|Reviews for Perserverence and Growth Paper|
| Lyra Kaji 12/1/09 . chapter 1
Your first paragraph could use some spice. Try opening with a quote or a shocking statement. The way it is, I'm not really sucked into the paper.
The same could be said for the ending. You should close with something that leaves the reader thinking- maybe you could move beyond the story and say something about how Rifka's situation is crucial to the world today, and how maybe everyone would benefit from trying to be more accepting. You should also build on the theme of perseverance. Again, you really want to bring it out of the book and make it apply to the real world. The reader finishes the essay, thinking, so? How does this even apply to me? You want them to end thinking that this was the best essay ever, because then youll get a good grade.
The major problems with it right now are the introduction and the conclusion. Your conclusion is the end of the book- maybe you were just supposed to go to there and not beyond- but one thing that could really make this better is if you add another coulple sentences to this paragraph, just explaining how it affects us today. As far as I know, perseverance and acceptance are still issues that are present today, so you could go miles with that. Acceptance, particularly, given the prejudice that's still everywhere in the world.
You left out a comma in the first paragraph and I don't think typhus and ringworm should be capitalized, unless they were in the book. Peasant also should not be capitalized, and I would say that his name was Ilya in the same sentence that you introduce him. It would just make everything more clear.
| a-random-writer 11/30/09 . chapter 1
How would you like people to edit it? Doc xchange, or just type the typos in reviews?