"On hand hit the door handle, the other the door frame."

ONE hand

"She wondered if she would ever regain what she had lost."

My guess is no, she won't, CAN'T, totally return to the person she was. Ever. Probably the best she can hope for is a new normal, re-establishing a life where she has some measure of self awareness and independence. Deciding for herself what's right, rather than worrying about other's expectations.

But succeed or fail, I'm certainly enjoying the way you're presenting Tam's struggle to recover.

I just can't get enough of this story. Btw, I will be starting to beta your stuff since I'm settled at home but because of family commitments and stuff (they haven't seen me for a year)it still might be some time till you recieve any feedback :)

One sentence that felt funnyish is this one: "She rolled over to face the wall, thinking, as the vivid impressions of outside trailed away and she drifted close to sleep." It felt sort of wierd?? At the end? The "and..." part felt a bit too much? What if a new stentence was started?? Not sure.

"She wondered if she would ever regain what she had lost." - poor girl, and YES YES YES never give up!!

Narq.

("There was silence from her father, though she strained her ears for even a nod.") A lovely line, indeed!

("'The only person stopping you [from] doing anything here is you!'") I believe there was a missing word?

Really, just marvelous. I feel so bad for Tamara, she's so lost! It makes me wonder once more precisely what put her in such an instituation and what is happening in the world they're all in. She and Marcus are really quite sweet together and it's obvious that the both of them are for different reasons key to each other. His determined belief in her is inspiring and I'm drawn to his character as well as that of Tamara and her father. The italicized "new" is very impactful and I applaud you for utilizing the technique both in the previous chapter as well as here. The ending of the chapter was so perfect, so sad yet it revealed so much. Please update soon! 8'D

Once again! A perfect quote and some of the best protrayal of character emotion I've ever seen. It's great to finally have a name to place with the girl and it was indeed a revelation to have the man turn out to be her father. Marcus's frustration was very well done and added a deeper level of believability to something already so frightingly real. Reading this, it's as though I am Tamara, coming out into the brightness as well the darkness of the outside world for the first time. It's short and sweet and to the point and I'm really just happy that there's another chapter after this for me to read! :3

Hey - here's your freebie ^_^
Sorry it's taken me so long.

This is a very good beginning. The writing is attention grabbing - the detail is enough to draw you in, but avoids being anything like an exposition attack - and the plot seems to be ladeling on the dystopian mystery. The imagery - especially the focus on hair - is bold, simple and strong. I like it! :)

If I had to criticise anything, it would be the sentence "They were giving up hope in her too" - it jsrred a little, because I kept trying to make it 'hope on her' or 'faith in her'...however, that's really the only thing I can nit-pick.

WCC prize review! Congrats!

Other: I don't know which depth category this would fit into, but I loved the way you portrayed the idea of Tam's amnesia. The way you used it to divide scenes was very clever. :)

Writing: The style you used fit beautifully with the story you were trying to tell. It was to the point and the way you used it to give the reader an idea of what Tam's thought process was like worked well.

Scene: Your way of dividing scenes was brilliant, as I mentioned earlier, but my particular favorite was the last one. It was a sort of conclusion to the introductions of both characters and tied their stories together.

Characters: So far, only two are present, but you managed to paint their personalities clearly in this first chapter. The "taller lady" and such were a bit generic, but I doubt they have large roles to play in the story. Tam's POV is interesting and I'm wondering what she'll turn into as a character, since at the moment the personality has been bled out of her. Marcus seems the most active and controversial of the story so far, and as such he's the most interesting.

Hmm... I'm trying to think of some criticism but this was a solid opening chapter. Good work and congrats on winning WCC!

I'm really liking the suspense here, especially at the end of chapter four. I like the pacing during the interaction between Marcus, Tam, and her father. I look forward to the next chapter when you're able to as I believe that this is a very good story so far.

As always, good quotes at the beginning. :-)

I like the interaction between Tam and Marcus in this chapter, although I think more could have been added to the dialogue to tighten the plot. But I still like that part. Good pacing towards the end. It kept me hooked.

--*--

Correction:

{His hands already gripping the beds railings.} bed's.

Hi! Narq mentioned your story in the latest chapter of her story "Children of Winata" and I thought I go ahead and read the first two chapters.

So far, I think this is very good. I like how you set up the story in the first chapter and establish the setting. Good description and character interaction. I like the quotes at the beginning of the first two chapters. It really drew me in.

There were no glaring grammatcial errors/typos that I could find in the first two chapters. I'll definitely read and review the rest. :-)

"There was a blank space in her head, one of many, and she was tired of worrying it at."

Did those last two words get transposed?

"She found her eyes wondering away from the table and into his hair."

wAndering

A typically short chapter from you, but still quite substantial. The beginning quote was terrific (again!) and you did a wonderful job of showing the differences between these two men even though they both want the same thing here. As for Tam, well, she's got a very long road to recovery ahead of her, it appears, and if her two guardians aren't careful she might end up doing a one eighty and returning to the place that almost destroyed her.

"Everyone else was so sure what was right."

Great line!

:sigh:

Wonderfulness.

Good foreshadowing. Good writing. Good everything. :) I love this story so much!

Haha, Just back from reading your reviews. You deserve them all!! This story is so brilliant!

Narq.

From the Review Game~

The suspense in this chapter is gripping! I love Tam's reactions espcailly in this chapter and also the whole "Father" thing at the end.

Your plot is developing quite nicely in a way that it's neither cliche' nor unreal. I love the realtiy of all the descriptions :)

A very nice peice so far!

From the Review Game~

I love how we get to see what's happening inside Tam's head. The details and emotion you used were amazing!

I like the dialogue as well in this chapter. There's not much, but it's simple and not over-exxagerated, basically believeable.

From the Review Game~

I absolutly love the way your chilling quote set the theme for the whole chapter. The chapter was short, but it was very entertaining and slightly thrilling :)

The cliff-hanger was a good place to leave off (though I haven't read the ext chapter yet). You put it at just the right place to cause the reader to want to know more.

From the Review Game~

I love the beginning to this story! It immediatly draws me in! The quote also tied things well and made it much more interesting.

Your writing is nice too! Though there were a few structioal errors here and there, your description and flow is well-paced and very lovely.