haha shit. if teenagers really do act like this - the world is fucked.

i mean, i guess they're in their teens, you can let it slide. but they're gonna grow up one day and learn that swearing, while it looks cool when you're a teen cuz it makes you look cool or tough or sarcastic or snarky - it's so uncouth and trashy. ughh.

For a two-shot the storyline was very rushed.

Reading your first one shot and this one, I can guess that you're pretty young. Having a 12/15 year old character in these kinds of situation is a little disturbing to read about.

And 15 year olds definitely do not fall in any sort of love in 5 days, nor does a 15 year old boy go from his first kiss to getting ready to have sex in a matter of days.

So many things in your story are /way/ too unrealistic. You also need to work on your actual writing (syntax and all that fun stuff).

Loved the two-shot (: I want the sequel!! xD

[But no one cared about her, this girl who sat alone in the corner, wearing all black everyday, writing in that little black notebook.]

Impression: Typical emo girl. Gag.

[My friends say I'm the walking definition of determination, and I guess that's true.]

Impression: Funny guy, confidence comes off as arrogance.

[“Fuck off, will ya?” Hailey Gibson told the band that had just played some freaking awesome music onstage. She’d followed them for a while now, but now that these idiots recognized her from school and were giving her some crazy shit, she didn’t think she would anymore. I just wish people like them would go to hell and never come back, she though hopelessly. Like they would get a record deal with their attitude to people.]

Okay - is she bipolar? She just admitted they played freaking awesome music and then she tells them to fuck off and she wants them to go to hell.

Okay. Sorry. I can't read this anymore. I've read a ton of stories with angry girls as their main character... but Hailey... I don't know. She's angry for no reason. Swears at people and gets mad when they swear at her... she's just... walking contradictions. @_@