|Reviews for Sweet Poison|
| Ruby Kart 1/29/10 . chapter 14
A tattoo of a tree, that's pretty kool. I've seen a tattoo of a tree that had no leaves and a bunch of crows flying off. It was pretty sweet looking, even if I'm not a fan of tattoos. So yeah, there's my digressing moment :P
Wow, you updated a lot this week. My absolute favorite chapter so far. You brought so much out of Blair. He's on the warpath to defeat that demon inside of him. The soccer, I'm sure that brought a lot of memories back for him.
And Macy hugged him. Of course, it was all in the game, but I'm sure it sent some interesting shock waves through his body.
I love the descriptions of the beach. Even though the little kids aren't major characters, it sets the tone for the chapter. Already making it an 'aw' kinda day.
I love the soccer part too. I'm not very good at the sport, but I can see it happening. And the fact that they cheat at it makes it more realistic for the college kid scene.
And Carlos. Still have to love him. Overprotective-nonbrother-friend. Yeah, that's strange, but that's what he is.
Awesome Chapter, so keep it up!
| Abel Articulate 1/27/10 . chapter 2
I really like the way this story is coming along so far. I love how both characters are total opposites of each other. It seems to me like it will make for some interesting encounters and stories along the way.
My only criticism is that you should be a little more subtle with some of the facts about the characters. Leaving Blair so open and giving so much information in the first chapter eliminates the possibility of having your readers figure things out themselves, which can sometimes be better than the author of the story telling you about the characters. It makes for people to have more insight and try to understand what is going on with the character, and how they can relate.
Great story and I will be sure to keep on reading. Keep up the good work and I'll be sure to keep on reviewing!
| Ruby Kart 1/26/10 . chapter 13
Ashley! haha, sorry I had to make this sorta anonymous. Apparently I already reviewed this chapter earlier, so...
But anyway! Loved it. I was so excited when I saw the notice in my inbox. And try as hard as I could to read through it quickly, I couldn't. I didn't want to miss anything you'd written. You write with such a keen interest in each particular word. Everything ties so well together. And your descriptions of suicide (or the thoughts you have) are absolutely amazing. You have either been in that spot, or you have a pretty amazing imagination.
I like the new determination in Blair. He seems to have the idea that Macy can help him. She's already helped him. Saved his life more than once or twice now.
I like the scene at the beach. Just quiet. Nothing big and bursting with a fantasma of emotions, but just quiet. Slowly getting to know one another through what seems like useless comments.
Then you have the dream. A repeated dream of that nature means something. It's not just random. Of course, most dreams come about due to thoughts or information in our subconscious, but this seems more. He isn't the one killing her like he feels he would be. She wouldn't be turning to him and asking him for help then.
Anyway, it's so great, and I'm happy to read this again.
| Ruby Kart 1/5/10 . chapter 13
Take your time Howdy!
Happy New Year by the way :)
| Ruby Kart 12/7/09 . chapter 12
Haha, I love Carlos. Dang, I wish I had a best buddy like that :(
That was a good chapter, not much Blair (dare I say that I miss him) but you bring back the Justin guy. UGH! That guy irks me.
I love Macy, I would be doing the exact same thing. I love her spunk, it's what makes her so kool! She seems to see right through people. Through the facades and all the other lies. She sees like the true angel or demon resting within each of the characters.
I'm just nervous about Justin now. He seems like the sort of person who would do something mean and vindictive to get his way. Spoiled Brat!
| Ruby Kart 12/7/09 . chapter 11
Wow, that was a really long chapter. But there was so much more dialogue in it that you've used in all your previous chapters. The dialogue was really good by the way. The fight scene I absolutely loved. It was realistic. And Macy, I'm not sure whether she's smart or brave or stupid or all of them at once. Describing Cody like you did, well, he just strikes me as someone I don't want to mess with. LOL, and then you've got Blair who beat him up. Just wished he could have done it again. Cody was in for an ego popping.
I also like the little bit of the ice cream. It was like she wasn't just trying to get the fact of new ice cream flavor across. She was trying to tell him to do something different. Whether it be date a girl, or play a sport, or just do something out of his normal routine.
I also love the little inner conversations he has. This girl is changing him even in the first few chapters. He's suddenly lost control. There are a million emotions he's succeeded at keeping buried the last few years, and she comes along and his will has suddenly found a weak point to force itself through. Sigh, I just hope that things continue to work for the better.
Every time I think of Blair, I think of that kid from the movie "My life is a House" and how he has that kind of mentality and it all changes.
Who died in the car accident? His mom died of cancer, and his dad committed suicide. Did he have a younger sibling or something?
Anyway, great update. Keep writing!
| Ruby Kart 12/3/09 . chapter 10
Haha, I knew he was at the beach!
So, I really like this chapter. I knew Macy wouldn't give in that easily. But we now have a tiny problem, she just told Carlos that it was his dad's birthday party. But his dad's dead, and that is really going to create a problem later. Someone is either going to lie on top of a lie and so on until they get caught. Or Blair is going to be so put out by it, that he'll just leave and completely forget about Macy.
But what was in that phone call that made Blair change his mind and suddenly go with Macy?
Also, I love the descriptions of the beach. It's honestly one of the nicest places to be when you're stressed. Never been able to go see it during a storm, but went with my cousins at night and got to see shooting stars and the dinoflaggelates in the water, which make it glow green. It was so kool! Anyway, enough of the sidebar, lol.
I liked the update! You've got me hooked on this story, so thanks for asking me to read it.
| Ruby Kart 11/30/09 . chapter 9
Aw man! So I was right about the pills thing. He wasn't intentionally taking the antidepressants to help with depression, he wanted to die. Sigh, poor Blair, I feel for him. I really do!
And then there's Macy. Gosh, she's probably had images of her and Blair cheering the football team running through her head the whole week.
But she doesn't seem like one who's gonna give up easily. I can just see her catching him at school on Friday and trapping him into a corner until she convinces him to go with her.
These dreams Blair's having, they mean something. I mean, to have 2 dreams where someone dies isn't just coincidence. And what's more, she's asking him for help. Not that he's causing her death, but rather he's the one that might be able to stop it. Wonder if Danny's behind all this.
Small typo at the end. You say Id didn't (I'm sure you meshed the words together), just thought I'd let you know.
Great Chapter. Actually my fav so far. Don't know why, just is. So much character there! Looking forward to your next update :)
| Ruby Kart 11/30/09 . chapter 8
Uh oh, I can already see Macy setting herself up for a world of trouble. Not that I don't like Blair, but when a girl starts poking around in a guys life, and that guy happens to be loaded with emotional baggage, she's either gonna get burned by it or buried underneath it with him. Sigh, I just hope that's not the case here.
On the other hand, it was really cute to see her slightly frazzled by the idea he would say yes. She's so optimistic and happy it's hard not to like her (and apparently hard for many other ppl at the same time).
I like Carlos. Kinda like a big brother relationship you have there. He's protective of her, and I like how he beat Danny up. lol, glad someone did!
Macy's mom. Although she means well, she does strike me as a bit of a weirdy. I mean, what mother is in constant motion to try and set up a date for their own daughter. I mean, Macy is not antisocial or unlikable. I understand she hasn't been dating in a while and has had a bad breakup, but still. Don't you think mother's would give a little more time and be understanding, wanting to comfort their children rather than push them back into the world. It creates humor for the story, but just makes the mom seem like a matchmaking best friend rather than a protective mother figure. I wonder what her dad will have to say about everything?
| Ruby Kart 11/25/09 . chapter 7
"What if you broke her?" - LOL, I LOVE THAT LINE!
okay, so this was a good chapter. I don't entirely agree with Blair's philosophy about God, but I can completely understand the thoughts that course through your mind as you're battling with depression.
The thing that surprises me is that he's depressed, not at his parents' death, but at the fact that he seems to think his father never really loved him. Every human desires to be loved, and to be denied love from a parent, the being who is supposed to love you under all circumstances, can be a crushing blow to anyone. So, I was pleasantly surprised at how you captured that cause of the depression.
I love how Blair talks to himself. It's almost as if I can see the little angel on his shoulder smiling at the different thoughts as he mentally beats himself. The thing about the antidepressants, you'd think he was ready to move on and start taking control of his life. But you mention four pills, I was like "DON'T DO IT BLAIR! YOU CAN LIVE THROUGH IT!" b/c I thought he was on the verge of suicide.
So, I know you're working on chapter 8 and I will be reading that after you post it. I love the title of this story, you've tied in the phrase sweet poison so many times that it would be crazy not to name it that.
Another little think I've picked up. Yea really should be spelled Yeah. You're meaning it in a sure, whatever kind of fashion. Yea, I think is old English and is pronounced more 'yay' and I don't think that's what you're going for here in your dialogue.
If it's not too much to ask, I'd like some feedback on my story that I've posted here. It's called Hero by Design. I know that the first few chapters are horrible in regards to grammar and what not, but any tips at all would be much appreciated considering you are studying creative writing at college. But it's not necessary, i will continue to review your story regardless of what you choose to do.
Anyway, Update soon!
| Ruby Kart 11/25/09 . chapter 6
In regards to the review I posted for chapter 4, I realize now that I made a mistake. I didn't mean to say that she hated the relationship with her mom, rather she hated the pristine that had been forced upon her due to her mom's social standing. Sorry if that was confusing.
In the last sentence of the second paragraph, you might have forgotten a word because it doesn't quite flow fluently.
Also, when you're discussing Macy getting ready to leave for her mom's you meantion that conversation about Justin being inevitable. I know you're talking about the events of the previous night when she darts from the car, but you really should mention that in the paragraph somewhere so it fits and coheres with the timeline you are currently running in your story.
I love the little episode with Delilah. She may not be my favorite character, but she reminds me of my friend Manuel. He gets inside your head trying to get you to admit things that may or may not be true, and leaves you to figure out what the actual answers may be.
Also, the episode with her mom is quite humorous, and made me smile. I could feel my eyes bulging when you mentioned Macy's eyes widening due to the information about requesting a phone number.
I also like the little information about Blair. It's completely logical that Macy might be reaching to Blair because she recognizes a sort of darkness or depression in her own life that she hasn't dealt with due to this Danny character. Either way, it's a good development.
| Ruby Kart 11/25/09 . chapter 5
A sad installment, not that I didn't expect it. Poor Blaire. He's a world full of depression and mess in that intellectual head of his. I just hope Macy doesn't go insane if she tries to help him. Honestly, you can wear yourself out if you help people, and especially if they don't want help. Blair will be a very tough nut to crack.
Another mistake when she offered him the treehouse. You're describing him blushing and then a whole new thought comes out of nowhere and they mix together to form a very blah sentence. So be careful of that.
A nice chapter. I'd be kinda worried. Okay, there's this kid who I know is a little...oh what's the word... tortured? tormented? depressed? sitting out by my house and I just let him into my old tree house knowing my father would have a conniption (sp) if he saw him there. Yeah... that could start a whole world of problems.
| Ruby Kart 11/25/09 . chapter 4
Firstly, just a few errors. When she's talking to Justin, she describers herself and digging herself digger? I'm not sure what you meant by that, or maybe it was just a typo.
Then, after the conversation with Heather and sorts, she goes off with her friends. You have a very poorly constructed sentence : "We until the hall had filled with people and the band had started to quiet down and announce that it was time for everyone to please be seated."
I like your Justin character. Not that his personality impresses me, but I like what you've created. Someone who you can poke fun at for being a snob, and yet can't quite hate because he has a sense of humor.
Poor Macy. She has a good relationship with her mom, and most girls would kill for the opportunities she has, and yet she hates it. IDK, that seems a little selfish to me. I'd do something with that opportunity. Sure, i wouldn't thrust it into people's faces all the time, but I wouldn't completely despise it as if I were cursed with the plague. IDK, but it does humanize her a bit.
Also, who's this Danny character? Some scumbag who cheated on what seems to be the most amazing creature on earth. Well, at least we see that she also has emotions, and there is a person behind all the happiness that seems to float about her.
| Ruby Kart 11/25/09 . chapter 3
Poor Blair. Don't we all get to feel like that? That life or school is pointless. That it just seems to be this neverending repetitive cycle that keeps us busy until we're handed a new assignment with neverending repetitive work to do?
I like the scene with the lamp post. Shows his vulnerability and that he thinks. He considers, he's hurt and he's jealous. He wishes he had a family, he's craving love, and yet he finds himself thinking about Macy. Maybe he doesn't voice it, but there's an air of hope in his attitude as to what he wishes his life could be like, and he wishes she was also a part of it.
Then again, the dream is somewhat scary. Why would she die? and why would he die with her? It's almost like a bad omen.
And the house, that had to be her house with the old beat up car in the front. Nice chapter. So much thought that goes on in your characters!
| Ruby Kart 11/24/09 . chapter 2
Interesting...we suddenly see life through her eyes. She had a heart, but she seems almost unnatural in her surroundings. Like she's already been referred to as a saint or Mother Theresa, it's almost as if she's in a whole other level than her piers.
I like the way she thinks of other people. She tends to do what I do. Just put up with them in the hope that they might go away. You just bite your tongue and try to be as polite as humanly possible when dealing with people you would rather not be around. Another great character you have thrown into this story.
Then you have the whole ordeal with the car. I don't know if it's really important for the story, of if you're trying to push through some wisdom to teens who may be reading that buying big isn't always better.
And one final tip. When you have dialogue, and you end the quote while continuing with "he said with a smile. You want to make sure to have a comma before the closing quotes instead of a period. If the end of the quote is the complete end of that sentence, then use a period.
"I enjoy ice cream."
"I enjoy ice cream," she hinted as she batted her eyelashes.
You get the idea :)