|Reviews for Thrown into Love|
| Small Wings Flying 5/19/12 . chapter 32
Ch 28: “"We go with public traffic, so… bye!"” – public transport?
Of all the places to end. Thank goodness for the next button.
Ch 29: So Cathy and Chris. I thought so. They’d be cute together.
Ch 30: “"Because I'm your mother, honey. Mothers know such things."” – Go Mums. :)
“But he did it flawless.” – he did it flawlessly.
Aww, so the drunk uncle resolves himself. So there are good people in the world after all…and all of Ed and Eve’s friends of course.
Ch 31: “"You guys heard of Uncle David?"” – heard from.
“nervosity” – nervousness. Nervosity has a ring to it, but unfortunately it’s not an English word.
“And, honestly, I'd tell you if I remembered it.” – lol.
Aww, how cute. Little Eddie’s still in denial. (he won’t be happy if he hears that).
Ch 32: “I'm too” – should be “I am too.” I’m doesn’t really cut it here.
“I even got some apologies for why she behaved why she behaved.” – that sounds like two separate points, aka. “apologies for her behaviour” and “explanations for why she behaved the way she did”. I wanted to see that though. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
And that’s…it. Nice ending though. Like the ribbon on top.
| Small Wings Flying 5/19/12 . chapter 27
Ch 15: “reason yet unknown” – yet isn’t the best word here. Context again. Currently unknown would work far better.
Ch 18: “She looked very angry and upset as she answered my question.” – what was the answer? In fact, I think that entire last segment was a little rushed. I would have liked to see some detail in it.
Ch 19: hmm…so this continues on from the previous chapter then. I think it would have been better if the last scene had been a the beginning of this one.
“I tried to suss her” – shush her.
“Naiveté” – in this case, it should be “naivety”.
“About then, the doorbell rang and both Evelyn and I knew it were her parents, asking my parents the same favour the au-pair did, sixteen and-a-half years ago.” – how old are they again? I think my opinion on the narrative shifted to 13-15, but from that,…?
Ch 20: The scene between Eve and her parents was good. I liked it; really convincing.
Ch 21: “Then, I disgusted myself and I looked to the back of the chair in front of me again.” – “I was disgusted with myself at that moment and forced myself to look to the back…” perhaps. Disgusted myself and disgusted with myself mean two somewhat different things, and I think you were going for the latter.
Amusing situation at the end, but I really hope Daisy shows some depth soon.
Ch 22: “while that's happened more often” – when that’s happened often/frequently/more than once” – more often isn’t really the right phrase there.
Ch 23: You know what, I’m taking Anatomy, and I still can never remember how many bones there are in the adult human body. Random passing thought from your title. :)
No siblings to compare with. Sadly.
Ch 24: Handsome girl is a bit unusual as handsome is usually in reference for males, but considering a boy is doing the narrating, it works.
Ignore what I said about the uncle earlier. He’s starting to seem like a v. important plot device.
Ch 25: I rather liked this chapter too. Dika is so adorable, and you really did dig deeper into Eve and Ed’s relationship. It’s funny, I’ve got an Ed in my fic too, but it’s Edward, not Edgar.
Ch 26: “but it's like they picked Evelyn over the company. Like they just don't care about their daughter.” – those two statements are contradictory. I think you meant “it’s like they picked the company over Evelyn.”
“making my homework” – doing my homework would be better there.
Ah, Starwars. It’s cool, but I think they may have overdone the sequels and published fanfics. There’s nothing left to imagine. I still love the movies though. Leia is such a character. And Hans too…and Luke, but I like the guy who acted him far better in Back to the Future.
“But Luke hadn't even met R2-D2 or I heard my door being closed rather” – when, not or.
Ch 27: “My friends kept quite all along.” – quiet. That’s one of the confusing ones, considering they use the same letters.
Nice ending to that chapter.
And I think I better stop there again.
| Small Wings Flying 5/19/12 . chapter 14
I would have liked some of the relationships be fleshed out a little. For a character who doesn’t appear, you spent a bit of time on his impact while not so much on the parents who are, theoretically, more important. Ed and Eve’s relationship was a little downplayed as well I think; on the surface it was fine but I would have liked to see something deeper from Ed’s POV, having known her for ages. Again, Daisy’s character isn’t matching up to the way you introduced her. Cathy was a nice touch though at the beginning there.
Okay, apart from the stuff I mentioned earlier…
Ch 7: Did Ed’s uncle call him cousin? And perhaps slur might have been a better word than stutter. I’ve seen drunks blab on and slur their words into incomprehensibility, but not stutter. Then again, I haven’t met all too many drunks.
Daisy got jealous a little fast. You’d think she’d be insecure first, particularly with the start of that chapter…which, while I’m not one for romantic scenes, was really well written and nicely fleshed out.
Ch 8: “"You hate your uncle, don't you?" She replied dryly.” – that’s not really a reply if it’s got a question mark at the end. Returned perhaps. But reply doesn’t really suit the context.
“Agreed not to meet in two weeks” – odd wording.
“"Impressive," he reacted” – again, reacted isn’t the best word in context.
“Calmth” isn’t a word. Calmness I guess.
Sorry, I’ll stop being a pain again.
Ch 10: “But I wasn't even five minutes in the bathroom or I heard yelling coming out of my room.” – before, not or.
Ch 11: You weren’t clear on whose blue eyes Ed was drowning in, and that seems somewhat important.
Ch 12: Edgar’s acting like a typical guy here…no offence to any guys. :) Why do I get the feeling this isn’t the last of this romance? I hope not; I want Daisy to have more depth of character than that. But Edgar’s epiphany was nicely placed.
Ch 13: You mention 3 wks, and then 2. Need to be consistent.
Ch 14: What the heck was that cliffhanger? I’m so glad there’s a next button. *clicks*
You know what, I better submit this before it exceeds the characters.
| Small Wings Flying 5/19/12 . chapter 2
I think you still need to vary your word choices a little more. You’re also excessively using commas in some places. Eg. “I liked the girl called Daisy, I wanted to get to know her better.” – you should use a fullstop or a semicolon there. Works far better.
“Our teacher was a man in his late forties; he was quite tall – one of the few persons who were taller than me – and muscled too, quite a force to be reckoned with.” – it’s surprising you’ve used the semi-colon correctly there. Unexpected, especially since you mentioned English isn’t your first language. That’s one of the easiest pitfalls I think, the misuse of semicolons, but that’s exactly the sort of place it should be used. And on top of that, you’ve done two descriptions in one. I’d like to see more of this structure.
“You know your pace is way too high” – way too “fast”. High isn’t really used for speed, unless you’re quantifying it, ie. on a speedometer. Even then, fast is far more appropriate.
No stretching? We always stretch after warm-up, and then get into kicks and stuff. Taekwondo, but the same thing happened in Karate and we had the same belt order as well. Except tips instead of flaps. Running, then stretches. Sometimes running races and conditioning in between, but always the stretching before we learn new kicks or techniques.
Daisy has gotten too comfortable too fast, considering how quiet she seemed at the beginning. I think you should have added a little awkwardness, eased into the conversations a little more.
Okay, I’ll be quiet and read the rest of it without being picky. If you’re concerned about your grammar or anything else, have you considered getting a beta-reader?
| Small Wings Flying 5/19/12 . chapter 1
From your summary: “Edgars” – Edgar’s? I don’t think you meant more than one Edgar there. :) – That seems to be a common grammatical error that recurs.
"Can't you just give the guy a bloody chance?" My mother snapped – “my” should be lowercase here.
“…he's got about him! I HATE him, mum!" Now, my father was being pissed.” – makes it sound somewhat like the father is talking here, and we know its Edgar. You could put that part on a separate line or reword it. Separate line I think works better, considering his dialogue follows.
Too many “replies” following after that. Vary the word choice. Answered for example. Responded. Or something a little more appropriate and descriptive to the tone.
Both of these are things that are frequently recurring with your work.
The physical description of the uncle, as one of you reviewers said, is a little much for this prologue. It does somewhat halt the flow. The bit before that is fine, but we don’t need to know what he looks like until we see him. On the other side, we don’t know what anyone else looks like; you can slip in little things with the narration, for example him passing a mirror and describing his looks or his mother’s *insert eye colour* eyes glaring at him or something like that. With first person POV, subtleties become very important.
Nice contrast between the almost-siblings. Seriously, could have thought they were if you hadn’t mentioned they weren’t related.
How old is Edgar anyway? He sounds somewhat young from the narration…and his mother is cursing in his presence. Maybe it’s a cultural thing, but his voice tells me he’s somewhere between 12 and 14/early 15 although that’s pushing it a little. 12-13 seems best, but 12 is a little young, isn’t it? Parents are still somewhat guarded about language at that stage. Mine were until I turned 17. But as I said, maybe it’s cultural.
I’m not going to review every chapter like this. It would take all night otherwise. I’ll still be reading though.
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning 9/29/11 . chapter 13
*reviewing as I read*
The break up between Daisy and Ed (I know he hates being called Ed, but I feel kind of Ed-dish today) is very realistic and I love Ed's inner quandaries. :D
"Yeah, just spit it out Boris, who needs subtlety anyway?" Love this sarcasm from our mild-mannered protagonist. :D
I've said this before (I'm sure) and I'll say it again. The Master is one cool old guy. I can just imagine him co-starring in Star Wars with Yoda the muppet and Obi-wan. XD
I also love how you're going over everyone's reactions - Eve's, Edgar's, Boris's, Mr Master's to the breakup in this chapter. It's rather interesting. :D
Haha, that is a major twist. Cathy. Who would have seen that coming? And yes, it sheds a lot of light on Edgar's character. Right now, he'd rather be safe than sorry, methinks.
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning 9/18/11 . chapter 12
Aww, that’s a very sweet introduction and I’m glad you didn’t opt for making Daisy evil-jealous-possessive 100% of the time.
‘In a story or movie, I would've gone mad at Evelyn and think she was the jealous one…’
Edgar’s genre savvy. Like! And his lampshade hanging of the situation also highlights the fact that he and Evelyn know each other waaay too well to be engaging in childish fighting and the like (and even if they do fight – last chapter – they make up maturely).
‘Irony can sometimes be very ironic.’ I think that’s pure win.
I love your portrayal of Evelyn and Edgar’s relationship and how they completely trust each other. It’s very sweet. This chapter is very sweet so far.
I find the ‘used-to-seeing-each-other-naked’ bit rather awkward personally, but it makes some sense if you put it into perspective, I guess. I come from a very prudish family though.
Here, I’m torn between two interpretations: Is Daisy really that Machiavellian, or is Edgar paranoid or is it a combination of both? I’ll be tuning in, amigo, to see what you have to say about Daisy-orchestrating-Edgar-into-falling-into-love-w ith-her. (I lean towards the somewhat Machiavellian interpretation, since Edgar doesn’t strike me as particularly paranoid.)
Hmm, very relatable. Edgar’s outrage at being ‘used’ by Daisy. Like how you portray that and the resolution of Daisy and Edgar’s relationship. It was very climatic and the suspense of the last line was very well done.
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning 9/18/11 . chapter 11
"What's wrong, girls? Are you having a period or something?"
Um, seriously Edgar? Do you think you should really say that to a pair of catfighting girls? (However, this is a very nice piece of character development because it shows us actually how clueless Edgar can be. :D. Ditto with the line after it…)
Another piece of good character development – or maybe relationship development is how Edgar knows when Evelyn’s...er….time of the month is. This just shows us they’re really super close because generally (speaking from experience) girls tend to keep it to themselves.
Hmmm, this chapter is pretty good development personality-wise for all character’s so far. (I’m up to the bit where Daisy has just gone beserk with Edgar and Evelyn. I’m imagining Daisy’s evil laugh as something like muahahahhahahha…)
As far as characterisation of Daisy goes, it comes along quite well, for a minor character the POV is besotted with. She acts like a crazy insecure teenage girl and you’ve pulled that off really well in this story (I don’t believe you usually write about many bratty teenage girls). :D
Evelyn getting mad also adds another dimension to her character – she’s usually a pacifist type I believe?
"She likes you. I just… want to warn you before she'll kiss you out of the blue." Somebody’s been watching too many rom-coms. XD
I like the research you’ve done on the Westermarck effect in your story. It’s very informative and the premise of the story acknowledges (though Edgar doesn’t tell Daisy this) it isn’t 100% effective. – Icky word choice…
I wonder what Daisy thought about Edgar and Evelyn making up so soon?
And...just noticed chapter title. Periods of Sadness? Pun intended or no?
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning 9/16/11 . chapter 10
Dika and Daisy – oh! Are you going to reuse Daisy from this story? Because I recall you were….
Where was I now? Oh yes, cute scene between Dika and Daisy. I can just imagine the infatuated Edgar beaming in pride in the background. And how many other stories are you planning to use first person for? (Just as an aside…cause I was curious.)
Like Edgar’s satirical tone when he’s describing people stereotyping his dad as some aggressive scary…evil? dentist before they actually know him. :D
He was quite favourited amongst his patients.
“He was quite a favourite perhaps?” Favourited sounds a bit…idk…Facebookish.
Love, love, love this meet the parents. It just, I don’t know, subverts all the soap-opera drama where the parents totally hate the kid’s significant other. Maybe I’ve been watching too many Aussie soap opera ads lately…and Indian soap operas *glares at crazy lovesick Bollywood-addicted friends* they’re even worse!
Oh, Edgar so clueless….Daisy definitely does not want you to talk about Evelyn. In fact…actually, no spoilers, okay. My lips are sealed :l
The Golden Compass! I love the movie and book series! Is it the same movie with Nicole Kidman in it that you’re talking about or is it some way cooler Dutch adaptation?
“I was mostly watching Daisy.” Is it really bad that I LOL’ed at that? (sorry, bad internet acronym, but I like the touch that puts on the story.)
That’s actually not a bad cliffhanger. I mean I’ve read the next chapter and I still want to read it again so I can reread what happens next.
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning 7/2/11 . chapter 9
Edgar and Daisy, IMO are a cute couple, when you don't consider the other darker side to her nature, and the fact that they really don't know each other that well.
I'm really interested in the whole black belt exam thing though and the part about the Master and his famous calmth got me there. Every time I read this part again, I picture him as one of the Jedi Masters from Star Wars. It's the whole wise old guy vibe he projects.
Though Evelyn can be a bit scary at times, especially when she wants to know who her crush likes, the last section and her conversation with Edgar, portrays her as a good friend - you know, someone who cares about what you're talking about and all. Though I haven't anywhere near caught up with Rooting for Romance yet, Evelyn and Edgar (the couple) are kind of similar to Yuri and Ellen (though I'm only up to the bit where they're six year olds, so maybe it's just me) in the way they've been friends forever and know each other really well. (I guess you're not really into the love at first sight with complete stranger trope?) :-)
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning 7/2/11 . chapter 8
Nice slang and somewhat funny (and true in real life) observation about midget kids and really really tall parents. Love Edgar's reaction...yeah...when he sees Cathy's dad though.
Cathy's an amazing character - relateable to me-wise (I don't know your opinion though, and I'd love to hear about it.
Oh, nice real-life reference to the film, Die Welle - though I had to Google that one to actually understand it. And when Nick it talking about the "perfection of the girl" is he making a reference to Mary Sue? I haven't watched the film, but may I ask, does it tie in with anything else in the story? (Just in case I'm missing a reference or some foreshadowing etc. etc.) Oh, and I just wanted to add - the characterisation of Chris in the now, really contrasts with his later turnaround - which really highlights how life-changing incidents can really change your way of thinking. In another case, I think this may have needed a suspension of disbelief, but in the later chapters Chris, kind of, explained it pretty well. Did you put any foreshadowing about his future relationship in, by the way? (The first time round I read it, I was personally shipping them two, anyways.)
Clever, how you put that really subtle reference to the techno party at the end of the chapter. :D
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning 7/2/11 . chapter 7
Nice intro into the chapter. The short sentences really set the tone - they convey how stunned Edgar's feeling at this point in time (at least I think that). At this point, you can tell by his train of thought (She had kissed me...the prettiest girl in the world was mine..) immediately
after the kiss that, well he's infatuated (and surprised, though I mentioned that already.) The entire chapter has the feel of a slow-motion effect, except its not on screen. I think it's really effective though, given how our narrator is feeling, plus really in character that he wants to tell his best friend Evelyn that he's scored with Daisy. :D
"Her head was on my shoulder, giving my stomach the creeps..."
Foreshadowing (well, she does become a bit jealous in the next few lines, concerning Cathy)? Or just unintentional?
Clear writing style and great grammar spelling as usual.
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning 6/19/11 . chapter 6
Well - thanks for the replies for the reviews (by the way, what time is it way over on the other side of the world right now?) - when I first read this chapter, I really didn't see the whole Evelyn has a crush on Nick thing coming either. It was an unexpected twist and I harboured the theory (for about half a chapter) that she was only pretending that she liked Nick when really she liked Edgar. Dika's an awesome character. I mean, she's a dog, but she's an awesome character. Plus, I like how Edgar throws in, 'I'll never forget my mother's smile as soon as I introduced Cathy.' That sentence says a lot about her character and it's pretty sweet in a motherly kind of way. What I meant about Edgar being relatable was that he's kind of like Bella from Twilight - not that much presence but you can really relate to him easily. Maybe the first thing helps the second thing along. And Derek does have a pretty strong presence in Rooting for Romance. :D
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning 6/19/11 . chapter 5
I really don't know what to say about this chapter that wouldn't be repeating anything I've said about your writing. I just love the realness of it I guess and how everything comes together in such a nitty-gritty realistic yet romantic kind of way. Don't want to spoil it for other readers so I won't say anything about it right now. Plus, the more I read this, the more Daisy reminds me of a crazier version of this guy I used to like. I guess it's cause it's easy to slip yourself into Edgar's shoes. He's your everyday average guy - that is, he's relatable to normal people. :D
| GoneAway-MightNotBeReturning 6/19/11 . chapter 4
Well, the computer did something weird just then and submitted my review. I was going to say that Evelyn and Edgar were a perfect couple, because they balance each other out and she just knows him so well. It was also realistic how he was in denial. I can really relate to that. XD
Haha, again nice descriptions. I see Chris as sleepy. Like Sleepy dwarf from Snow White type sleepy, Nick's a bit of a pretty boy jock and Cathy - I see her as a sunburnt surfer chick (you did say her skin was reddish. Or maybe she's just cold. Where is this story set?) I like Cathy and her shipping Edgar and Evelyn.
Nice flashback. And the realisation hits poor Edgar that he's in lurvve.:D