So I noticed that I read chapter one and three but not two o__o. So here I am! I've never read a chapter centering entirely around hair, haha, I thought it was really unique! The dialogue work here was fantastic and the way you developed the characters was interesting, especially Fallow of course, her resistance and obedience added depth.

Wow, good job! The dream really freaked me out... scary... Please continue!

Realising that the footsteps behind them had stopped, the first figure turned to the second, and saw that they’d come to a halt
I don’t think you need the “and saw…” section, its understood.

Love hoew the opening reflects the dream :D

“hump-backed hill” I loved that description, gave me an instant image

Also love the description of the slide, except for ‘ugly as a hippo’s backside’: that image gives me an impression of smooth, corpulent, muddy and smelly, which jarred with my idea of the slide as rickety, splintery, spidery and awkward. The description of the book was totally awesome. Sigh. Might be even better if you had a pricklier word for ‘stuck’ in “and stuck with colour-coded tabs” like bristled or prickled or something? i dunno, stuck was nice too though, because of teh post-it-ness.

I like the relationships you've created here between these girls. To me it reads a bit pratchett-like and a bit somthing else like. - You, i suupose ;) Lovely!

I like how this starts. The characters all seem pretty intriguing, not just cookie-cutters.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter :)

The abrupt ending didn't bother me much, I thought it added to some suspense, haha, not every day you get attacked by a flying lump of black, white and gray! I loved the way you opened with this chapter because it had some fun details concerning the description of the setting. I also liked the comment about the dreaming in watercolor, because it was a fun image that stuck out to me while reading...also, I liked the details with the cigarette smoking causing awkwardness, been in that situation before! Solid chapter here!

From the Review Game~

I like your writing style. It describes things without being too flowery or boring. The pace works well with the story as well.

Title-wise: I don't know if it's meant to be The story as yet without a name but that sort of title tends to turn readers away. If you have trouble thinking of something look at the theme of the story or what the characters say. If you have the ending planned out then pick something up from it. If not, then try something that relates to the core of the story.

But I do like this story.

Quite a short chapter. I feel as though you were going for an omnious feel, but I didn't really get a mysterious sense nor did the story really spark my interest yet because you have really triggered any emotions inside of me yet, which is important for every hook. That being said, I liked a few of your ideas. I liked how you put all the description into one or two paragraphs, then had little description for the rest of the chapter. It annoyed me how you kept calling them "figure". It was overused.

In short, this idea is good, you just need to work on the writing a little bit.

First off, I liked your first few sentences, they had great description that was just the right amount for a first chapter, it still held my interest while not getting to deep.

I usually don't get too picky about minor errors, but instead of referring to one person as 'they' maybe keep referring to that person as 'the second figure' 'the shadowy first figure' ect. It gets kind of difficult when characters don't have names of course, and variety becomes scarce.

Hmm...well in finishing, I feel like I would have wanted more from this first chapter to ground me somewhere, of course, I feel intrigued with the characters. You used dialogue really well by conveying a relationship between the two characters and did it without going into much detail. I would have liked a little more from the description of the setting, ect. But it still managed to create for me a little hint of intrigue!

It feels a little vague, but is all and all a good first chapter!

I'm confused. what's going on?
are there 2 or 3 people?
there's too much" 'they' 'the first figure/secong figure'.
it's confusing

Here from Roadhouse ^^

Is this your Nano entry? Wee yay!

I liked the first paragraph. You described the scene very well and I can easily visualize the character's envoronment. I know that you have not given names to the two characters, but instead of saying "they," try to give out their gender. Like um " What the hella are you doing?" she called out. "Feel sick," she replied. Or something like that, you know? It also would have been nice if you described the clothin they were wearing. Were they worn out? Beaten? Are they children? What do they look like? that kind of thing.

Overall, good cliff hanger haha. It wasn't as intense, but you know that the story will truly continue on. Good job overall ^^

p.s-- pay back via Heart to Heart. Thanks you!

-Agent

Ooh, mysterious. I like your descriptions and the fact that neither of the characters has been named yet. There was a bit too much dialogue, but it was good dialogue, so that balances it out in my mind. Anyways, great job! I'm interested to find out what's with the amnesiac in particular.

I like the first paragraph; you've included what the scene was like and why they were where they were.
One thing I absolutely did not understand was the dialogue. What they say is fine, but I don't understand who was saying it.
eg.
"“What the hell are you doing?” they called out. The second figure squinted at them through the sunlight, and took an unsteady step back.
“Feel sick,” they said."
Who is saying what? I reread the first bit like 5 times and still don't quite understand what you're implying. Did they share a brain? Were those inner thoughts shared between them? If it is of any reason why it is not very specific, please write it down in narration to your story.
Another thing is that there's not enough narration. It is important for a story to have lots of dialogue, but it is equally important to have the same amount of narration in it.
Delineations . Alyona