|Reviews for Unintentional|
| Quint 8/31/09 . chapter 1
I always do this so bear with me... pointing out errors first:
"An unbelievably horribly headache."
Horribly should be Horrible.
"Not like anybody looked anyways."
Not like anybody was looking anyways. Sounds better.
"I took a window seat, staring emptily at the unoccupied chair across from myself."
I haven't heard anyone ever say "stared emptily" or "staring emptily" it's always "vacantly", which is essentially the same thing. But you have used various forms of empty in this paragraph already e.g:
The shop was completely empty
staring emptily at the unoccupied chair
emptiness of the chair
I suggest you change it up so it doesn't sound overdone. You also used the word "slightly" four times in this same paragraph, again, it's alright to change it up.
"What was bothering, however, was the sudden image of a cake filling my vision."
I'd put "me" right after "bothering". Sounds rather odd otherwise.
"Now the walls look of rotten bananas and he ceiling looks like a mold or fungus that will drip onto every person who walks under it."
Maybe change to "look like rotten bananas". You forgot the t in the. Pretty gross imagery used there haha, brilliant. I hate when ceilings look like they're made out of cottage cheese.
Anyway, there are a few typos I noticed but I don't want to be a bother by pointing them all out. Sorry to be a pain in the arse so far.
I rather like this story, the main character is certainly unique. I have never met anyone quite like her (or him?). It is a very well-rounded character. You also managed to show a lot through this and weren't stuck on too many details. Brilliant work.