This was really good. :D

“His hair as read and fiery as if to” - I think you meant ’Red.’ There was a few other typos and errors, but nothing too serious.

I really liked your use of metaphor in this story, especially lines like: “And when he walked by Kirana in the hall her breath left her like it never wanted to return.” It has a lightness to it, where it doesn’t feel forced on the reader, yet it makes perfect since, and the reader can feel it very deeply.

When I first sat down to write this review I was going to tell you that the first part with Gemi had nothing to do with the rest of the story, but then it came to me, that Mr. October was the person that he saw coming out of the volcano. I get what you did, although I had to think about it. And don’t get me wrong it was clever, and it adds a rich air of mystery to his characterisation, but you might want to make the connection a little stronger, just so other readers will understand thoroughly. I enjoyed your story though, keep up the good work.

Much love,

Juliet.