Hey you’re a good writer :) Overall I liked your piece, the basic plot and idea of it was very good. You described things in a cool way but it got choppy in some places. My advice would be to go back and read the entire thing out loud so you can see which sentences don’t sound right.

Aww, this is really cute, you should make it into a story, I would read it.

That was so beautifully written. I can't believe that I didn't see this piece before. I'm glad that I found it now. XD The first paragraph was poetic. You did a great job in conveying emotions and showing what's happening. You managed to paint a moment in just one page. The interaction between the two didn't feel forced/overdone to me. It was simple and to the point, and in my opinion it was portrayed realistically. I would love to read more of this if you want to and when you have the time. I just feel like it could be expanded. Your writing style amazes me.

As for the feedback below, you don't have to agree with all of it. Just use what works and disregard the rest. :-)

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Feedback:

{As he resumed his original spot in his seat, their eyes locked.} I could be wrong, but I don't there should be a comma in this sentence.

{“You have to go?” he questioned without any detectable emotion.} "without any detectable emotion." - to me, it seems a bit out of place. Maybe it could be dropped and/or replace with something like "flatly." Or it could just be "he questioned." - to let the readers infer how he questioned.

{“I was supposed to leave ten minutes ago,” she replied playfully.} Again, I think that the tag doesn't need an adverb in this case.

{Her emotions overwhelmed her, making it seemingly impossible to buckle her seatbelt.} You can leave it, but "Her emotions overwhlemed her" seems like it's telling. I think the rest of the paragraph shows this (plus the conveying of emotions in the story.)

I liked the [opening]. I thought the first two lines were incredible, and after a moment when I what they meant I loved them. The opening really pulled me in.

There was the one [scene], after 'he' climbed out of the car. It was great, especially with the details about having trouble buckling the seat belt. It felt so real. I loved it.

[Technique]. I already mentioned how great the first lines were. And in both the first and second paragraphs, there are like transitions in the atmosphere and they're like so smooth, and the change makes everything feel more powerful. One thing I'm not sure falls into this: Two paragraphs above "I guess," it says, "To reveal a piece of himself," and after "I know, it says, "but hoping for something more." When I read the latter, I felt like I already knew it, I'd already read it. So maybe you could have changed it to "still hoping," you could have left it out, or something else. Maybe.

Ahh, the [ending]. It solved the conflict in a way, and it was sweet. I really liked it, but it would have been nice if there had been just a little more after the last line. Maybe a little reaction from the girl or something.

- giant squid. 4 Freebie =D

[Both of them chuckled, amused by each other’s embarrassment.]
I didn't feel the part after the comma was necessary.

[Light hearted]
That's one word.

[palpable desperation]
I like that you used 'palpable'; unique.

[and the small smile that emerged as she reached to touch his face, indicated his true feelings.]
Don't think the comma was necessary.

[“You have to go?” he questioned without any detectable emotion.]
[“I was supposed to leave ten minutes ago,” she replied playfully.]
Try not to draw attention to words that don't need it; said-bookisms do this. "asked" and "said" would've worked just fine, with the added bonus of invisibility.

[she finally spoke, “So… I guess I should get going then.”]
"Spoke" isn't a tagline. You could replace the comma after it with a period, or use "said" instead.

[She looked at, him uncertain about what to expect next.]
At what?

As for the idea, I think it depends; as it is, this snapshot is cliched, but perspective is important, so it's all in the way you convey it.

- Sesshy, Freebie Review

wow, at first I got scared cos she looked like a desperate girl but the ending is sweet, I like how he said I'll miss you.
sweet.
have an amazing weekend.

Mini-Mod!! I always have trouble review you cuz you write so much poetry and I PHAIL at poems so I was pleasantly surprised to see prose! woot!

Ahem. ThankyouforparticipatinginRMhere'syourprize:

As I was saying. I like the line about her trying to clip the seatbelt. It was an excellent way to portray a very simple emotion.

The end was predictable and expected :P I mean that's how it always goes right? Just when the protagonist thinks she'll never reach his callus heart, Mr. Love Interest shows he cares. That said, I liked it. It was cute and sweet and fluffy. Like cotton candy.

If my opinion means anything (it may not but oh well here it anyway) I think the snapshot idea is better than an actual story. While a story can quickly sour, individual vignettes can explore different facets of a relationship and in the end have more depth.

Anyhow! I liked it muchly!

Review Squader Bubbles :P

This was very, very good.
It had a bit of a more flat-ish feel to it, except the first sentence, which was quite good. An in-depth description of the goodbye might be good, and you could put it as the girl noticing the most detailed, yet insignificatn things. It would help build the depth

I really liked it. Some of it is cliched, but it is cliched cause it works! I really liked how you developed these two characters without giving them names, but they still have some personality about them. I like how you ended it as well, it you wanted to continue this story then you have plenty of room to move, yet you can also leave it and it seems finished as well.

Keep it up.

detailed.
precise.
emotional.

...makes me want to know what
their story is.

very nice.

I really liked the idea of having such a simple title for a story with nameless charachters. It gives it a universality of feeling.

The ending was also nice and very sweet and although you say it was your first longer fiction the pace of the dialogue kept up and kept me interested in the story.

However I found myself wanting to know more about the chrachters personalities and the situation as without this I didn't feel particularly sympathetic to the woman. If you extend this fiction then I'm sure that will be covered, but as a stand alone story it would be nice to have some more information.

Overall though a big thumbs up and I'll be checking for when you have an update. If you have a chance would you have a look at my first story. I'm new to the site and would love some helpful comments. Thanks.

That's really sweet. You should write more.

I think the idea itself is sweet, if a little cliched. The lines in the beginning, "if she let go, she would clearly plummet to her death" and "removing them would cut off her life source" is just so expected, I've read the death and the life source line in another million stories elsewhere.

I love the part where he becomes unbalanced, it makes the story more realistic.

Making it into a series of short stories about the relationship would be a good idea, but perhaps it would be better if you gave the characters some names if you did so, just so that the characters become more real?

Thanks for your constant reviews of my poems, I've been off for a while but I'll try to return the favor now!

You are very good at conveying what you mean using few words. I liked the portrayal of the boy, how mysterious and aloof he acted, when really he's just a big ol' softie. XD Also, interesting use of the word "shortchange." But about the girl--personally, the glimpse I got of her character made her seem needy to me. But this is only my personal opinion.

A few errors I noticed: "...he kissed her lightly on the check." "Check" should be "cheek." Also, "She looked at, him uncertain about what to expect next," should be "She looked at him, uncertain about what to expect next." And, "...to shortchange him like she had her..." This should be "...to shortchange him like he had her..."

This seems to be your typical, every-day high school romance. If you were to make this into a longer story, you would likely have to throw something extremely unexpected into the mix to make this seem less cliché.

I liked how this flowed together nicely, the emotion of the peice really attracts the reader to how the girl is actually feeling, not so much for the guy though.

Short peices like these would be good, but they could also be linked.

Maybe a little more from the guys point of view and it would be better but overall it is a nice peice of writing.

Alegra xx