|Reviews for The Chaos Theory|
| AdxMeliora 1/31/12 . chapter 1
You did a good job of feeling everything around your main character, I can very clearly understand where she is and what she perceives. Keep on writing :)
| Jude Blake Gabriel 6/18/11 . chapter 1
The descriptions are amazing! i never really thought about anything that deep but now it has opened my mind to different causes and writing is amazing, keep at it .
| hannah221 7/9/10 . chapter 1
You gave me a great review for At Long Odds, so I was pleased to find something like this in order to return the favour. I liked this piece - I wonder how your tutor rated it? Using the butterfly effect theory was inspired, I thought. It gives your essay backbone and a theme from which you very effectively describe what is going on around her.
To be constructive, I'm going to mention just a couple of points:
1) Tense - decide before you start which tense you would like to use. Think of yourself sitting in front of a rapt audience of your friends telling them the story and whichever tense comes most naturally, use it. Also reading your work aloud to yourself is really helpful for spotting inconsistencies. (I felt really stupid the first couple times I did this but after it started making a difference to my writing, I didn't feel nearly so stupid!)
2)Your sentence structure can sometimes be a bit long-winded. But I remember from school, being taught prose structure differs hugely from when you write to be a published author. In professional writing, they prefer snappier, shorter sentences which won't lose the reader. While, at school we were encouraged to use conjunctions whenever you can!
Again, read your work aloud. If you find you're running out of breath by the end of the sentence, then you know it's probably too long!
I look forward to seeing more of your essays here.
| xx-Dani-xx 5/15/10 . chapter 1
you've put great detail in and the beach and scenery sound beautiful.
| Garneau 4/15/10 . chapter 1
This is an interesting piece of work.
It definitely has a dreamlike, surrealism to it.
The description is very detailed and atmospheric which I think really helps readers like myself visualise what is happening. I did get a little confused with the whole molecule thing. Though science is not my forte, I did understand all teh electron and proton references. However, I was wondering whether you were aiming for some sort of representation / symbolism with these little particles?
Quickly, just a couple of mistakes:
-you have a habit of switching from past to present tense in teh first paragraph. "As Scarlet Brown looked" intsead of "As Scarlet Brown is looking" and "She thought" instead of "she thinks". The rest of the essay is written in the present, which helps the dreamy content. I have to admit I really struggle with tenses myself. I can never just stick to the one! But I have to admit I usually prefer the past.
-Also wrong use of bored. You use the corect board in "about boarding the plane" but you later use "she can bored the plane" instead of "board the plane". I think this is just an error when writing quickly. I know from experience they are very easy to make :P.
Anyway a very descriptive piece and evenmore so, thought proking.
Great work, I hope you got a good grade for this!