I find your description quite interesting. It runs smoothly and flows well within the story. Your paragraphing, also, is well-structured.

However, I feel that you need to work a little on your punctuation - particularly your commas. For example:

'"Um excuse me?" there was a long pause...' - This should be: '"Um, excuse me?" There was a long pause...'.

Also, remember that a period is only needed at the end of a sentence. '"...such a state." He said' should be '"...such a state," he said'.

All in all, your work is good. I found the read enjoyable and interesting.

Good day to you

Wow, this guy is both creepy and hot at the same time. x). I don't know whether I like him or not. On one hand, he obviously cares for Raven deeply and loves her. On the other hand, he just seems as somewhat of a creepy stalker. But I can tell you this; I definitely love Criss. He seems really compelling & a unique personality. Good job!

-B. Cross

P.S. Could you please payback these 3 reviews via Rise From The Ashes? Thank you SO much! :D

Wow, who is this guy? I like him though, a lot. He seems dark, mysterious & sexy. ;). I like how you described how eerily he came behind Raven & the whole suspense of the situation. Very good job!

-B. Cross

That was a cute chapter. ]. I like the ending, with the memory & Axel. Really good. I didn't see anything that majorly bugged me or popped out at me, so good job!

-B. Cross

That was a good intro. :). Raven seems like a really cool girl & I can't wait to see how she develops. And her dreams was very creepy & haunting. It obviously is foreshadowing something & it's bugging me (as in I wanna read more) Seriously, great job!

Alexis

P.S. Could you please payback via Ace Of Spades? Thanks. :3.

Herro there from The Roadhouse. :) Okay, basically, this is an interesting start to the story in a sense that you chose to kickstart the story via a mundane scene during which you've input snippets of what might be happening next. Raven seems like an interesting character as well in a sense that her nature was rather unique if the reader was to look at it from the viewpoint of normal social norms in human beings. ;) As for the dream, well I guess it's a no-brainer that it will be the focal point of the plot. :) And obviously the SMS only served to hieghten this part. Anyway, I'll have to go off now. Got to review other people here as well. :)

P.S: Pay back via The eternal Grail. :)

-From The Roadhouse. :)

Great dream description! Raven seems like a pretty interesting and likeable character too, so great work on that! Interesting start... some lines are a little repetitive, using 'she' a bit too much, making lists of actions she does, but that can be easily fixed. All in all, great start - I want to read more! Luke

A little confused here - so the flashback type of thing is just Raven imagining, or a memory? It wasn't completely clear.

To me, Criss seems like the most interesting character so far. I'm really curious to learn more about his past, motives, etc. But then again, I'm a total sucker (no pun intended) for baddies, so that might explain it.

I'd love to read more of this, please update soon!

The point of view changes are a little too abrupt in this. I think it would be better if you designated a change by putting a linebreak or something to clue the reader in that it was from someone new's perspective.

There were a few grammatical/spelling errors that jumped out at me, like: "He hit my hand against my forehead and transformed again." There were also numerous tense changes towards the end of the chapter, so watch out for that!

Since her brother has appeared several times now, I'd love to see a physical description of him, because I have no idea how to imagine him. I may have missed a description though, in which case, I'm so sorry!

This story is still very intriguing and I'm incredibly interested in seeing how everything ties in in the end. Switching between numerous points of view also makes the story more varied and interesting although, like I said, it's a little too abrupt. A great read, above all!

This is very well written - I like your straightforward, descriptive style, and I didn't notice any conventional errors, which is great. You did a great job of setting a creepy mood, and it stayed consistently interesting, even though most of the time she wasn't directly interacting with anyone.

I do worry that Raven seems a little cliche. I mean, the name coupled with her style and her don't-give-a-damn-attitude - it seems pretty typical. But I've barely seen what she's like so far, so I'm hoping you reveal some more aspects of her personality that are more unique!

Very interesting chapter! Really enjoyable. Again, I would like a bit more description and explanation to some little things, but it was great. Well done.

Nice beginning. I really loved the creepy feel of something about to happen that you've set up here. I loved how you weren't afraid to use real life items (like the Batman backpack, the Nightmare Before Christmas clock). I felt like that gave the scenes some great reality. Great job there!

Just a couple of notes: I felt like some things were a little repetitive. Like the scene where she's looking at her dresser.

Also, I would've like more examples of certain things...like why does she consider her brother pesky?

Anyway, a very interesting start. I loved the dream sequence (I'm a fan of those!). Off to the next chapter!

Well this is an interesting story. Only a few comlaints though, a few scenes have a she did this. then this. then this. Sortave feel. Especially where the cat was there. But youre description of the dream was creepy and cool:P I love her car though:D I liked youre descriptions of the characters as well. I found it kinda funny she had a nightmare before christmas alarm clock and then hello kitty slippers:P

Pay it back to Eden if you wanna. Dont have to if ya dont:P

Vampires are the best! yupp. Lovely chapter very nice, it was good how she was biting on his skin too. normally its the other way around ni allot of them storys. :DD