“Remain calm everyone, everyone please stay and have a seat." - that seems a bit unlikey, the dialgoue's too stiff.

Otherwise, very interesting story and I hope you'll continue!

Narq.

This was really good kept me reading straight through.

Ratchet is the hero of the story.

Your characters have very interesting names. Your story didn't seem to have mistakes to me.

maybe I missed it.

I will be reading more of your stories soon! :)

Wow, this definitely jumped into the action in the last half. I hope there's a good explanation of why a bunch of students would jump into the fight like that.

Other then the things that Palm Tree pointed out, I definitely see nothing wrong with this story. You have a great plot, a well put together first chapter (which is somehow hard for me to accomplish) and interesting characters that stick out in my mind. Great job! I definitely look forward to reading more of this and I'm honored that you found Sacrifice to be an inspiration.

Hah, I do see a little Tales of Symphonia with the classroom setting, and the attack/invasion at the end.

Seems pretty interesting so far. Good descriptions and dialogue. I liked the little explanation used in the class session.

Here's some good techniques to make it better:

1. When describing a character, give your reader about two-to-three important characteristics. This way, your reader can use their imagination to fill in the rest (thats why when people watch a movie based off a novel, they'll say that the main character looks much different than they'd envisioned).

2. Pick out one character and stay in his or her point-of-view for the entire chapter or section. For example, narrate only through what Ratchet is seeing, feeling, or thinking. You can switch, though, when you change scenes, they have to be blocked off by an ellipses (*) or border line.

And for more tips, I would give Ratchet another name to avoid the cliche of him being a mechanic. Give him a real name, but say that "ratchet" is a nickname to explain why people call him that.

And when someone talks, say "he said" or "Jordyn asked" so there won't be any confusion over who's talking. If the speaker isn't doing action after talking, make a new paragraph for the next character's actions.

Other than that, I'm interested. Hope I helped out a bit. And I look forward to seeing more.

Starting with the story’s introduction, there were quite a few typos (ex. ("... until a chosen angel appear[ed]...") ("... they are either murdered or have die[d] peacefully.") (“… this world shall be destroy[ed]…”)) There was also one line ("For years the world has given it’s chosen a descendent to travel the many lands to find the chosen’s ending, but at what cost?..") that was rather confusing. I understood the concept that the sentence is intended to describe, however I do think that it could be worded so that it is less confusing. Also, I’m pretty sure that “everyday” should be two words in this case since “everyday” is an adjective synonymous with “ordinary” and “commonplace”. Still, it was a great introduction that explained events in history concisely and, what’s more, it carried with it an ominous note to hint at the actual story’s plot. One thing that I really loved was the Chosen’s quote ("'You must end this story correctly for if I still watch this, this world shall be destroy[ed] by my power.'"). Epic. And I wonder, if that perhaps some foreshadowing coming to play?

On the actual chapter, to the beginning there was a sentence ("It was another peaceful, warm morning here at Solar hill Valley, the cool spring wind was gently blowing on its soft green hills and plants.") that I think should be two sentences since there are two complete thoughts contained in it. Be sure to capitalize “Solar Hill Valley” since it’s the name of a place. I found one unnecessary comma ("... the children here from the village--,-- are attending school...") and a typo ("... and a black tan[k] top underneath..."). There was an error in spelling ("... holding his now burse forehead.") where “burse” should be “bruised” and a few instances with multiple punctuation (ex. “?!”). Of course, multiple punctuation is not a complete and utter crime (especially when the story is a manga) but a written work does look more professional without them. At one point, there was an unnecessary word ("... with some of the bangs were covering...") and “were” should be omitted. Then, in the sentence ("... with hot sweat coming down his covered face from his forehead.") the last three words should be omitted since, because the character’s face is covered, they add little to nothing to the image being described. There were a few instances of repetition (ex. ("… just to knock—down--the watchman flat—down--on his face.”) (“…to wipe—off--some of the dirt—off--their clothing.”)) and, while repetition is not a major concern, it greatly improves the reading experience when wording varies. In the examples I provided, it’s more or less a simple case of omitting one of the words since it’s the same word appearing in a single sentence. There were a couple of times when there was one too many adjectives (ex. ("... his semi-deep yet sparkling crystal sapphire blue eyes.") ("... a lean, toned muscular slender body...")). I would suggest choosing the adjectives that best describe your noun and then cutting the others since too many adjectives can actually take away from the description. There were a number of sentences that were confusing to read and may need revision (ex. ("... with his right hand that had a rusted, metal gauntlet on which also covered his right forearm.") ("Inside, it was average size that had fresh wooden walls and floors with a perfect scent of old maple tree.") ("His grayish-silver spiky hair and bright purple eyes that matched his youthful personality, he wore a light dark blue tan top to show his lanky muscular light tan skin body, a spike collar around his neck.")) I could understand each and every one but I am convinced that they can be reworded to have a better flow and become even easier to comprehend. There were a few really long sentences (ex. ("She stood about five foot three with a curvy, slender body in a three quarter light gray dress shirt, black dress jeans with white flowering on the leggings, small grayish-black boots, and wore a locket which was holding a picture of her love ones and a secret passage that not even her can understand.")) dedicated to describing a single character all at once. It’s obvious that a picture is being painted however it seems forced. It would be better if the description was spaced out and applied only when the focus is on the particular trait being described. For instance, the sentence ("Her eyes were looking at the window, watching the clouds going by slowing with the wind.") would be a perfect time to let the readers know the color and quality of her eyes. Another thing I will mention is that new paragraphs should be started when the reader’s focus is shifted from one character to another. As an example, say, when one person speaks, a new paragraph would begin when another person responds. The only complaint that I have for the actual story is in the quote ("'OH MY GOD! THE NNYXINS ARE BACK!'”). It was impossibly sudden and immediately severed my willing suspension of belief simply because there was nothing to back up such an abrupt conclusion. What’s more, I personally thought that the war they were studying happened really, really, like ancient-history-type long ago. After the declaration, things seemed to move at a really fast pace and it was the equivalent of experiencing whiplash. I would suggest that this be approached in a different way. For one, don’t have a character possess the immediate knowledge of who caused the explosion. Normally when something like that occurs, there’s a sense of disbelief and shock for most witnesses rather than instant screaming and crying panic. The panic typically comes moments after. The teacher making his way to see what exactly happened was good and believable. Pretty much the only thing I think is absolutely necessary is to change the fact they all assumed the Nnyxins were back.

The entire chapter had a nice sense of narration and some really interesting characters. I just wish that there was more time spent on characterization but I guess that’s something to read in later chapters. Minus the overuse of consecutive adjectives, I love your sense of description. Description is always good and you really do offer a variety of detailed images with your words. Ratchet seems like an amusing comic relief-type character and I get the feeling he’ll probably end up being my favorite. (XD) Jack is mysterious and I’m not too sure what I think about him as of now. In a way, the same goes for Jordyn but not because she’s mysterious but rather because she’s still pretty level and, me being overly critical of most female characters, I probably won’t become partial to her until I find something unique about her character. You had a very effective way of introducing the Great War to the present day of the story, more specifically the school setting. I loved it. I also simply love the concept of a Great War in general and am curious about its details. Don’t be put off by my pointing out near every single grammatical error, I was just very meticulous when reading and writing this particular review. Despite how it may seem, I truly enjoyed reading this chapter and hope to see "Storybook war" go places. All in all, it was a very good beginning that effectively introduced characters, setting, and even kicked off the plot. You /should/ be proud of it.