This is so good Annie. It shows what people nowadays might have to put up with. Don't listen to the teapot. You are a talented writer and don't let anyone make you believe otherwise.

Lollzie x

this is brialliant annie! the story relates well with current issues that many young girls have to deal with and it truely touched my heart in a grabbing way. dont listen to the reviewer below she knows nothing!! as the story is teaching young girls in despair not to run away but to fight it and that you can get through it. a brilliant wee piece of writing!
well done
xoxoxoxox

Aww! *huggles* poor jessica!
it was great Annie! ignore the nasty reviewer below! *huggles again*

It's frankly terrible, but it might be saved with a lot of work.

1) It's hard to pull off a story with a message, especially if it's as anvilicious as "fight bullies". Some anvils need to be dropped, but it's even harder than usual.

2) Unrealistic! Real-life bullies don't explain in minute detail why they chose you to pick on. They use it as insults, but a matter-of-fact discussion of why someone is bottom fodder should be saved for gossip behind the target's back. Doing it in front of her as if she wasn't there could also be effective, and would allow you to reuse the dialogue, only changing the pronouns.

3) Unrealistic. If those were the only reasons why they pick on her, why didn't she try to change and conform? In real life, it's because they're just symptoms of poor social skills, poverty, etc., which breed low status. But then she would take it at face value, get her hair done or something of the kind, and be surprised when it fails. Lack of money is no excuse, the poorest girls are often the ones who try hardest to compete through appearance since a) status fights are often harsher b) they can't compete by displaying wealth.

4) Unrealistic. People don't go around saying things like "It doesn’t fit with our image". "Show, don't tell" is truest and most important in dialogue. This makes me feel angry!

5) So, so unrealistic! Cutting and considering suicide after three months of bullying? How weak and fragile can she be? Resilience, people! Cutting before telling anyone she's being bullied? It might be possible if she has horrible parental issues, but then she would have built some coping skills, and not just decide that easily to tell.

6) Unrealistic. Suicidal thoughts don't quite work that way. Nobody ever thinks "No, I shouldn't kill myself because that'd be running away from my problems instead of facing them". First, it's false, as you wouldn't tell someone "No, please don't change schools, it'd be running away from your problems". Second, suicidal thoughts are self-reinforcing; when you start getting them, it feels like there is no other way out and suicide is a really good idea. Freaky. It's a very common mistake though, so don't beat yourself up over it. It just won't help many suicidal people.

7) Your message is probably wrong. Telling authority figures almost always makes the bullying worse, because the bullies want revenge. Unless she's asking to change schools, but why not ask before she starts cutting? How did she hide her bruises and damaged stuff, anyway?

8) Bullying that extreme (overtly despising someone for being poor, laughing at their cuts) exists, but how common is it, relative to milder forms that may be as harmful?

9) Bullies can have a personality, too. Characters that exist just to be evil are boring. On that note, I like Girl #2's comment. Being evil by pretending to sound nice tells the smart bully from the harassing machine.

Practice!

*Blinks* Wow! Annie, that was fantastic! I love it! =) That was really well done! I really liked that last bit of dialouge from Jessica, and I think you did the stage directions really well too. *Loves*

~Paula