   mousegirl05 2009-08-23 . chapter 1Ah Elkica, this is an engaging beginning to what I'm sure will be a downright fabulous tale. *smiles*
First of all, let me tell you that I love the way you've described the magic. I've never really encountered any description quite like this where the magic is an almost tangible element--such as when it is cut and falls to the floor. That was a beautiful piece of writing. Really nice. I also like how the colors play off each other.
Couple of quick points: I don't know if this is supposed to be a medieval type setting or a more modern one, but the feeling I got was more medieval. Of course, that could be my bias in reading magic/fantasy. However, assuming it's medieval, the word 'jackknife' really doesn't work. That's a much more modern development. The ‘wizarding whore’ (for now that’s what I’ll call him) might use a phrase like 'butter knife' or 'piece of sharpened tin'. Now, if it IS a more modern setting, jackknife does just fine. You can let the reader know either way right away by indicating WHERE that red light comes from at the beginning. You know, either a flickering light-bulb, a covered neon sign, etc. or something like a red-filtered candle or lamp. ^_^
One other thing I noticed: While the word ‘gross’ is appropriate and correct as the wizarding whore is describing Galeb’s master, it comes off a little childish--sort of on the same level as ‘yucky’. Being that it’s so early in the work, I can’t tell if he’s SUPPOSED to come off like that or not. His refined speech suggested to me, however, that he was not supposed to be childish. If he’s not supposed to, I would suggest he would use words like ‘foul’, ‘disgusting’, ‘repulsive’, ‘nauseating’, ‘revolting’, ‘hideous’, etc. Or even a long combination of adjectives. Again, just a little suggestion. I could see where he might use a word like ‘gross’ as he is toying with Galeb and therefore might actually be a little childish.
More than anything else, I really enjoyed the paragraph and revealing nature of said paragraph when Galeb mentions why he’s willing to talk about his master. It is a nice build-up of the tension and the life-or-death situation that at least one of them is engaged in. It has the undertone that Galeb ALMOST hopes he’ll be the dead one. Likewise the bit about failing and the repercussions of such—very nice.
As always, I like the work in general! ^_^ I meant to leave more positive and appreciative things than critiques, as I felt far stronger about the wonderful nature of what I did like compared to the relatively small feelings of that which I might change. However, once again it just took more words and space to address the critiques. Hope you’ll forgive me and understand it is not proportional to the enjoyment to stumble ratio! *Laughs* Ah, it’s late and I need to go to bed. Cheers! |
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