An interesting chapter. Micheal is becoming a creepy character to me (mainly because of his obsession with Helenette.) I wonder how this conflict will progress.

I see a connection with Micheal in the plot. I like how you connect it. I think that before the part with mentioning him, there could be a pagebreak (and one after the paragraph too.) A good chapter. :-)

The word "smile" has been repeated. During the part where Helenette is thinking about Bernadette could be shown rather than told (show that she began to cry.) The only other thing is that more necessary details/imagery could be added to describe the surroundings/atmosphere/mood.

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Corrections/Feedback:

{At the theater Jazzmin and Bernadette were metaphorically glued together, as usual.} A comma after "theater."

{Bernadette wasn’t really okay though.} A comma after "okay."

{Use is as energy for the show.} "is" should be "it."

{She’d crossed a major line though,} A comma after "line."

{Bernadette tried not to think about it, it would ruin her façade.} A semi-colon after "about it."

{Bernadette did feel bad for lying to Jazzmin though.} A comma after "Jazzmin."

{The first time he’d hurt the woman, then shown up at her show.} I think "shown" should be "show."

{She wouldn’t push herself onto her though.} A comma after "her."

{If Bernadette wanted her back she would let her come back when she was ready.} A comma after "her back."

{If she chose not to come back Helenette wouldn’t force herself onto her.} A comma after "back."

A few details could be squeezed in during the part where Bernadette performed in the show, and there was some telling (mainly when Bernadette interacted with Jazzmin - conveying of emotions would make it more effective.) But a good chapter and I like the ending.

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Corrections/Feedback:

{Once inside she bolted straight for her dressing room.} I think there should a comma after "Once inside."

{“Bernadette we’re about to start rehearsal!”} A comma after "Bernadette." I can suggest that the next sentence be on a separate line. There should be a period after "We need you."

{“Whatever it is you need to push past it.} I think there should be a comma after "is."

{“No,” pause.} A period after "No." I can suggest omitting "pause." Replace it with another sentence to show that there's a pause (ex: describe the silence instead or insert ellipsis after "No.")

{“Well in that case you might want to get dressed,”} A comma after "Well", and I believe another one after "case." A period after "dressed."

{Saturday morning Helenette woke up with a headache.} A comma after "morning." I can suggest adding a page break before this for the transition.

There was some telling and I got confused during the part with Helenette and Micheal. Why can't she fight back when he kissed her? Why does she feel as though she was pulled by a magnet when seeing him? It wasn't too overdone, but honestly I was confused by what happened. But this was a good chapter. It's just that part that disrupted the flow for me.

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Corrections/Feedback:

{A man she didn’t recognize stood well-dressed on the sidewalk not far off from the door that lead to the lobby.} led.

{“If you’ve got a good explanation I’ll listen,”} A comma after "explanation", and a period after "listen."

I like the fluff towards the end. X3 There were some telling and punctuation errors, but a good chapter.

In response to your review reply, you're welcome. :-)

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Corrections/Feedback:

{“Well for starters I got a girlfriend,”} A comma after "Well", and a period at the end.

{“Well I’m glad you’re back. I need to get ready,”} A comma after "Well." A period at the end.

{As the time that Bernadette would be home for the night drew closer Helenette decided to make them a romantic dinner.} A comma after "closer."

This chapter had a sad atmosphere to me. The conflict presented was fast for me, though. But this was a good chapter. :-)

The descriptions of their dresses seems a bit distracting. You can leave it since it's just a paragraph, but I can suggest that you describe it through their actions [ex: she brushed dust off her dark red dress.] Necessary details about the dance (is it a club or a formal party?) could be added to make it effective and vivid for the readers. Conveying emotions (especially Helenette's feelings about sleeping with Bernadette, other than that she doesn't want to be alone) towards the end could help as well.

The words "reply" and "look" has been repeated more than a few times.

Congrats on having your poem win the contest. I'm sure you deserved it! :D

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Corrections/Feedback:

{Helenette was now emotionally unstable because her aunt called to tell her that her mother had passed on} I'm not sure if "passed on" is correct. It could be "passed away."

{The response was a predictable mix of acception and rejection but this did not jeopardize their careers.} A comma after "rejection."

{Madonna hopped off of Helenette’s lap allowing Bernadette to hug her.} I believe there should be a comma after "lap."

{Although her external had headed her emotional ones seemed to grow.} A comma after "headed."

{Ever since Helenette had found out about her mother’s death Bernadette found it hard to be around her.} I believe there should be a comma after "death."

{“We used to be so care free, so happy. What happened?”} I think it's carefree.

{A few minutes later Bernadette had parked.} A comma after "later."

{The dances were mostly ballroom, but once in a while the music would slow and the only appropriate dance was the romantic slow dance.} A comma after "slow."

This chapter started a bit deppressing but i can see it was needed. I would be emotional too if my mom died and emotional leads to deppressing. It got better at the last bit though. Can't wait for th next one

Good character interaction. I personally thought that it was rushed (the romance), but at least you added in an explanation towards the end of this chapter. There were some parts that could be shown instead or told, and it feels that a bit of imagery could be added to enhance the descriptions.

I noticed that "smiled" and "replied" has been repeated, and also that all the dialogue lines end in commas. If there's a tag after it, then it's a comma. If it's not or if it's just a line, then it should be a period.

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Corrections/Feedback:

{Bernadette pushed them gently back onto the floor and pet the both of them.} I think "pet the both of them" could be "pet both of them." If it's correct, then disregard this.

{She was very reluctant about leaving Bernadette alone but her feet were killing her.} A comma after "alone."

{Meanwhile Bernadette slowly, carefully, and safely made it to her bed.} I believe there should be a comma after "Meanwhile."

{She closed her eyes but didn’t fall asleep, simply relaxing.} A comma after "eyes."

{When Helenette had finished the water was stained red but she’d stopped bleeding.} A comma after "red."

{“Yes it is,” Helenette answered, absentmindedly biting on her lip.} A comma after "Yes."

{“Well in that case,”} A comma after "Well." Also, there should be a period at the end (the sentence after it is not a tag.)

{She looked up into Helenette’s eyes radiating love and happiness from her own.} I believe there should be a comma after "eyes."

{“If it does then who cares?” replied Helenette.} A comma after "does."

{“I’m sorry that your father reacted the way he did though. My parents wouldn’t have cared but they are dead,”} A comma after "did", and another after "though." A period after "dead."

{“My father practically disowning me it worth it if I get to have you,” she told her.} is worth it. Drop "she told her" - it's unnecessary (the sentence before the dialogue line would show that it's her speaking.)

{“Thank you for coming to the hospital and helping take care of me,”} I think "to" should be after "helping."

{“Oh I’m sorry honey. I didn’t mean to remind you of that,”} A comma after "Oh." A period after "that."

{“Not that I want to change the subject but do you want me to feed your dogs? I need to stop at my apartment anyway, get some clothes and feed my kitty,”} A comma after "subject", and another after "clothes."

{“If I’m not reminded of it I will be, but not entirely,” Bernadette answered.} I believe there should be a comma after "of it."

chapter. I still cant beleave this story only has me and 1 other person as a reviewer. You deserve more but i cant help with that. Sorry

You're improving on the dialogue, although a few parts have too many tags, and some lines that don't have them need a period at the end instead of a comma. I can suggest adding page breaks when transitioning from the scene with Helenette to the one with Bernadette (at the beginning of this chapter.) There were some word choice repetitions (smiled & replied are one of them.) Replace each one of them with a synonym. And also, there were parts that could be shown rather than told [ex: Helenette's feet bleeding - I got confused there, actually. It's like Helenette was wearing socks all along (was she?)]

Overall, good chapter. :-)

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Corrections/Feedback:

{Remembering everything tears came to Bernadette's eyes.} A comma after "everything."

{At first when Bernadette didn't answer Helenette thought she probably wasn't up yet and that she shouldn't be so impatient.} A comma after "At first", and another after "answer."

{After fifteen minutes passed, however she'd become thoroughly worried.} A comma after "however."

{Helenette took of.} off.

{"When they let you out of here I'll drive you home and you can take care of them," she told her.} I believe there should be a comma after "home."

{"Well at least the director proabably knows now," Bernadette replied.} A comma after "Well."

{"Yes I did. I had to see you after treating you how I did," Helenette argued.} I believe there should be a comma after "Yes." Omit "Helenette argued." There are too many tags during this part.

{"On the bright side you'll get some more time for yourself,"} I believe there should be a comma after "side." A period at the end.

{"By the way - the show was amazing you all did great jobs," Helenette told her.} A comma after "amazing." Omit "Helenette told her."

{"All the doctory said was that I should be free later today," Bernadette answered.} Is "doctory" correct?

{Smiling Bernadette replied,} A comma after "Smiling."

{I see it as a part of you and without it it'll be different,"} A comma before and after "and without it." A period after "different."

{She;ll need to be on her feet for fifteen minutes each day though so her muscles don't shut down.} She'll. A comma after "though."

{After she'd filled everything out that was needed and signed in the designated ares he and Helenette helped her into the wheelchair.} areas. A comma after "areas."

{By the time she'd gotten Bernadette into the seat, the chair in the trunk, and into the car herself Helenette's feet were cut and bleeding.} I believe there should be a comma after "herself."

{"Yes I was,"} A comma after "Yes."

one question. Why didnt she punch him or call security or something? or slap him or at least do something. I love this story but i must say that seems OOC for her. Still awsome and i cant wait to see what happens next

Whoa...I'm seeing a lot of drama happening in this chapter. It kind of went too fast in my opinion (especially at the end), but this was good. No major grammatical errors/typos. :-)

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Corrections/Feedback:

{Helenette was completely blown away by the entire performance but she paid special attention to Bernadette.} A comma after "performance."

{On Bernadette’s side of things a man just got too close to her for comfort.} For this part I can suggest showing that this happened (described the man's actions.) The same with the part where Helenette yells at Bernadette.

{She wanted to hug Madonna close to her and never let go.} Madonna? Isn't it Idina?

{“Where to?” she asked/} Drop "she asked." It's already established with the previous sentence that it's her speaking.

{“Oh you poor thing. I’m truly sorry this happened to you,” Idina said.} A comma after "Oh."

A good chapter, although there are some things that need to be worked on:

There are little to no details about the theater. Add some that would be necessary for the readers (the colors, sights, sounds, people, etc.)

Dialogue (Yes, I have to say it again):

When a character speaks more than one line, don't use two tags. For example: {"Of course," Helenette replied. "You won't notice I'm there," she promised.} - in this case, take out "she promised." It's unnecessary. The readers will know that it's her talking.

Again, some of the "tags" you added after the dialogue aren't tags. I only spotted some of them for you as examples.

I noticed that you're writing this still in first draft (correct me if I'm wrong.) It's okay to do that, but I can suggest reading over it and make any corrections before posting. There aren't major errors/typos, but it's helpful to polish it off first (especially the punctuation after some of the dialogue lines, and taking out unnecessary dialogue tags.)

Sara Tetris: That's all right. Don't worry about it. :-)

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Corrections/Feedback:

{"Two heartwrenching movies in one day - I'm not sure how much more I can take," she squeezed Helenette's hand gently.} "she squeezed" is not a dialogue tag. A period after "take."

{"I'm sure I will," Helenette replied, her tears soaking back up into her eyeballs.} "her tears soaking back up into her eyeballs" seems awkward. I can suggest rewording it to make the imagery stronger.

{She pulled out of the hug but kept her hand entwined with Helenette's.} A comma after "hug."

{"I care about you, too," she moved her other hand on top of Bernadette's.} "she moved" is not a dialogue tag.

{Bernadette fed her animals, got Helenette out of the apartment, then locked up.} If "animals" is intentional, you can leave it. But it actually refers to broad variety of them (like in a Zoo), outside the domestic category. I can suggest writing "pets" instead, but if you want to leave it as it is, then it's fine.

{Luckily they'd beaten traffic.} A comma after "Luckily."

{When Bernadette lead Helenette backstage people weren't so much wondering who she was as what had happened to her.} "lead" should be "led." I believe there should be a comma after "backstage."

{"You're girlfriend?" the musical director suggested jokingly.} "You're" should be "Your."

{Other than looking a bit surprised the group didn't react much.} A comma after "surprised."

{Helenette resisted the urge to slep them.} "slep" should be "slap."

{"Rose McGowan?" interesting guess.} "interesting guess" is not a tag. Reword it [ex: someone else guessed.] - or something like that.

{After that was finished and everyone had returned to what they were doing Bernadette found a small couch for Helenette to sit at.} A comma after "doing."

{The one to the right said 'Ididna'.} It's Idina. If the misspelling is intentional, then disregard this.

{"Oh, my cousin landed a small role. He invited me but I would've come to support him anyway," Idina answered.} I believe there should be a comma after "He invited me."

{"I really didn't expect to see you here. It's been a dream to meet all or one of you guys," she was referring to the Rent cast, of course.} "she was referring to the Rent cast, of course." could be dropped. I believe the readers can already infer that from the dialogue.

{"We're dating, actually," Helenette answered, felling completely at ease with this fact.} "felling" should be "feeling."

{"I would ask for a picture with you but you're not exactly camera-quality right now,"} A comma after "with you."

{They chatted for a bit longer then the show began.} A comma after "longer."

Yah sorry. I never have been good with human gender naming conventions. The A last letter usually is a indication of female though, my own chosen name being another example, so i appologize. Now to the review. Your story is great and has feeling and emotion and it is beleaveable that these two are real humans which is great. Keep up the good work. Im surprised only two people have reviewd you so far. more should soon i would say but i know how people are about reviewing. We all ask for them in our own stories but few of us return the favor. Such is human nature, oh well. Again great story i cant wait for more

I like the ending of this chapter. To me, it was adorable, and I like the conversation about RENT as well.

I hope to read more about Helenette's relationship with her parents in later chapters, especially with her father.

I noticed that "asked" and "answered" has been repeated a lot. I can suggest replacing some of them with a synonym. Also, there were a lot of dialogue tags, and some of the dialogue lines needed a period at the end.

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Corrections/Feedback:

{“You disgusting vile creature, get out of my house. Never come back. Don’t call, don’t write, and most importantly do not show up at your mother’s funeral. You’ve lost the privilege. Now get out of my sight,” he let go of her arm with so much force it sent Helenette hurling to the floor.} I believe there should be a comma after "importantly."

{Quickly, she scampered away and left the house. She sobbed and cried as she got to her car. She even drove back to the apartment building with her clouded vision. She drove almost as if she were drunk. She just couldn’t stop crying. Her father hated her. Her mother was dying and didn’t remember her while her father hated her. How could she not be allowed to go to her mother’s funeral? That was the cruelest out of all the things he’d said. She was family, she deserved to go.} I like the repetition "She" in some of the sentences. You don't have to do it, but I can suggest having them each in separate lines to make it more effective for the readers.

{When Helenette managed to park she stumbled her way into the building and through the lobby to the elevator.} A comma after "park."

{Contrary to her earlier thought, many things had happened that day that not ruined her happiness, but dampered it greatly.} "only" between "not" and "ruined."

{She pulled open the door and her heart dropped a bit at the sight of Helenette so distressed.} "at the sight of Helenette so distressed" could be reworded [ex: at the sight of a distressed Helenette.]

{“I made a huge mistake. When I saw my mom she didn’t remember my name or that I was her daughter or that she even had kids! That was bad enough and as I was getting ready to leave I thought since her memory was shot there’s be no harm in telling her that I’m bisexual. Huge mistake.} I believe there should be a comma after "remember my name", and another after "bad enough."

{“What’s worse is that she’ll be lucky to make it to next week. Oh I’m so stupid!”} A comma after "Oh."

{Silently a few minutes of their embrace passes.} A comma after "Silently."

{“I get there by six. I like to be early, warm up my voice and get into character and stuff,” Bernadette corrected.} A comma after "voice."

{Things were going pretty fast for only knowing each other a day and a half but they were comfortable with their speed.} A comma after "half."

{Holding each other close this went on for a while.} A comma after "close."

{Laughing Bernadette stood up.} A comma after "laughing."

{“Um, let’s see. . .I’ve met Anthony, wonderful guy, I still need to get his book though. I’ve met Tracie, actually first when she was just a fan and again when she became a celebrity. Didn’t change a bit. I’ve met Rosario, and she’s just mean. That’s it,” Bernadette answered.} A comma after "just a fan."

{“Very self-centered, very rude. I’m pretty bendable but that is one person I simply do not like,”} A comma after "bendable."