'Just as he came down atop us he stopped…' Us who? The narrative is in the third person/author's POV. Also here: 'intense look directed at us.'


"Impressive boy, though I must say, I had expected it to be the other one.” --within a sentence, direct address needs a pair of commas: Impressive, boy, and so forth

In lieu of elipses and dashes, try simpler, more direct sentences with standard punctuation.