Oh my! This is beautifully creapy. I have previously read this prose peice before, finding it very emotive in every scene, and I'm enjoying it so far. Nice job.

Decent chapter... I enjoy the transition between horror and peace...

Impressive. I was away for a while dealing with some "issues"... I'm back and I like what you did thus far.. My only regret was not being able to read these latest chapters sooner...

keep up the good work.



Raziel X

There is something terribly funny about the line "Why aren’t you screaming on top of your lungs like you usually do?" Just thought I'd mention that, if you plan on having your demon's dialogue not amusing...

I liked the different way you took this chapter, focusing on Kylie's inner...demons. It's a fresh change of pace.

And I noticed a lot more distracting grammar errors. Might want to touch those up. (I.E. "lamb about to be slaughter")

~Sone, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)

Jazelyn's tendency to speak in the third person, her robotic nature to sense exact time, and her way of calling Kylie by her first name--it seems you crafted a kind of new "creepy smiley girl." Perhaps its because she was the one who ended up getting hurt, or that she has a sister, but there is something non-conforming about her character. Kudos.

It seems for the first time your chapter ending wasn't a cliffhanger. Sorta disappointing. But if that's what you were going for, then...?
(Either way, still a very good chapter)

~Sone, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)

I think your wording is a little choppy in some places. For example, "famished" and "freaking" shouldn't be in the same sentence due to the formality of one and the slang-ness of the other.

Also, I think your story's pace is going a little too fast. First she's at school, then at the "hospital"/"asylum" place, then she's havng nightmares...? It's getting a little fast for me to process in one reading, as I had to go over multiple times to make sure I had everything right.

~Sone, from the Review Marathon (Link in my profile)
(Bare with me on this. We have to put this in each one of our reviews. ;P)

Your opening is good. At first I thought it a cliched "bad day" story but then I saw "carried away" and got more interested. And by her psychologist, nonetheless.

What was a little confusing was that in the middle you switched tenses a bit: "Her skin IS very..." with "She SMILED..." Fixing some of these little errors would make it a whole lot better. :)

~Sone, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)

A dark, interesting twist to a girl's life. First, Jaze and now her tormentor... I believe you took a page of horror out of my book. Though, I can appreciate the notion... I look forward to the next few chapters...

Very unique, if I do say so myself... You designed this so well. From the moment a chapter starts, you bring out the terror of one's inner demons and then you animate it onto the screen, paper, or whatever you're using...

Very impressive. You, my frend have earned yourself a fan!!

Keep up the impressive work!