Love the opening line, that image of the night melting away is beautiful. Should it be Flame’s/ flames' though? a couple of other bits that could flow better for me were:

“A mournful cry of a siren” The mournful cry of a siren?

“in the distance wailed closer,” I find having both ‘in the
distance’ and ‘closer’ a little redundant? i'd consider just having closer, and maybe adding some kind of quiet/soft adjective to teh siren to imply distance without having to say it?

3rd sentence/para: lovely description, but for me a little heavy handed. Eg “eras” seemed a bit too long a period of time, it just stretched my belief of the world you’re creating a little too much. Also later: “angel of death flies murderously past me.” I like the concept of the angel of death, but I think adding ‘murderously’ to it overdoes it a bit.

4th para: I quite like long sentences, but even so, I found this one a bit exhausting. Was that your intention , to parallel the overload felt by the narrator?

“For moments upon end the battle dominates the world” If I were being a stickler for the rules, I’d say this is an odd present tense sentence in a string of past tense ones. I’m not a stickler: I can see that using present tense there could help give a sense of the timelessness of the battle. Yeah, not sure if it is more distracting or more interesting though.

“sharply reflecting my fear” Love that concept; the flash of the silver nicely parallels a flash of cold hard fear.

“He sits. Says nothing, eyes warily glancing at me.” Loved the choppy format here. Builds tension well. Which is a perfect build up to the awesome/ chilling last lines! Thanks for a great read!

Nice beginning. :) But you seem to be stumbling around in the middle, trying to find the right words. I liked the way you personified the flames...the descriptions are very nicely painted, albeit a bit wordy. :D

Still, a good job over all. Try to be a little more precise in your next chapters.

Looking forward to more!

~ Misty Elizabeth.

Although your wording is quite smooth throughout the paragraphs, sometimes the flow of your chapter is interrupted by weird wording or fragmented sentences e.g 'sensation overload'. Try developing it a bit more in your next chapter.

This is very powerful. You've described the scene brilliantly, and it really builds up to the end, where you know something bad is going to happen, but you still get a kick in the teeth when you read it.

However, it's a little short and, although the description sucks the reader in enough for the shortness not to make that big of an impact, it could still be developed a little more.

This story is incredible! I can't wait for an update from you!

Its brill-aint. x

Awe. That was gorgeous. The personification of the flames, the warrior firefighters, the angel of death police officer. My heart almost broke at the last two lines.

It wasn't long, but it conveyed all the emotions needed to mourn who he lost in the fire, and we don't know anything about them or him.

Amazing. Will there be more?

-Maggie