sentence of the chapter, I believe belowdecks should be two words. I could be wrong on that one. I sm not the best at nautical things.
I did like the doubt in faith that Jerren has. it reminds me of a line that Vincent Price did in The Pit and the Pendulum, and Theatre of Tragedy used in one of their songs about if there was ever a god of peace and love, he long since dead. it is funny what things come to mind.
A funny thing is that I would think that the villagers would have been on edge for nightfall after such an attack. They would know that they couldn't stand another attack if it happened. I would think that they would want Lacrimas to stay to help to protect them, then he could explain that the Nightmares are attacked out as well to all of them and not just to Jerren.
I would also have to add a line when you are talking about how could Enos allow sucha horrible thing happen to these people in taking Patris' wife, I would have to add about the unborn child as well. She was completely innocent.
I must quit this review now, because the thng is jumping up and down.
Too long of a review. :)
| Alteng 9/24/09 . chapter 5
Okay, there isn't much I have in the way of criticism. It does seem like a very long night, but I think it could in such a situation. I saw two typos. I am trying to find them. They were both late in thes text.
With a a glowing blade extending from his right forearm he cut the skeleton down and motioned for Jerren to pay attention to the oncoming storm.
One too many 'a's.
This is irratating. I can't find the other one. It was a 'he' that should have been a 'the'. I haven't had a working pen with me the last couple of mornings.
I like how Jerren still thinks of the sword as "Abe's sword".
I have a lot of confusion about what the Nightmares are. I would think that Jerren just knows that they are. It seems funny that you refer to a creative genius behind them, and they all appeared the same in the one bunch of them. Given that I believe there is some science behind this, I guess this alright. The big, bad one at the end just makes me think about a spirit from Hell.
Again, it seems strange that the villagers gather in a lightless place like the mine, when the sunlight seems to kill these creature. Do they just form out of the darkness? They apparently appear after dark. What is to prevent them from popping up in the mines?
The same thing that I said about the quote before. I know, I'm a pain. I would have thought that someone would have died as a result of his actions or several someones. The big Nightmare thing seemed to be lurking in the mine anyway. Yes, Jerren is spent, but he could likely have been regardless, because if he didn't go off Lacrimas would not have been with them to help fight the monsters.
Anyway, it still moves along. I looked at your description. I feel the same about the later part of Bane. The character has to save the world. That is so cliche, but it happens,
| Alteng 9/23/09 . chapter 4
Okay, I must be getting into soing this again. I read this in one sitting, and I have comments to make.
First off, "Groaning, tried to sit up. " You lost a word here.
There was an issue with a 'who' but I can't find it now. Just keep in mind that who is whom when it is a direct object. I guess I am a bit more sensitive to this, because I took a couple of years of Latin. I don't have the highlighter on this internet program, so I can't find it.
I liked the contrast between how Jerren takes the death of a love one versus how Patris did. There is real grief in Patris. There was no problem with the way you did Patris before at this point. After all, some people can put the grief aside during a disaster, but once the adrenaline runs out, the tears come.
A point of critcism here. When Tyrus dies and is calling to his dead wife, you don't need to tell us who she was. We can kind of figure that one out.
I do wonder like Siege how Jerren did avoid getting attacked by the Nightmares in the mines. Of course, this might have to do with that jewel that Jerren picked up. Also, it is kind of weird that the villagers would chose such a dark place as a haven from creatures that lend well in the darkness.
Also, there is a feeling that this should be two chapters. I think it has to do with the two separate scenes, because on one hand, you Jerren travelling the mines, then you have the trauma of the survivors and the death of Tyrus.
Jerren is really going to be in the fire now. Because, he has now left the villagers wide open to attacks from the Nightmares. If there are any deaths to occur, fingers will be pointed at him.
Again, this is a very good chapter. You have made Jerren very human by giving him a range of emotions and doing some stupid things. Human beings are prone to that. The same can be said about Patris and his fate. He might have broke, but many would under this circumstance.
| Alteng 9/21/09 . chapter 3
Sorry about the delay. I've been plagued by illness.
Anyway, the only problem I saw in this chapter was the use of the word comatose refering to Jerren. Comatose to me means that he is unconscious. He seems to be dazed.
Again, as I have said about the initial reading of this, this is one of those chapters that moves without the use of dialogue. Sometimes, I think that is a real talent. We all seem to work things around the dialogue.
The taking of the sword seem to work better this time. It does seem odd that Abe would leave the sword behind, when they are at war. I think that Jerren is aware of that one.
| Alteng 8/26/09 . chapter 2
Okay, I was lazy this morning.
It still throws me a bit with Lacrimas the Shade. I keep thinking he is some undead creature, but I am kind of termed that way. This may not have the same influence on other readers, but I am letting you know how this hits me, and you never really say what he is at the beginning except a sorceror.
I do like the way that you describe he acquiring grey hairs in getting the journal. Books are that way, but that was a line that I remember from the original.
Okay, forward. The scene with the two men going out to the farm seems like it needs to have a bit of work. It just ended so sudden. It is a timing issue. You don't want to make it over long, but you don't want to rush things either. Of course, if you are like me, you know next to nothing about farming either. I would guess adding some comments about digging up the finest potatoes or something. As I have said, it just strikes me as short.
This is another curious thought. Tonk is shaman. I would think in a matriarchial society that the priest would be a priestess. I think it has to do with the same gender of the diety being more divine.
I am a morbid little piece, mind you. I would like to know why Tonk is called the One Eye. Is it a physical flaw, if so, make a quick note of it in the story. If it refers to being maybe the one eye of Enos or some other thing, let us know.
Okay, onward to the festival.
"Pungnent smoke from braziers and torched mingled" You mean 'torches'
The description of the music and its effects were nice.
I am very interested int eh Seafarers, but that is one of my fascinations. They seem to be an interesting little race and I am reminded of "Shadows over Innsmouth" and the Innsmouth look. They are fishlike people. It's a H.P. Lovecraft story. Anyway, just a curious little thought on this, but do they smell funny or fishy. You might want to add a comment in that. The smell doesn't need to be overpowering, but the folks of Glen's Hope might notice something a bit different there.
"all great to blush hold of a blushing girl with" I am unsure what this line is suppose to be, but I would think it would have something to do with grabbing a blushing girl.
"If felt as if he were riding the swell of enormous waves". Typo . . . The first if should be It.
I also like the description you made of the approaching Nightmares where they converged and formed. It was pretty neat.
| Jareth the Monk 8/26/09 . chapter 1
Well I finally got some free time to read. I found nothing grammatically wrong with it, and it moves along without getting into the comic-book mode of action. Nobody's come along yet to relate an entire legendary flashback story of why things are now the way they are.
I would be curious to know the size of the island (beware, I am about to blind you with science). Since most small islands (I am assuming its small since the population never grew large) are of volcanic origin (description of mountainous terrain is accurate), geographically young, and the processes required to produce metallic ores take many millions of years, mining for iron or steel (or even gold) is almost unheard of. But the ground is very fertile and agriculture is usually the staple industry (or fishing).
Other than that, its good enough that I'll get to the next chapter as soon as I can.
| Alteng 8/24/09 . chapter 1
Okay, I was able to get it together enough to read this coherently this morning. I don't know why my head does that.
The blacksmith scene at the beginning does work in well. There is an added sense of forboding with it since Abe feels inclined to make this weapon. The second scene with him in it, I have a little issue with. Jerren waves to him as he heads out to look for his cousin. I would think that Abe would be too immersed in his work to wave back. After all, the man is trying to beat the clock so to speak, and I don't think that jerren would be snubbed by him if he didn't acknowledge him.
What if a Nightmare manifests right next to you when you aren't looking? Then whack, no more Jerren.
I don't like this line. (Blunt, aren't I?) I guess the problem I have with it is that it takes from the gravity of the situation. I think it's the "Whack!" line.
I'm sure a freshly-born Nightmare won't long to bother me too much.
Another line . . . I think the problem I have with this one is the position of the word 'long' I think I would have written this as I'm sure a freshly-born Nightmare won't bother me long. Of course, you could mean 'long' as a desire. I think in that case, I would change to the word to 'want'. The sentence comes off awkward. (I should know awkward. I write enough mucked up sentences!)
For now I'm glad enough just to be in once piece.”
This is just a typo. Once should be one.
What woman has never had trials in her life?
I am very much the feminists with some of my writings, but I think it would work better if you take the gender out of this line, or make it masculine, because it is two men talking.
You also wrote a line about the death of the Nightmare and its scream would remain in Jerren's mind. You might want to make some kind of description of that scream. It obviously impressed Jerren, and i would say it was with horror. You might want to make the men cringe back at the sound, cover their ears or something of the like. A nice simile to describe the scream would work nice in this scene as well. You need to impress on the reader the horrors.
It is a surpise that the moving forces of the past and the deity are female. That was a bit different. I was impresseed by your fight scene with the Nightmare as well. I need to learn to write fights. I'm getting better at it.
The shorter chapter did make it easier to make a more detail comment about sections. I read enroute to work and home. That is the reason for the somewhat scattered comments instead of being in chronilogical order.