|Reviews for Precious Treasure|
| Mataoaka 8/1/10 . chapter 1
Nice! Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, but I've spent a week on the beach :) So this one caught my eye, naturally.
This was a very rounded-out one shot, I think. It was just creepy enough without being over the top. Your grammar was good, but Fictionpress puts "i's" and "/i's" where you have italics. Just a heads up. Also, you may want to hint at what she is a bit more subtly. I did really like the end, though, that was a really nice twist. Good job!
| zombie chickens 1/13/10 . chapter 1
Not enough reviews for such a cool short story. While looking through your work I couldn't help but stop to read it. Mysterious sailor stories are always fun and it was just the right amount of creepy. Including vampirism was an interesting twist to an old concept and it worked really well with the whole mood. Just a few things to point out.
"The following evening, and yet another group of prisoners were brought in." Take out the 'and'.
Also every time you use italics there ends up being an i at the beginning of it an /i at the end. I don't think it's necesary.
Good work and I will definitely look at your more recnt stories soon.
| Tegh 1/10/10 . chapter 1
Hey it's Tegh from the Road House. Sorry it's taken me a bit to review back, but work's been hell. Anyway saw the bit in there about the "old sailor" and couldn't help myself.
I liked the story and thought it held up very well as a "one shot" unlike a lot that I read. There where only a few grammatical errors I noticed and nothing major. The coding for italics can be taken out too.
A few structural things I noticed where the first meeting with the old sailor. In it he had an accent but when he was telling his story, all traces of the accent went away. The jump into his story and back to "real time" was also shaky. It may need a break or something to tell the reader...hey this is what happened, and hey...now we're back!
The whole vampire bit could have been played down slightly as well. Leave hints as to what she is (you did but they where overly strong and hinted at numerous times) but keep the key “give away” hidden until the very end, for a more dramatic effect. (Just my take...to each his/her own!)
All-in-all a great one shot piece and I greatly enjoyed the read. Being an ageing sailor me self, you portrayed me dieing breed admirably!