my favourite chapter is nine. i don't know why, but it is.
and god, what a shithead of a(n) (ex)boyfriend.
elias is my favourite.
does the baby yet have a name?
keep updating please, i can't wait to read the rest.

aww!

i love how so much happens in your chapters, but it doesn't feel rushed.

hehe. while i don't like the mother, that line was classic.

Whoa! You just updated right after I sent my last review! XD

It's so sad, but realistic in my opinion.

Very good so far. I like the imagery and the realism of the conflict. :-)

And I'm sad that you didn't continue your nano novel. D:

I loved this chapter the most in the original too. It's probably my favorite. :)

I really love this story...it's so beautiful, and it discusses things people sometimes do actually have to go through.

The emotion is so raw and wonderfully expressed..it sometimes brings tears to my eyes. :)

I like how you show what's happening without revealing anything major.

Best wishes in Nano if you're doing it (I hope you are.) I'm participating too. My username is the same as my pen name, so if you want, you can add me there. :-)

I'm loving this so far. It's so poetic. I like how you have the sentence lowercased. I'm not sure if this is your intention, but it shows the youth of the main character.

The sad stuff starts. :(

So poetic and I like the pacing. There was a lack of punctuation in the two chapters, but I figured that's intentional for the main character's thought process.

I like the style you wrote this in. The way you wrote a story in little words and without actual dialogue impresses me. Beautiful so far. It's like reading someone's journal or thought process (at least to me XD ).

--*--

Feedback:

{your (milk) chocolate eyes looked at me differently.} I can see you're intention with describing his eyes like "chocolate" (with "milk" in parentheses.) It's just that "chocolate" could be replace with a another word that's clever to make it more effective.

Salma1

I liked the use of parentheses in this chapter...your writing style really has evolved. Great job!

I'm excited for this! The original was fun to read, and I can't wait to see what you changed in this one. :)