Pretty, I suppose, but absolutely stuffed full of cliches. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, I'm trying to be constructive, but lines like 'wish upon a falling star' and the stuff about being an empty shell - it's all been done to death and is, at times, a tad Disney. However, there were aspects of this I did like - for instance, the way you created a circular feeling by returning to the beginning at the end, and the way these lines are a meditation at once on a single moment and on a much wider relationship. I would like to see this worked on because I think it could be a lot better than it is - plus, (and I know this is hugely patronising), I do think you have potential as a writer.

Gatsby

This has a really beautiful flow and I really enjoyed reading it :)