|Reviews for The Enlisted|
| Kiss Of Dawn 12/4/09 . chapter 2
Baha. Quite well written. :)
| Kiss Of Dawn 12/4/09 . chapter 1
| Chesterfield 10/25/09 . chapter 1
I like this story. I think it has a lot of potential to be a great chaptered adventure, which is what I'm assuming you're aiming for. Try to vary up the sentences a little bit so it's not all just "subject verb noun" because that makes the story really choppy and tedious to read. As a reader, there are a couple of grammar issues (like hair die versus hair dye) as well, especially in your dialogue. For example, when you write this:
"Nothing." Adams said. "Take a drink man." he handed Cream his bottle of rum.
Strictly grammatically speaking, it should look more like this:
"Nothing," Adams said, handing Cream his bottle of rum. "Take a drink, man."
At any rate, keep it up and just keep writing. You've got a good array of colorful characters who are more three dimensional than I've seen in most other stories I've read.