that **

this is a great story and I really like it!! what a cliff hanger!! can't wait until the next chapter! -Kayla

Hey there Pinky,

Okay, I'm up to C2 so far and thought I'd give you my thoughts.

Things that work well about this story:

1. You have a well-imagined opening at a really pivotal moment in a girl's life, which instantly places the reader at the beginning of an interesting narrative journey.
2. We're then treated to a really dramatic and unexpected turn of events in the second chapter, which I genuinely didn't see coming. The implied incest/rape and the murder are both truly shocking and vividly written.
3. We meet the characters through action and dialogue rather than through pages of description, which is great. It definitely makes it easier to get to know the characters and rapidly get to care about them.

Things that could do with some work:

1. Historical detail. If you're going to set this in England, and at a time where girls had coming-out balls (which, incidentally, is a period of about two hundred and fifty years!), you need to adapt accordingly. I'd pick a certain place in a certain year, research it a bit, and then use what you learn. One example of what I mean; the names you've chosen for your characters are very modern (and "Destiny" in particular is extremely American). There may have been a couple of Danielles and Destinys somewhere in England during the period, but they do feel incongruous and break the conceit of the historical setting. Similarly, there is simply no way that a girl would dress in red at her coming-out ball. The traditional colour was white; pastels would also have been appropriate, but never red.

2. Mindset of your characters. While I think it's great to have an independent-minded woman as a heroine, if she married a rich man she wouldn't become his "waitress" - she would have had servants! Similarly, while she would absolutely have craved "education", she probably wouldn't have craved "rights" - since this generally wasn't a concept that was current until at least the Industrial Revolution. This possibly comes back to historical context, and again my advice would be to pick a time, learn about it and stick with it.

3. I know you already know that your grammar, punctuation etc isn't perfect, and good for you for admitting it - but errors are disruptive for the reader, and stop us appreciating your work properly. A good Beta reader will help out here. We all have weaknesses, it's more than okay to get someone to help you fix them.

I hope all of this helps, and I'm looking forward to reading more...

Kitty

More more more!

Hope you're over the flu! My whole family had it, too and it's no fun. At least you got to write a little racy scene to make you feel better. :) It was well done, you should be proud!

Since you asked me I do feel the need to be honest and tell you that switching from 3rd person to 1st person w/out re-writing the entire story is a little strange. It felt disjointed and rushed. I'm afraid that things like this just didn't happen back then - men and women did not even kiss before marriage, let alone have oral sex and swim together. I know, it's just a story but if you're going for historical acuracy it's pretty far off. One other thing I noticed was that Destiny seems to flip flop a lot about wanting a husband. First she doesn't then she does, then she doesn't then she does. I think it would serve your story better if you had her fight her feelings a little bit, wondering how she can be a feminist and still love a man - but then be sure to allow Nicolai(sp?) to respect her wishes to be educated and an equal partner. That would be a nice plot line.

Of course, if you don't care about acuracy then write away!! The racy scene was good and I'm sure most FP readers would agree, we do like a good racy scene. :)

Hopefully I haven't hurt your feelings. I'm not trying to, honestly. It's just that I think your story has the bare bones of something that could be good, you just need to put a little more thought and editing into it.

I think you have a good idea for a plot here, it just needs a little work to be better executed. I know at the beginning you asked to be lenient on your grammar errors but there are quite a few. I think if you re-read it very carefully with a critical eye you could find them, I don't want to be the big meanie who points them all out.

I don't think your story-line for what happened to Destiny is a bad direction to go in, it sounds like a terrible thing to have happened and I'm sure it affected her in many tragic ways. The scene seems a little...stiff, somehow. Maybe you could try describing things more - facial expressions, the scenery, the anquish their feeling. I don't know, something was a little off.

Destiny seems like a fiery creature and hopefully will find something who can cope with her 'new age' thinking! I always like the idea of women who aren't looking for a man and have someone thrust upon them who they inevitably end up falling for. :)

That said, a few suggestions that I have are to pay attention to the time frame that you're writing about. Unfortuantely while it always seems like a good idea to write historical romance it really takes a lot of work to make it seem authentic. They would not have said things like "shut up" or "sweetie" or even "mom and dad" for that matter. Just a thought, and I don't think it takes away terribly from your story, it's just that historical anachronisms make these types of stories not seem authentic.

Ok, will go read the rest. :)

ahh what a cliff-hanger! haha this is a really good story! I love it a lot! can't wait til next chapter. :) -Kayla

this is really good! I like her already. :) equal rights all the way. :D -Kayla

You had some good description in the beginning with the ball. There were lots of tantalizing clues about her uncle (ick), and Nicolai. It was an abrupt kiss, but it seems as if the main characters are both wounded. The last line was intriguing. I look forward to you fleshing it out more. Oh, and I hope you feel better. I can't believe you finished this story while you were recuperating. Sounds like you love the craft. Take care.

I see several things, all extremely hard for new writers. When Destiny's father orders her to take his dress off... I want you to show us what they are both feeling. *Show* us. Like: "Daniel Surname's eyes are wild. He's licking his thick lips and he's fumbling with his own fly. All he can hear is the booming thump of his own heart, not the faint whimpers of his daughter. He needed release. Damn that wife of his and her selfish dedication to purity."

What are the images I evoked? The man's crazy, horny and anxious to get out of his pants. Why? His wife doesn't seem to want to be with him.

Now switch the perspective...Show us what Destiny feels, instead of telling us she has no choice. Destiny's eyes are wide, as her baby blues slip down to watch her father's sausage fingers shake as they tug down his trousers. (I'm assuming from the blood this is the first time...) She slammed her eyes shut when he began to shove his pants down, straining to turn her head away.

"Damn it, Destiny. Do as I say!"

The sting of the slap brought her back to this nightmare. "No, Daddy. Please."

He claws at her buttons, popping them off. He doesn't hear her scream...

Your scene is very exciting. But you need to put us there. Evoke all of our senses to make the scene come alive. The smells? Where are they? In the living room where "Destiny could smell fresh cut roses, usually they were her favorite, but now they sickened her."

The sights? Butterscotch poured in through the window, the promise of morning. A long morning for Destiny.

The sounds? Her mother's footsteps toward them. Oh, mother! Help me, she screams in her head for no one to hear.

The taste and touch? Her father's hot tongue, making her gag. His whiskers scratching her fine porcelain face.

Show us how they feel *without* saying obvious words like fear, anger, horror. How does fear express itself? Trembling. Inability to shout out.

Anger? His face is red and he's bulging at the neck.

Give us some back story...is this the first time he's touched her? If this isn't, hint at those horrors to make us care about Destiny. It will also make us hate her father. Hint at why his wife doesn't like to do it.

When he's bleeding show us the wounds. His white shirt was red. He held his hand upright, a stream of blood flowing down to drip drip drip on his leather shoe. The blooded knife glistened as he turned his attention to Destiny... Why Destiny and not Danielle? (Not a question you have to answer right now, but you can hint at it maybe. Maybe there's a subplot between those two.)

Danielle doesn't seemed frightened of her sister bloodied. Why not?

This is a very challenging scene and it may take you several editing sessions of writing through each character's perspective.

I'd recommend the character development book by Orson Scott Card. He talks about how to build characters in easy to understand lingo, if your serious about your craft. Judging from this intense scene, I'd say you are.

I think you did a good job setting up the plot. Destiny doesn't want to do what she's been told that she must, but in the back of her mind she knows marriage to an older man is looming. I agree with the first reviewer that you've added some tantalizing clues for us. Her feisty will be interesting to see play out in a world where females are supposed to be demure. Her mother's death. An older sister who likes the power over her. I look forward to finding more about why Destiny is the way she is and how she got that way. I look forward to hearing about her mother. I especially look forward to meeting her future love interest. Good job. Oh, and try not to worry about reviews. You have to find a story inside of yourself that you can't help but get out because YOU want and need to do it. The reviews will come. Your fans just have to find you.

A wonderful start to what I'm sure will be an intriguing story! =)

And look at that, I'm the first to review! Woo! That's always fun, and it's always fun getting your first review to a story. xD

Anyways, I'm looking forward to reading forward. I like the little details you've thrown in; I know the main character is "coming out" and that she's been raised by her older sister since her mother was murdered. I'm eager to know more about this girl, and what happened to her mother, and why she dreams of love and romance when so many young woman have resolved themselves to "the facts of life".

Please continue.