"I'm getting soft around (her),”

“I got (arrogant attached) to them.” - typo or missing word?

“…you objected to me (recruiting in) in the first place…” – awkward

“meeting his eyes with an artless stare.”
“His artless regard confused Ari.” – close repeats. Consider a synonym

“(They’ll) be time to talk more later.”

With regards to technical matters, this was a very clean chapter. Good work.

I enjoyed the dialect. This is something that is very difficult to render, but I think you’ve handled it very well.

Ari’s rant was very well executed. Great pace and flow. There’s a lot of information in these paragraphs beyond what is in the text.

You’ve done a great job of keeping the ball rolling here; it doesn’t feel like we’re ‘stopping to learn about Ari’. I’m glad the details of her past are finally coming to light, too. This chapter is a great blend of exposition and character development, and you even manage to add something to the growing romantic tension.

“Waiting there( ) in the small sterile room(,) took its toll on Ari.” – either one too many commas or one to few.

"Tense? No, see Longshot…” – I’d like to ‘see’ Longshot here.

“The nurse sidled up to him, (brazenly) reaching out…” – recent use. Consider a synonym

“She looks like a dog (stocking) prey.” – ‘stalking’ as in hunting?

“Ari held her tongue and…does she have to tease like that?” – I thought the paragraph break in here was a change of speaker. Also, the word ‘chorus’ didn’t feel right here.

“She looks awful, this couldn't have helped.” – Found this confusing. Do you mean Ari’s discomfort might have been avoided, or that Alpha would eventually find themselves in this situation?

“She could not look at the doctors(;) fixing her eyes on the wall above them.”- consider, “…doctors, instead fixing…”

“…dizziness (fussing) the edges of her (conscious).” – fuzzing? blurring or synonym, consciousness

“We, I, believe that all of you…” – consider hyphens instead of commas.

“…invasive nor particularly (uncomfortably)(.) It is definitely not painful(.) And there will be...” – uncomfortable, commas

“there was (genuineness) in Haeter's voice…” – word choice

There is a file management note at the end of this chapter you may wish to erase

Good move on Haeter’s part. I knew immediately he would be the one to attend to her, but it was thoughtful of him to not to draw attention to her. Out of curiosity, are the other doctors male or female? It occurs to me that she may be the only woman in the room at this point.

There isn’t much I can say that I haven’t already. You continue to demonstrate a deep understanding of your characters and an eye for detail. I’m starting to get a better impression of Acer’s character, but I would still like to find out more about the other members of Alpha.

I’m beginning to doubt all the assumptions I’ve made about the Madness. To this point I believed it was a combination of a faulty system, corrupt officers, and typical human malignance, but there is obviously more to it.

Responsibility is a little awkward. Consider making the individual the subject of the sentence rather than correction. “An individual may only be held…”

“…about correcting (what is wrong).” – this sounds out of beat to me, too casual perhaps. Consider something more in line with your milieu, a more legal or military phrasing.

“Roque glared at the empty platform( )” – missing punctuation

“…something resembling attention.” – this is an indistinct image. Many of your readers may not fully appreciate what attention is (particular pose, eyes locked forward, silence and stillness, exact spacing between individuals…) I realize television and film have made this somewhat common knowledge, but maybe take a moment to tell us how they’ve improved and where they’re still too ‘at ease’

“...Alpha squad boomed( ) "Understood sir!" ” – comma

“The list seemed to for on a long time…” – this is a good image, especially paired with Mavery’s ill temper about it. Do you think you could write out the word seemed? It gives me the sense that the list only appears long, when it would appear that it is really rather lengthy.

“Alpha squad's apprehension…expected such leniency.” – couple things here. First, this paragraph seems to contradict itself. Wouldn’t Mavery being angry already only increase the odds of them receiving stripes? It sounds like it’s making it less likely. Also, I thought it would be “lenience” in this context, but the definitions for either make them appear interchangeable. Go with your gut on this one.

“…their consequences( ) both good and bad( )…” – commas

“Front and center( ) Alpha squad! On the platform please.” – comma. Also, would he need to qualify his command with ‘on the platform’ for Alpha’s sake, or is this for the reader’s sake? Unless this is a new/disused command, I assume Alpha would know where front and centre would put them. If it is for the reader’s benefit, consider integrating it into Alpha’s response instead of Mavery’s command.

“…Mavery could see a gleeful, almost mercenary look in Niadin's eye.” – good image. Gives me a very solid impression of Niadin’s character

Note: ‘Sharp’ and ‘glare’ are used heavily in this chapter. Consider synonyms for a few occurrences.

“You failed to appropriately sign out…”
“…return the tool kits you used to the appropriate tool bays…” – these occurrences of ‘appropriate’ are within 3 para. Consider a synonym. Alternatively, you could get away without the first occurrence.

“He did not hide the disappointment in his voice.” – this line really gives context to Mavery’s “dumb-** move” comment later. Without it, he would come across as berating, but as he is only disappointed and not angry, it’s easier to see that he’s just ‘busting their balls’ so to speak. It shows that he’s not just their commander and they aren’t just fodder to him; he sees people when he looks at them.

Note: when ending a dialogue sentence with by addressing the listener (that is, with their name or title) it should be separated by a comma. Ex: “Yes( ) sir. You are correct( ) sir. I will submit myself to your discipline( ) sir.”

“Quickly Acer, Longshot( ) and Freeman…” – comma. Also, consider moving ‘quickly’ to after the list of names, otherwise, you would need a comma after ‘quickly’, too, which would make it look like part of the list. The sentence that follows also opens with the adverb “silently” and some people may snag on the rapid repetition of the format. “silently” will need a comma, too.

“Roque and that little ** were doing ship work too.” – This is the first sign of tension I’ve seen within Alpha squad, so it really caught me off-guard. Is this characteristic of Acer, or is there more of a problem with Ari’s preferential treatment than it seems? Either way, you may want to build to this some more so it doesn’t come as a surprise here.

“They should be here( ) too!” - comma

“Ari( ) too( ) warred with mixed feelings…” – commas

“You do( ) however( ) have an appointment…” – commas

“…when they arrived(,) good, I was counting…” – new sentence

“This shouldn't bother me so much. (You know.) It's really not that bad.” – I couldn’t find a way to say this sentence aloud. Is it more like, “shouldn’t bother me so much, you know?” or, “you know, it’s not really that bad.” As its own sentence, ‘you know’ is out of place.

“I am( ) too. But it feels pretty lousy( ) too, doesn't it?” – commas

“I guess the last turn with you...” “with Alpha” – I thought this was clever. I missed it consciously on the first two passes. I think you’ve done a great job of keeping the romantic tension subtle, so subtle I thought I was imagining it at first, but reading it again, I started noticing the little things.

“…we can count( ) every one of us.” – comma

“Even though Acer would never admit it…” – hmm… has there been more allusion to Acer’s attitude towards Ari and I’ve just missed it?

“what does that look mean?” – hehehe… great use of repetition. I get all anxious seeing two characters circle each other like this.

“…those (thing) I'm guessing your father told you…” – things. Also, you may want to keep Roque out of the loop about her father (whoever said those things to you) or give him reason to be in the know altogether (her father was in her command line, known for a heavy hand with his subordinates…) As it is, I feel like you haven’t differentiated between what Roque knows and his experiences and what Ari knows and her experiences, but just drawn on your all-encompassing knowledge of their lives.

-

On the subject of the rank capitalization dilemma, Colonel should be upper case, no exceptions. Pilot I’m having a harder time pinning down. You may want to consider it an ‘informal’ rank, a slang tern rather than the official title. This would bypass the need for debate about it’s capitalization, but it would also mean that you will need a formal rank for use during official matters.

This comes across as a building chapter. Lots of character development, but the little action there is seems to be there strictly to build both on the characters and the coming events. It's a moment to breathe after the high-tension flight test and debriefing.

Genuinely hadn’t expected any romance in Firefly, but I guess it’s something you just can’t fight. People want to see people in love and, as much as I wouldn’t ever admit it out loud, I’m no exception. It gives a new dimension to an already engrossing plot.

I smell trouble from Niadin…

The chapters thus far are very well written. I noticed a few small typos, but nothing serious that interrupted the flow of things. The structure of the military environment is very precise and realistic; you must have done extensive research to have it pinned down so well. Your dialogue is also well-structured and believable; for instance, a Colonel speaks like one and members of the same squad speak a bit more informally to one another, as it should be. Your story so far has a great cohesiveness and excellent character depth and I can't wait to read more.

To be honest, the story isn't exactly gripping. It's a good plot, with good characters, but I'm finding it really hard to stay interested. I think one of the biggest problems, as mentioned before, is the blocky and slightly unorganized paragraphs. It also needs some very serious editing when it comes to grammar and punctuation.

I really liked the game. It was interesting, creative and easily to follow. And I really like your characters. I think you should definitely search for a good beta and get it edited - with some work, this story could be something really amazing :)

I think Ari is my favorite character. I don't why why, but I really like her.

Anyway, you shouldn't be so afraid to use 'so-and-so said' instead of 'so-and-so muttered' or 'so-and-so replied' or... you get the idea. Primary schools teach you not to overuse said, but most good high schools will teach you not to underuse it either.

I really liked the last line. I think ti summed up everything nicely, and made it more of a cliffhanger, leaving the reader wanting to know what will happen next and how it will be handled. Which is a good thing!

Haeter really is an unfortunate name =3 It is pronounced the same as 'Hater'?

I really don't like your spelling of 'attention.' I know that when somone shouts it, that it sounds like 'Ten-shun,' but if you wrote everything how it sounded then you'd have to write accents, minor speech impediments, etc, as onomatopoeia, and that would get tedious to read and write.

Also, emphasis works better with italics. Upper case to show shouting is just annoying. Exclamation marks and 'he shouted' work better instead.

'"YES SIR." boomed the Alpha ' should be '"YES SIR," boomed to Alpha.

'"Yes sir." came a weak unison...' should be '"Yes sir," came a weak unison...'

'"Yes sir," her voice was becoming strained.' should be '"Yes sir." Her voice was becoming strained.'

etc.

It looks like you've done a lot of research, which really makes the story realistic. Great work!

you have a few paragraphing issues that make it a little difficult to tell who exactly is doing what, and some of your sentences don't flowe as well as they could (ie, '...You'd be worth having on squad for your java alone!" He teased good-naturedly...' Something about this line is awkward. I'm not sure if it's the fact that 'good-naturedly' is redundant, but if I think if you took out the word 'good-naturedly' completely, or replaced it with 'in good nature' it would sound a lot better. I don't even think good-naturedly is a word :p)

Also, remember to put a comma before adressing somone. for example 'Thank you sir' should be 'Thank you, sir' and 'hello Bob' would be 'hello, Bob.' At least, I'm pretty sure that's how it should be. lol.

I really like your main character, despite how difficult it is to pronounce his name. In fact, I like nearly all of your character's names. They're the kind of names you'll remember, without being over the top or ridiculous.

"While ( ) practice was not regulation..." do you mean this/the practice, or practicing as in training?

"...flying and shooting with (pin point) precision." pin point - one word

"Pilots could always (expect) at least several unexpected..." consider: anticipate

" "Mark." And the fliers were off.[br]Mavery scowled at the screens." hmm... does an Alpha member say mark here? I wasn't sure about the 'joke' Mavery was referring to.

"...him trying to discern what was going( )." missing word - on

"He grinned to himself( ) (that) was a damn good game last night. The rematch'll be something!" missing period; 'that' is not italicized

"Mavery welcomed them, his voice carefully (with holding) (clues) of approval." with holding - one word; consider a synonym for clues, as Pogo uses this word in his internal dialog in the following line.

"...on the other(,) side( ) six smaller views appeared, one following each flier." misplaced comma

"He played it through without comments."
"Mavery commented as the first play of the Records concluded."
"Admiral, you comments first please," consider a synonym for one or two of these. I would suggest changing the first, as it is the only one that breaks the flow of its parent sentence at all. the other two read smoothly, but they occur too close together in the text.

"I was the first one in and my flight was perfect(. )." stray period/space

"...we can switch plans or take over (from) one another." for?


So you didn't have ANY of this test flight play out? Just a blip of narrative an on to the debriefing? I must say, this chapter would suffer for the lack of it! Once again, you offer enough detail without overstepping it, leaving room for the reader's imagination to fill in the blanks. Tension is strong, Mavery's reactions a good juxtapose, the flight jargon solid.

I can't say any less of the debriefing itself. They may enter the meeting with calm confidence, but their thunder is stolen with a simple "but there is much to discuss." funny how a few words can totally change the tone of a situation. The fact that their innovations are overlooked doesn't come as a surprise to me, personally; if only everyone took the pride in their work and put the effort in that Alpha has, it might not have gone unnoticed. This is some great subtext as to just how slack practices have become within the fleet.

I think it speaks volumes to the strengths of Alpha's team that they have gone to such lengths to better themselves and their vessels. This whole chapter showed how well they work together as a team, both during the flight test and the debriefing.

"They had played hard the night before and (how) they were paying for it..." typo - now

"(.)I know she's stalling (her)." stray period; typo? - here

"...without accusation or reproach( ) struck him more powerfully." think a comma here would help the flow here. alternatively, consider a self-interruption, with a hyphen here and "...words were(,) the simple statement..." here. It would make this thought easier to distinguish from the main thought

"I'm usually better (and) keeping things to myself." word choice - at

"...hers trembled harder harder now." double word OR missing word - and

"How (to) I get out of this?" word choice - do. Alternatively, you could omit "I" and preserve the flow of the sentence

"I'd be dead certain she was playing ( ) for a fool." missing word?

"Dumbly she nodded, loosing her words in her distress." typo - losing

"You really won( )t be much help to them today if I don't." missing apostrophe

"(I) means a lot to me." typo - it

"But don't hesitate to come back in (a) seek me out..." and? or?


Some good exposition here. You're building well on Ari's family history, still not giving us everything but enough that your sharper readers are already convinced they've pieced it together.

I found one section a little confusing. It could be that I shouldn't've flown out of bed and eagerly into your story, but I got a little lost between the paragraph that opens "Haeter waited patiently..." and the one that opens "Excuse me child?" six paragraphs later. Is he merely talking about the bruises, or does he perceive some other medical distress in her?

Ari seems like a very intuitive woman, very sensitive to the things others don't say.

I'm already seeing growth and refinement in your use of multiple viewpoints. While it was easy for me to follow right from the start, it is already starting to become more natural. It's also possible that I'm just becoming more familiar with your character's individual voices and therefore picking out whose thoughts and eyes are whose from the dialog alone. Either way, kudos.

I am greatly impressed with the amount of creativity you have put into it. Firefly is surely constructed (or should I say, written?) with the air force in mind, and I personally think that you have undergone a rigorous research on this one so that the details will be accurate. I didn’t notice any mistake, and if I do, I’m not really sure if it is. Just take this sentence for example: “Late that afternoon the squads of the Third Fleet were called to Assembly.” I think ‘late’ should be “later”. Well, that’s just my personal opinion, because when you also come to think of it, “late” is also applicable. Anyway, I’m utterly sorry for the last review I gave you. I was too immersed in reading your story that I forgot that the Review Game has its’ own and diverse rules. In case this review is another mistake, could you help me or lecture me how to give the right review?

A very good chapter, the story had gotten me interested in the sci-fi genre, so thank you.
The characters were very beleivable, i especially loved Ari's phobia of doctors as the phobia was beleivable with th reason you gave and yet i still had the urge to find out more. The dialogue was also good, although i couldn't quite imagine how col. Mavey spoke, he was the only character that seemed forced and shallow in terms of reasons and belief, for example, i didn't really feel that he was truly sorry about what he did to Ari.
The scene the entire chapter was set in was good for me. It fit in with the genre of sci-fi and to be honest i could fully imagine it in my head, so thankyou for that.Your grammer and spelling was almost immaculate, and that made it a joy to read, however a small sentence at the start stuck out
"Roque's instinctively turn toward her door, to check that she was all right, but Freeman laid his hand on Roque's arm to stop him"
In this sentance you said 'Rouque's instinctivly...' which didn't work, as it wasn't a possesion of his. Just my two cents. I'm from the RG.

Well this has an interesting look into it. I'll read the next chapters soon, if I've got time! =)

"I suppose it's a good sign that he didn't openly oppose me to my face." reads a little awkward. i think 'to my face' is where i snag.

"...you're dragging up what you can even if it doesn't merit stripes..." consider starting a new sentence at 'even'. i think it would help to smooth this rather lengthy sentence out.

"...any issues making their team run(.). Given that the ship runs on gossip(,), you..." two examples of stray punctuation.

"I don't know (ho wshe) got in..."

"Truthfully,( )I did intend to bruise, but(,) I..." missing space and a comma splice

"Feels good to get that off my chest. Damn(..)" ellipsis short a dot, or stray period?

"While i(t)t isn't Madness either..."

"...for what you inflicted.(.) Those pain meds..." stray period

"And in (you) application of Discipline..." your?

"Haeter glared angrily( ) I've seen this" missing period

"Not on my watch.( .) "Bottom line here..." stray space/period

This is an interesting and difficult scenario to write - two obviously dominant personality types in conflict but fighting for the same things - and you have handled it beautifully. They both flex their muscles and make their intentions clear, but they part as equals still, regardless of rank. this is one more example of your strong sense of your characters and your ability to show them to the reader.

x

"Ari stood in the dressing room( ), rushing into her..." stray space

"...willing to play with (then)." them?

"...not to become short with (her lack on) the playing field." feels like there are some words missing in here.

"...cross and grumpy, (helping) her resent the game even more." word choice - helping is an innately positive image and seems to clash with her present feelings.

"...didn't meet reg's. By then it..." regs (no apostrophe) is an accepted abbreviation of regulations.

"A red streak cam flying from one..." came?

"...her feeling more aggressive( ) She threw herself..." missing period

"... out after all (tongiht)." typo. also, consider: 'tonight, after all.'

"The officers grinned like young boys at each other relishing the abandoned excitement of the moment." consider: "...grinned at each other like young boys, relishing the excited abandon of the moment."

"...that (on) one had kept up with the score." typo

Great build on the game - it's both innovative and familiar, easy to follow but certainly not mundane. I especially like the twist the orange ball adds and I hope you'll exploit this more in the rematch. You write the play well, making it very easy to visualize the game. I think this a great moment of relief in what has hitherto been a very tense story.

I continue to be impressed with your use of language - a great balance of description with character portraits sprinkled in rather than dumped as many unpublished authors do. Your use of adjectives and adverbs is also well-balanced, not so abundant as to distract and well-placed when they are used.

My greatest disappointment is that I have to wait for chapter 5 :( i was right into the story! I hope my comments thus far have been helpful, and i eagerly await your next update.

"Haeter brindled, shuffling through the crowded room to her side." couldn't find a definition for "brindle" as a verb.

"This (si) going to get complicated fast."

"(Haeter) pale blue eyes narrowed severely." missing possessive

"(Her's) was not the first phobia he had ever dealt with..." while 'hers' is obviously possessive here, it is an exception to the apostrophe rule

"...don't get startled, (allright)?" stray L

"There is no need (to) her to feel those any longer." for?

"Noted," (Mavey) replied levelly."

"(HOw) could I have forgotten that!" stray capital

"But would ( ) have mattered today?" missing word

"Attention fell to Roque who looked to Ari and (whipsered)." spelling error


The doctor is very well written. I get a distinct impression of him very quickly, and you only add to it throughout his presence in the scene. On top of that, Ari doesn't just relax into him without reason; he is unerringly reassuring, warning her before he does anything that might distress or hurt her. He does his job well, both as a doctor and a human being, and i shared Mavery's instant liking for the fellow. Is his name intended as an irony? I'm assuming it's pronnouced "Hater", and i'm the first to appreciate a well misnamed character.

After the passing mention of the game in Ch. 2, i was curious to find out what it would be and worried i might have to wait a good bit longer. I think it's a good end to this chapter - gives the reader something to look forward to - and i think it's going to be nice to see the squad in a fun and less formal situation.

also like the use of "easy" as a colloquiallism for "better". it's different, but still in context enough that the reader can easily assimilate the new meaning.