I'm sad Fuyuki's being picked on because of her drawings. But she must be a great artist! But why does Sayuri call her Franky? Great work so far!

Oh no! Fuyuki-chan's being picked on! But I hope she'll find some nice people in the art club. People should know that just because she has hidden connections with the yakuza doesn't mean that she's a bad person! What personality disorder does Fuyuki have again? But nice work!

WHAT?!? Oh no!! Fuyuki-chan's mother was shot!! I can't believe that stupid man! But I'm loving this so far! Fuyuki seems like a very cute little girl. She kind of reminds me of...well, me! I'm kind of a loner because of me being autistic and stuff. I hope Fuyuki will be okay! Losing her mother at such a young age! If that ugly man returns, I'll want to punch him so hard in the mouth it'll wake up his dentist! I'm loving this so far! Instant faving!

Let me say your grammar isn't the best in this. Its terribly distracting, such as not having "s" at the end of "asks". Also, you introduce your characters much too quickly. And you spend a little too much time describing the character's outfits. Again, distraction.

I think you've confused your tenses a bit. Present tense is what I saw in the beginning, and then you slowly slip into past tense.

And lastly, I think this chapter is unnessecarily long. You start nearly all of your paragraphs with dialogue, as well. I don't think it would hurt to break up parts into shorter chapters, and put in some descriptions in between.

Good luck with your writing.

~Sone, from the Review Marathon (link in my profile)