   Lyra Kaji 2009-11-04 . chapter 2There are a lot of missing commas in this chapter--sounds like really picky feedback, but the missing puncuation really distracted me from the story itself...which isn't good.
You might want to build more on Ami's disappointment that her new brothers don't like her, or how she feels about her house, or Kyoko. You could also build on her memories of her mother. Does she remember anything? Is she haunted by the silver-haired man? I'd like for her to get a glimpse of Sano, too. I tend to remember events/people less if the characters only mention them in conversation. I can tell that Eternity, and possibly Sano, are going to be important later...but I had to look back in the story because I couldn't remember either of their names. I'd put a little more emphasis on them, and I'd delve more into the characters' thoughts. In the prologue, you really got into Ami's head, but I don't know half as much about older Ami, her thoughts, her fears, what's important to her.
You should also work on making your quotes flow better. Some of them don't really sound like people talking, because they're formal and use word that we don't typically use in conversation. This would be fine if you were more consistent, but you also lapse into a more casual style sometimes.
You have a great story to tell here, and I'd like to see you clean up the grammar and make it flow a little better. |
| Lyra Kaji 2009-11-04 . chapter 1 I think this is awesome!
The first couple paragraphs seemed a little jerky to me... a little editing so they'd flow better would do wonders...
The storyline, just from the prologue, sounds great. You might want to say mother instead of mom. The effect is a bit more formal and flows better. Abbreviated or over-casual words like that sometimes hurt the flow of your story-- especially as the rest of the language and grammar is not as casual.
You had a couple comma errors and run on sentences, and in the last paragraph there should be a comma after "he muttered" and after "Ami said forcefully" but other than that it looks pretty good. I like how you can really get inside Ami's head-- you said you wrote this two years ago? I just think that's interesting, because the story I'm working on is something I started two years ago and put aside for awhile...I just thought that was kind of interesting.
I think the silver-haired man is interesting-- were you hinting at a previous relationship between him and Ami's mother? (If that's not true, sorry...that might potentially be really awkward; I'm just theorizing here...it's good that I'm theorizing; it means I liked it.) |
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