Very interesting. Though some of your sentences are a bit awkward for me, I like the emotion behind them. I suppose it's that I'm just not in your mode of thinking/rhythm at the moment. Also, I would change the last two lines or just cut them out...they take away from the piece for me, because they are a little redundant and not that powerful next to the refrain. Perhaps a personal preference. Regardless, good piece. On the second take, I loved the line "I was thirsty as thirsty is thirsty for you"--yes, unwieldy, but ultimately powerful. I love the idea of the concept of "thirsty" being thirsty.

Well done.